Someone please make the hitting stop

eeclem

I am getting beat up by my kid. All the time. I currently have a giant scratch on the side of my face because I wouldn't let him pretend his sippy was a sprinkler. It seems like lately his first instinct when he is upset is to lash out - either hitting, scratching or biting, and I am at my wit's end. When he is in a mood, our evenings are a constant string of time-outs (hitting/biting = immediate time out. And he attempts to wail on me all the way to time out.). He is strong, you guys. Like, I can barely pry a toy out of his hand strong.

 I'm kind of worried - where is he getting this from? Is it really such an innate toddler behavior? Clearly, DH & I don't hit him or each other. I'm absolutely positive M&FIL (who watch him two days a week) have nothing to do with it. Could he be picking this aggression up at daycare?  Or, am I totally overreacting and it's a perfectly normal phase?

Any tips or tricks beyond time-outs are welcome.  I remember Mrs. Ram posted something similar a few weeks ago and folks said that mom usually gets the brunt of it. But, I've seen him hit others and he even goes for the dogs when he mad, so I worry it's beyond that.

QueSrah

Isn't this a fairly common toddler phase?  Kids get frustrated about their inability to communicate (their feelings, what they want, how unfair it is that you took away their favorite thing of the moment) and lash out physically by hitting or biting?

Not sure I'm pulling something said from this board or another I'm on - does it help to talk to him?  Tell him "Are you mad at mommy for taking away the X?  You can be frustrated but you can't hit."?  Basically trying to put words to the feelings he has but doesn't have the words for?  I have no idea whether it works - if DCtoLow's time capsule theory holds for our house too, T will be into the hitting by May or June.  (She just picked up the broom and Swiffer fascination in the last week.)

eeclem

Oh, I definitely think it's common but at the same time I also worry that he is more aggressive than most. His attempts at hitting the dogs when he's mad (he rarely makes contact because they're still quicker than him) concerns me.

AgrippaRidesAgain

Yes, it really is an innate thing. DS stays home with me and still went through that phase. They are still so reactionary. I read somethiny once about brain studies done on toddlers. Young toddlers don't have any sort of "holding back" mechanism. Frustrations are expressed immediately through physical action.

I remember that if I would tell DS not to hit the dog, he would immediately turn and hit something else instead. At one point, he was choosing to hit and bite himself.

QueSrah

One of my internet friends was just telling about how she encouraged her daughter to hit a pillow when she got mad.  Focus the impulse in a less destructive direction.

claraj

Unfortunately, it's just one of the normal toddler phases. DD went through it and like PPs said, a lot of it stems from their inability to communicate what they want. Whenever I'd get upset with DD's hitting (or scratching, which was way worse), DH would say, "Pretend like you're dealing with a caveman. That's about her level of comprehension and communication."

And what is up with toddlers being freakishly strong? I swear, DD is stronger than me!

victoria1212

DD swings at us when she is frustrated. And, she throw stuff too. Toddler times are great.

I have no advice. We are trying the time out thing but she does not seem to care.

eeclem

victoria1212:

I have no advice. We are trying the time out thing but she does not seem to care.

Yeah, that's part of my frustration. He'll have like three time outs in an hour and it makes no difference. He cools off between them, but as soon as he's upset again - whack!

AgrippaRidesAgain

eeclem:

victoria1212:

I have no advice. We are trying the time out thing but she does not seem to care.

Yeah, that's part of my frustration. He'll have like three time outs in an hour and it makes no difference. He cools off between them, but as soon as he's upset again - whack!

 Just keep with it.  He's still so young.  He's still mostly just impulses, and really, he can't control it yet.  He might know that he's not supposed to hit, but that doesn't mean that he can stop himself from doing it yet.

DCtoLowcountry

We are in the same boat. We say, "No hitting," count to three, timeout. I don't count him for hitting inanimate objects - if we say "No hitting Mommy" he'll smack the cabinets, walls, anything that's around - but I don't count it if it's not dangerous. I hear you about timeouts begetting timeouts, so I try to switch up activities after one timeout, usually by going into another room. It's hard when you can't - making dinner seems to be an opportune time for him to lose his baby [mind]. We also try to channel hitting appropriately (work bench, etc) but it seems to be more about getting attention. I worry about reinforcing negative behavior. Since it seems to be related to attention and hunger for us we're working on giving him a distracting task when we need to work, or a snack as we're preparing dinner. And running him around as much as possible.  

bh2720

We had a really bad time with hitting around 15-18ish months. He was really beating the hell out of me...and almost never DH. It was totally bewildering. 

I'd be thinking "Wtf, kid? I went through 27 hours of labor for this??!!" (lol...I have to get mileage out of that when I can!!)

Anyway, I don't know that we handled it perfectly....I just said "no hit" and tried to quickly redirect and not give too big of a reaction. It was a tough couple of months and I wondered if I was unknowingly raising some violent wacko. But it ended pretty suddenly and he hardly ever does it anymore. (except for him head-butting me in the head on Saturday...that was fun)

HikerBride07

Babycenter has a good article on aggression in toddlers.  It sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing in giving him timeouts and being consistent. 

2vthokies

Wow, I could have written this post myself....except for a 32-month old.  She went through this phase at the same age as your DS and then it stopped until recently.  We try to talk through it because she is very verbal and we have tried time-out, all to no avail.  She doesn't hit hard, it's more of a tap - like she's testing what will happen if she hits, but it's still very annoying.  If you try to take something away from her, she may even try to bite.  When asked why she is doing it, she will tell you but it doesn't stop the behavior.  Redirection or distraction works 25% of the time and time out almost never (though we keep doing it).  This morning I tapped her back and then she pouted and told me I had to kiss her boo-boo.  So I don't recommend that strategy because clearly it doesn't work .  We don't spank so I only assume that she is picking it up in DC and that she just can't control herself yet when she wants something she can't have.  Most of the time we just ignore it and it stops.  If you figure something out, share it please!

eeclem

Thanks, all. Perhaps I am not raising the next Ultimate Fighting Champion after all (much to DH's dismay).

Mrs.Ram

I don't have a good solution for you, but noticed that DD is especially aggressive when she's overtired or really wound up, so I try to avoid letting her get to that point.

Good luck!

JKM416

I'm very familiar with the temper at this age, how their immediate reaction to ANY little thing not going their way is to fall apart.  Luckily DS hasn't figured out that his fists can be used for hitting, but I'm sure that day will come.  And there really is no reasoning with them, calming them down, "talking it out," etc. at this age.  They truly are little cavemen.  So I mostly just ignore it whenever possible, because there's no way timeouts would work for my DS at all...wouldn't be able to get him to stay in one without tying him to a chair.

Since we can't control their impulses, the next best thing is to channel them elsewhere.  Can you redirect his anger?  Like if you know something's going to happen that'll make him blow, do something easy and silly that he can also do, like clap your hands like crazy and encourage him to do it, too?  Say, "(DS) is mad!  Mad mad mad!  Clap your hands!"  Maybe have a funny song to sing and faces to make along with it to get him to laugh instead - I've found that with DD's dramatics, adding humor often diffuses them.  Or have a pillow (or stuffed animal) at the ready in every room of the house, so again, acknowledge his feelings and verbalize them back to him (isn't that what the psychs say we're supposed to do?), but then say, "Don't hit people.  Hit pillows!" and hold it for him and turn it into a game.  Also, DS shows interest on-and-off in this penguin toy: https://www.amazon.com/Fisher-Price-Baby-Wobble-Penguin/dp/B000W3RYQS.  It could be a good thing to encourage him to take aggression out on: "(DS) is mad!  Hit the penguin!  Knock it over!" and applaud his efforts.

None of that may work at all...just throwing ideas out there because it's crazy frustrating to deal with a behavior that you want to nip in the bud, making sure you're not condoning it at all and setting them up for future habits.  Things like hitting people and dogs are definitely unacceptable, but some days when they do the same behavior over and over and over, regardless of the consequences, you're at a total loss as to how to get the lesson to sink in.