WWYD if you found out H cheated?

MrsNiner

Monday night H admitted to cheating on me. It was a year and a half ago, before we were married and before we got pregnant. I suspected it and asked him numerous times, but he always denied it. I feel completely betrayed and like there's something wrong with me. I'd love to kick him out and be done with his shiit, but I love him... he's the father of my beautiful baby boy. WWYD? Sorry for lack of paragraphs, I'm on my BB.

BabyNSR

First of all, I'm so sorry. I know this makes things so nuch harder with a child. That would definitely make me think twice about things. However, I don't think I'd ever trust him again, which isn't good for the marriage or the baby. Afterall, not only did he betray you by cheating, but he also lied about it several times after being asked. More importantly, he let you marry him without knowing the truth. IMO, he should have told you before the wedding to give you a fair chance to decide. It's not fair to marry someone under what I consider to be false pretences. So overall, that's a whole lot of betrayal, and a lot to move past. If you think you can fully forgive him and trust him again, I would say stick around. If not, I'd move on even thought it would be the hardest thing in the world. Big hugs to you.

RileyGrace

I'm so sorry.

Personally, I'd leave.  DH and I agreed before we got married that cheating was a one strike situation.  I meant it then, and I'd mean it now.  But that's what is right for me.  You need to figure out what is right for you.  Maybe start with counselling?

I'm so sorry.

JJsMom211

If my H did it when we were married I would have left in a heartbeat. However, if he did while dating I may think twice about leaving. I don't know why I feel that way I just do. Maybe it's because my husband and I have been married for 6 years so anything he did 7 years ago before we got married seems irrelevant. A year and a half is pretty fresh.

You have every right to angry and upset. If you want to be separated from your husband to get your mind right for a while I can understand that too. First, I would suggest marriage couneling. If your husband refuses to go than he isn't fully committed to own up to his mistake and make things right with you.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Remember that your child can sense tension between the two of you so really think hard about your upcoming decisions and your interraction with your husband. You don't deserve this, no one does. Please keep us updated and know that you can come and vent on here anytime you need to!

Lots of hugs to you.

Firedancer1013

JJsMom211:

If my H did it when we were married I would have left in a heartbeat. However, if he did while dating I may think twice about leaving. I don't know why I feel that way I just do. Maybe it's because my husband and I have been married for 6 years so anything he did 7 years ago before we got married seems irrelevant. A year and a half is pretty fresh.

This except we will be married 4 years in a few months, so anything he would have done would have been 5+ years ago.  At that point, I know I was a completely different person than I am now, him as well, so while it is not 'okay', I think I would have to really hear when and why and what we could do to fix the situation or if it was already fixed by this point.  

Also- if your H knew that he cheated and it was an isolated incident, (not trying to be on his side just playing devil's advocate) maybe he was lying about it before and just came clean now because he was really scared you would leave and he felt more comfortable that you wouldn't now that you are married and have a child together?  That doesn't make it right, but again, if it was an isolated incident, he doesn't have a history of this with other relationships, and if you feel like you can trust him again some time in the future with work and or counseling, then I would give it another shot.  I am not a 'one strike and you're out' kind of girl, but I do believe that if they fool you twice it is my fault for not leaving the first time.  Also, I explicitly told my DH when we got together and got married that if I was ever to think about cheating, I would tell him first, and he'd better do the same for me, because if one person is interested in someone else- either emotionally or physically- it is because something is wrong in their relationship that is causing them to seek out something else.  And, I'd rather fix the problem or tell DH what the problem was and leave before cheating.  He has agreed that he would wish the same.  But again, you have to look at your own personal relationship and think about what he adds to your life and what you add to his and if that is enough for the both of you to move forward.  If you can feel like he is adult and man enough now to put his needs aside and meet yours/baby's first just like most women do in their relationships, then maybe you have a path going forward.  He would have a LOT of work to do with me if that were my husband though. 

Sweetbay505

I'm so sorry!  I can't imagine how hard it is to deal with this right now.  I would be completely, insanely angry but I would try not to make a final decision right now about staying together or not.  I think I would want to go to counseling and take time to work it through before I made that decision, especially now that you have a baby.  Is your house big enough that you can live separately but still in the same home so he can help with and stay in contact with the baby?  I would make him move to our extra bedroom so I could have some space to focus on the baby and think things through while we worked it out.

TiffanyTheMom

Um... I need to confess now, I guess, to kind of protect your DH.

When DH and I were still dating, I cheated on him. We were long distance (I was in Japan and he was in Great Lakes) and I had been sexually assaulted and lost my mid and slept with a guy friend. I didn't admit this to DH until last year. He was of course, very angry and very hurt, because we'd been married 6years then. But, he forgave me. And I've very glad he didn't do what all these other ladies here suggested and just leave me. I love him, and with all his shortcomings I need him in my life.

Please have a good long thought about what he means to you, and who he was then and who he is now. And, ask what she meant to him- was she a meaningless fling, or someone he truly cared for? And if she did mean something to him, does she still now? I know a lot of women say to kick him to the curb, but think about what you have with him first. I'm glad my DH didn't kick me to the curb when I admitted I'd cheated on him.

And to be clear, I slept with my friend 6 times I think. I wasn't emotionally invested in him at all, I just wanted to hurt him and I'm glad my DH wasn't around after my assault or else I would have targeted him to hurt. I used sex to hurt my friend, because I felt that was my vengeance on the male population for my assault. It may not make sense to anyone, but that's how I operated after it happened.

Lilystar82

k_renee:

Monday night H admitted to cheating on me. It was a year and a half ago, before we were married and before we got pregnant. I suspected it and asked him numerous times, but he always denied it. I feel completely betrayed and like there's something wrong with me. I'd love to kick him out and be done with his shiit, but I love him... he's the father of my beautiful baby boy. WWYD? Sorry for lack of paragraphs, I'm on my BB.

Aww hun, I'm so sorry.

I would be so upset to find out he cheated on me, but also lied to me about it for over a year. The lying is as bad as the cheating. I think you definitley need some space to figure out what you want, and I think marriage counseling is a necessity if you want to make it work. Please know that it isn't your fault and there is NOTHING wrong with you. (((hugs)))

MiniMadness

BabyNSR:

First of all, I'm so sorry. I know this makes things so nuch harder with a child. That would definitely make me think twice about things. However, I don't think I'd ever trust him again, which isn't good for the marriage or the baby. Afterall, not only did he betray you by cheating, but he also lied about it several times after being asked. More importantly, he let you marry him without knowing the truth. IMO, he should have told you before the wedding to give you a fair chance to decide. It's not fair to marry someone under what I consider to be false pretences. So overall, that's a whole lot of betrayal, and a lot to move past. If you think you can fully forgive him and trust him again, I would say stick around. If not, I'd move on even thought it would be the hardest thing in the world. Big hugs to you.

This was my exact thought.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Personally, I would never be able to trust him again, so I would not be able to stay with him. 

Something else you may have to consider is.... Did he tell you because he felt guilty and it was killing him inside? or because you were bugging him?

sbuxsweetie

I would be very hurt, but I wouldn't immediately consider divorce. I would probably start by finding a good marriage counselor and work on regaining DH's trust. However, if it ever came out that he was a chronic cheater or had done it more than once and lied about it, it would probably be over.

I am so sorry you're going through this.

dee1369

My heart would absolutely break if I was in your situation. My DH is literally my best friend - he has been since we were in middle school - and just thinking about him causing me that sort of hurt makes me tear up a little. I'm so sorry, my heart just aches for you.

That being said... I think you need to avoid making any big decisions until his confession is less fresh. We all do stupid things in the heat of the moment - letting things cool down beforehand is a good idea. 

I hope you can figure things out... I have no advice and no idea what I'd do in your situation but I wish I did! Best of luck.

citychicks

I would want the details of what was going on when he cheated. Was he stressed at work, afraid of getting married, just a d-bag? If there were other things going on at the time I`d be more inclined to go to counselling and try to work on those issues and the trust so that you aren`t always worried about it happening again. But if he cheated because there was the opportunity to and he`s done it to previous GF`s then I`d think about walking out. If he is the type to cheat because he knows he can get away with it, then I don`t think counselling will help.

wendymichelle77

Well...........I, *personally*, would cut his pecker off and then shove it in his mouth.  But that's just me.  I'm a take no sh*t kind of person and that just wouldn't float with me.  Then again.........I watched a movie last night where a girl actually did this to a guy so maybe that's where my agression is coming from.  Either way......he'd end up peckerless around me. 

TiffanyTheMom

Instead of getting angry, keep your head on and find out why he cheated. It might have been before he was serious with you, so make sure this was an isolated incident. He obviously loves you because he didn't drop you fr her, she didn't 'win'. i don't condone cheating, but you have to see the whole picture. And if he's been faithful to you since, he must regret it. Think about all the good he's done, and if one oops is enough to kill a whole marriage it must be a big one. I just don't think you should jump on the divorce bandwagon without seeing the whole picture.

GoMommy

I'm so sorry sweetie!  IMO, as long as you think he has been faithful sine you got married-I'd get some consulting and work on it.  It was before you two were married.  Good luck!

BlueEyedMama715

I dont know what I would do except think about it long and hard. Once you have a child in the mix it changes everything. I would wonder what his reason was and if he ever tried communicating with you about his issues before he cheated. I would find it hard to believe that if he cheated once that he wouldnt do it again in the future. IMO life is too short to spend it being unhappy in a marriage if you lose trust in him for what he did. Personally I dont think I could ever get over it and once I had my DS I think I would have to choose what was best for him. If you would end up fighting a lot or having resentment that could cause greater problems in front of your LO I wouldn't stay.