Lurker w/"would this disqualify us" questions...

PiscesFish

Hi ladies!
I've been lurking here recently, which may sound odd for the mother of a 2 month old biobaby.

DH and I briefly discussed adoption down the road while we were dating, and recently it came up as something we'd like to do in about 5-10 years.  (We want to pay cash for the adoption without taking out home equity loans or draining our savings, as well as have some parenting experience under our belts) Definitely an international adoption, a child aged 2-6, might be open to some "special needs" depending.

I was wondering if any of this would keep us from adopting: 

• We're an interracial couple
• I was visibly pregnant when we got married (we had been engaged for not even a week when we found out we were expecting)
  
• I was previously married (no kids with XH).  Due to backlog in the courts, there was a long separation (2 years, vs the 90 days the state usually requires).  Ironically, since we divorced b/c XH cheated, long story short DH and I were married within a year of my divorce being final.
  
• All of our parents have had 1-3 divorces, some have children with people they never married. Everybody gets along great though.
• DH works for the government, and that is about the extent of what he can tell most people.
  
• I got fired from a job years ago, when my then-boss learned XH and I were pursuing IVF.
  

I know it sounds funny to ask this *now*, but we're planners, and if we can't adopt, we kind of want to know that sooner rather than later.

Thanks ladies, and congrats on your beautiful children/good luck with your adoption journey!

Temp206787500007404

I don't think any of this would disqualify you.  I don't even think any of the religious agencies would have an issue you with you being pregnant when you got married (b/c at least you were married when the baby was born /sarcasm).

The only requirement I can think of that might apply is most international programs require your child to be at least 1 year old before you even submit paperwork, but since you aren't looking to adopt for 5-10 years, that shouldn't be an issue. 

GL and I hope you'll post more often!

PiscesFish

Thanks Mrs. B! I think I shall. Oh, and now that you mention religious agencies - we don't do organized religion. Meaning, we believe in God, but don't attend church, as we feel most are too dogmatic/judgemental. We may bring our kids to church on holidays down the road, but I don't see it ever being something we do weekly. Is that a dealbreaker? And I don't want my XH interviewed in our homestudy - what are the chances of that happening? I don't have a restraining order against him, though in retrospect should've pursued one against certain relatives of his.

kiyote72

they dont go that far - you and your husband would be interviewed - not the ExH.

 

 

Temp206787500007404

Not at all.  There are plenty of non-religious agencies out there.  There is a Yahoo group you can sign up for to get reviews of different agencies and decide which fits your needs best.

Nobody talked to my or my DH's ex-spouses or any of their families during our process.

CaptainSerious

Congratulations!  You can adopt!  Assuming, of course, that the items on your list are the most concerning issues in you past.

All the social workers/placement agencies want to know is that you have dealt with any past issues in a responsible way so that they won't negatively affect any children in your care and that you and your husband can provide a safe, loving home for your children.

Good luck!

mysticl

I used to do foster care homestudies and I can't tell you how many times I saw a marriage date that was less than 9 months before a child's birth date.  It wasn't even a factor.  I have also seen foster parents who got married within days of one divorce or another being final.  These were always situations where something caused the divorce to be delayed.  The only time I ever talked to an ex-spouse was when the foster parent candidate listed the ex as a reference.  We would ask about the relationship with the ex just to determine if it could have an impact on fostering.  Oh, and we needed copies of the divorce decrees just so we knew the marriages were indeed over and the current marriage was legal.

PiscesFish

Thank you ladies.   You all make me wonder why I was so nervous to come out of lurkdom!  I think I may post more often, esp as we get more and more ready to adopt.  I've researched this more than my husband has (I've always thought I'd adopt at least one child), and I still need to get him educated on certain things. 

CaptainSerious:

Congratulations!  You can adopt!  Assuming, of course, that the items on your list are the most concerning issues in you past.

There was also some emotional/verbal and religious abuse while I was growing up - directed at me, not perpetrated by me.  Also struggled some with bulimia in college, as a result of that issue.  I did therapy though, moved far from my family,and have a strong network of close friends.  While we'll never be close, since they've gotten psychiatric help, I have patched things up with my parents somewhat.  However, the majority of my extended family, the relationship is unfixable. I'm wondering if I should even mention this in the homestudy, or just gloss it over as, "I'm not close with my extended family due to the distance."

PiscesFish

mysticl:

I used to do foster care homestudies and I can't tell you how many times I saw a marriage date that was less than 9 months before a child's birth date.  It wasn't even a factor.  I have also seen foster parents who got married within days of one divorce or another being final.  These were always situations where something caused the divorce to be delayed.

Thanks Mystic!  This is good to know - so should I expect to explain that DH isn't the one who broke up my first marriage, or will most social workers just let that slide?

mysticl

PiscesFish:

mysticl:

I used to do foster care homestudies and I can't tell you how many times I saw a marriage date that was less than 9 months before a child's birth date.  It wasn't even a factor.  I have also seen foster parents who got married within days of one divorce or another being final.  These were always situations where something caused the divorce to be delayed.

Thanks Mystic!  This is good to know - so should I expect to explain that DH isn't the one who broke up my first marriage, or will most social workers just let that slide?

The "why" isn't always that important.  I would let people tell me what they were comfortable with.  Our biggest concerns were if there were children from that marriage then would there be interaction between the ex-spouse and the kids we placed in the home or if the ex caused problems for the family (i.e. just showing up, stalking, harassing phone calls, etc.). If the person we were working with had been the victim of domestic abuse we wanted to make sure they had dealt with it and moved from being a victim to a survivor.