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Have you ever...?
Have you ever been ex-communicated by your ILs or your parents? If so, how did you handle it? What was the outcome? Would you have done anything differently?
Ultimately, I don't care if we have to deal with my MIL, but I do care whether or not our kids get to know their grandparents. Our oldest is old enough to know something's going on. I wasn't here for the final blow out between DH and my MIL, but my FIL had lunch w/ DH last week. It doesn't sound like things will be reconciled any time soon. She threatened to move to Florida, and honestly, at least then I'd have a reason to tell our oldest that is both true and doesn't have to reflect badly on his grandmother. DH and I are on the same page about all of this. It just sucks that it's happening at all.
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Re: Have you ever...?
My mom and I had a falling out during DH's and my engagement. We didn't speak for about 6-7 months. I thought it was 'over'. Thankfully, things cooled off after that time, and we've slowly (very slowly) been trying to figure each other out. It's still a bit strained, but it's getting better.
I don't have any advice about the grandmother issue - but I wanted to commiserate, and let you know that I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Family issues can be so painful and completely draining.
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Not quite the same, but one of my sisters ex-communicated my parents and siblings and I. There wasn't much we could have done differently. I don't know all the details of what went down, but even after we got the letter saying that they would have nothing further to do with us, my parents sent Christmas gifts to the kids and they sent the gifts back.
The outcome was that my sister and I had no contact for about 10 years. She and my dad 'reconciled' several years ago, but no one in the family is very trusting of her or close to her. I don't know my nieces. I don't feel close to them at all. Since she's been back I've made attempts to try to get closer, even going so far to write her a letter and say (roughly) this sucks, can we fix it. She'll agree, but she won't change anything to make the situation better. And there's only so much reaching out I can do before I start to feel like an idiot. Ultimately, you can only do so much to bring a person back into your life.
(Ugh, I just read your previous post and now I feel like a Debbie Downer. Obviously things didn't work out as well for us. I'm so sorry you're going through this.)
It's not exactly the same situation, but DH doesn't talk to his father at all and I've never even met him. His mother is remarried and her husband is our kids grandpa. We have recently talked to DD (she's almost 4) about it when she saw an old photo album of DH with his dad. So, we just say that he has two dads and we see grandpa more often. We know we'll have to go into more detail later and we plan to say something along the lines of being out of touch, and there are people we don't see as often, etc.
For an older child, I might talk about taking some space or if they ask where is grandma, maybe say something about her not being available to come over or go to dinner, etc.
I think the whole situation is really hard. I think it's important to teach kids that there are healthy and unhealthy relationships, but I don't really know when they are old enough to understand all of that.
DH and I have had so much family drama that we've pretty much written them off. Not my parents, but his parents, aunts, uncles, cousins....Its just not worth it. I won't be obligated to have a relationship with people just because we are related. I don't understand that reasoning. Its not enough for me.
Although my situation is reversed, in that I "disowned" my father, I thought I'd add my two cents regarding how I frame the situation for my kids.
My mom and step-dad are the girls' grandparents on my side. My eldest has figured out that my step-dad isn't my "real" dad and that there's another one. She started asking lots of questions around 5. I told her that my father was a very mean person and that it's important that we keep distance from people who treat us badly. For the time being, that seems enough, and it also stresses the importance of taking care of ourselves and not allowing people to hurt us.
OP- I'm not familiar with the circumstances of your situation, but you might frame it similarly for the kids. Or let them know that sometimes grown ups need time apart to think about things so that they won't hurt each other together.
GL to you and your DH. It's tough stuff.
My mother felt my father's father was such an awful person to be around (and he was), that we rarely, if ever, saw my dad's parents when we were kids. I know this is the sad ending to that ... but after my grandfather died, my Dad became close to his mother again and now I have a great relationship with my (only) Grandmother.
Also, my Dad's sisters had a nasty falling out (that involved the stealing of the other's husband). It lasted 10 years, but now they are close again. Even take vacations together.
So I think even in worst case scenarios, it's rarely the end when it's a result of a falling out, fight, or issue among adult relatives. Maybe someday the past will be the past, wounds will heal and they can have a relationship again.
Also, very rarely as a child did I think about the fact that I didn't have or didn't know grandparents (my mother's parents were deceased). As a child, it was just a fact of life, "Oh they live in ____ and that's far away." Then as a teenager when I finally started clueing in to the drama, it wasn't a big deal. As an adult, I am glad I get to have a relationship with my grandmother, but I do not think it affected me growing up
My family always has drama. It seems like my mom is not happy unless she is starting a fight with someone and not talking to someone. When DS was born my mom came to visit and by the next day she was just being nasty. She stayed at my house and she wouldnt come out of the room at all unless she wanted to come out to yell at me for something. Finally she just left and we didnt talk for several months. i was really sad that this was DS's first experience with my mom (although he will never remember it) we did start talking again after several months, but I will never forget the drama and I am always walking on eggshells and so is my DH. We are very cautious with her!