Friend Issues

ilovemybunny

I don't know if anyone remembers my previous post (I thought it was fairly memorable due to the absurd amount of views it got), but I'll link it nonetheless so I don't have to recap our story again...

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/49276924.aspx

If at all possible, I would like to just get opinions on the current issue instead of be lectured about the age difference, but I understand if that's unavoidable...

I followed the advice given before, ceased all communication, asked my friends to no longer talk to him, and things were going well. Until...I get two harassing voice mails from my EX talking about how dumb I am and so on. I wonder why he called me so randomly to express all of this, so I call my best friend and tell her about it...she acts uncomfortable and tells me she has to go. So obviously, she talked to him about me. She finally admits to me that they have been hanging out, and actually had lunch the other day. I ask her to please not talk to him anymore because it causes unwanted stress. She agrees. 

Fast forward a month or two, she tells me that she saw him at a bar the other night and they actually hung out the whole night. I asked her why she, out of all of my friends, is the only one still keeping contact with him, and she tells me that I'm not in charge of who she is friends with, so I should just calm down. She tells me that I am actually the manipulative one, not the EX, because he never tells her who she can and can't talk to. She said it's her nature to be at peace with everyone, especially if they did nothing to harm her.

Fast forward to last night, I recieved a call from another one of my good friends telling me that she sees my friend, the EX, and a few other people at Ihop together at 2:30 in the morning. I ask the friend about it this morning and she then goes on to tell me, that she is actually ministering to him because he is going through a hard time right now, keep in mind that they only know each other because he and I dated. He's going to jail next week (I have no idea why, i think it has to do with drug court) and she wanted to give him a "farewell" hangout. She continues to tell me how selfish and manipulative I am for asking her not to talk to him. I try and explain my reasoning as to why I don't want her to talk to him (i don't want court issues, it causes unnecessary stress, he's a jerk, he's going to make her believe everything he says) and she then quotes Bible verses at me attempting to justify her actions. She said she's just trying to save him and make him a better person, thus ruling out the court issues. When I said I just want to make sure that my daughter will be safe, she replies with "Everything is in God's hands, he will fix everything." I then told her we can no longer communicate because it was getting ridiculous.

 

So, my question to you opinionated ladies, is was that a selfish thing for me to ask? Am i being manipulative for asking her not to talk to him? I have a consultation with my lawyer in two weeks to ask for legal advice. It's really upsetting to lose someone I've been very close for a long time because of this situation, however, I'm scared that her and my Ex's newfound aqcuaintanceship is going to cause a lot of issues.

 Thanks in advance...

sweetie0228

Drop the friend till she comes to her senses.  He's manipulating her into thinking she's the ONE who can save him and she's probably conflicted but is starting a relationship w/ him.

Unknown

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fromthewomb

I think they're doing it.

BostonGayGal

In your original post you mention having great friends, but your taste in friends appears to match your taste in men.

Wait, did you get the order of protection?  You don't mention one.  If not, it is laughable that you said you followed the advice given but don't seem to have gotten the Order of Protection.  Maybe it is because you aren't afraid of him or legitimately realized that he is more annoying than scary, I don't know. But that was a major piece of the advice.  Why didn't you get it?

Edited to add a question. 

ilovemybunny

BostonGayGal:

In your original post you mention having great friends, but your taste in friends appears to match your taste in men.

Wait, did you get the order of protection?  You don't mention one.  If not, it is laughable that you said you followed the advice given but don't seem to have gotten the Order of Protection.  Maybe it is because you aren't afraid of him or legitimately realized that he is more annoying than scary, I don't know. But that was a major piece of the advice.  Why didn't you get it?

Edited to add a question.  

I've been friends with this person for a very long time, and she was a good friend until recently.

No, I haven't gotten the order of protection, I was waiting to discuss things with a lawyer. I'm not scared of him harming me, I'm scared of the potential for him to have any say in our daughter's life (when she get's here, after he establishes paternity) when he can't even go to TJ Maxx or rent a car without going to jail.

 

Thanks for the advice and comments from all. 

BostonGayGal

Thanks for your response. That clears things up.

1) An order of protection in Alabama is inappropriate where you are not the victim of recent abuse or you have not been threatened with abuse. So you may well be right not to get one. Using an order of protection merely to keep a parent out of a child's life is fraud upon the court and sleazy beyond measure so I am glad that you didn't do that.

2)Take responsibility. You choose who you are friends with and your friends get to make that same choice. If he isn't a threat to you, no, you don't have the right to demand that your friends don't remain friends with him.

3) People who hang out in bars with heroin addicts all night then quote bible verses in the wee hours of the morning amongst the strong smell of bacon fat are as fake as the maple syrup served there. I stand by my earlier assertion that your taste in friends and men suck. She didn't just start sucking recently. I seriously question your judgement due to the many bad decisions you have made. How far along are you? What are your plans for work/school or how are you going to support this child? 

ilovemybunny

BostonGayGal:

Thanks for your response. That clears things up.

1) An order of protection in Alabama is inappropriate where you are not the victim of recent abuse or you have not been threatened with abuse. So you may well be right not to get one. Using an order of protection merely to keep a parent out of a child's life is fraud upon the court and sleazy beyond measure so I am glad that you didn't do that.

2)Take responsibility. You choose who you are friends with and your friends get to make that same choice. If he isn't a threat to you, no, you don't have the right to demand that your friends don't remain friends with him.

3) People who hang out in bars with heroin addicts all night then quote bible verses in the wee hours of the morning amongst the strong smell of bacon fat are as fake as the maple syrup served there. I stand by my earlier assertion that your taste in friends and men suck. She didn't just start sucking recently. I seriously question your judgement due to the many bad decisions you have made. How far along are you? What are your plans for work/school or how are you going to support this child? 

I'm pretty sure it's not sleazy to not want him to have any type of visitation that's not supervised until he shapes up and stops acting like he's been. So, for me, it is a threat for him to have joint custody or any right to an overnight visitation schedule in the future. I have no problem with him having a relationship with our daughter, however, his public arrest records scare the crap out of me. The idea of him being arrested while having our daughter with him is something that doesn't seem to rest well with me.

I'm 26 weeks along, so I still have a little while. I moved back home with my parents, currently watch my three month old cousin 50 hours a week, and attend community college at night. I'm quite capable of fending for myself, this situation just caught me off guard because nothing like this has ever happened before. This girl has been my friend since we were little, so it was difficult to see her as anything other than my friend, regardless of her actions. I can understand how you'd question my judgement seeing as how there is no reason to post about all the amazing friendships I do have.

 

Thanks for the opinions, and she and I are no longer "friends," although she has apologized. We are on good terms, but the friendship won't continue.

BostonGayGal

"I'm pretty sure it's not sleazy to not want him to have any type of visitation that's not supervised until he shapes up and stops acting like he's been. So, for me, it is a threat for him to have joint custody or any right to an overnight visitation schedule in the future. I have no problem with him having a relationship with our daughter, however, his public arrest records scare the crap out of me. The idea of him being arrested while having our daughter with him is something that doesn't seem to rest well with me."

I didn't say it was sleazy not to want him to have unsupervised visitation.  I said that getting an order of protection under the false pretense of abuse or threatened abuse would be sleazy. The issues you outline above are what will be decided by a judge if/when he fights you for custody. I was actually saying that you made a good judgement call not to get one.

Now I am questioning your reading skills. 

ilovemybunny

BostonGayGal:

Now I am questioning your reading skills. 

Understandable at this point, sorry.