Its back.

futuremrshackney

I thought that my battle with ppd had subsided for a bit and I suppose it did. But now its back and I'm back to thinking irrational thoughts.

Some days I just want to pack up and leave. Not because I really want to leave my family but because I feel like I'm no good. My husband is amazing and sometimes I feel like I don't have the ability to be any kind of mother to my lo. There are days when I just want to bang my head against the wall because she'll scream and cry and nothing I do works. Instead of being calm to try and calm her down I just start getting upset myself and crying. Dh on the other hand is a model parent, hes always calm and manages to clean the house, do the dishes and laundry when hes up in the am watching her ( I do night shift with her).

I hate my body and the way I look. I've been doing the same diet and working out more than my husband since I had LO... hes dropped 30lbs and I've gained 7. My own mother was and is very emotionally abusive to me, and my worst fear is that I will have that kind of relationship with LO. Sometimes I think if I just disappeared they'd all be better off. My husband deserves a stable wife and my LO deserves a patient mother. I'm at a loss.

caprocornia

Are you taking meds?  You should give your dr. a call one way or the other.  If you are on meds, they probably need to be adjusted, if not, it's something you might want to think about.  A therapist might help too.  It can be good to just have someone non-judgmental to vent to.  Have you talked to DH about how you're feeling?  I had the same types of feelings a couple of times.  I would look at how calm and wonderful DH was, and saw myself as a mess.  Make sure he knows how you're feeling.  He sounds like a very good father and husband, and hopefully will help you as he needs to.

Also, I think just the fact that you are aware of your own relationship with your mother and that you don't want that same relationship with your LO will help you prevent that.  

GL!

jenn11178

So sorry to hear this...Since bringing my son home...I have had irrational thoughts as well.  For a while they seem to go away and then BAM...out of no where they are back...  I spoke to a therapist and she told me they seem to resurface when one is feeling anxious.. or in a stressful situation.   I hope you get the help you need...I just want you to know you are not alone!   Wishing you all the best! 

Mamaof3Jade

So sorry to hear about your struggles. I too have struggled with PPD. After my dd was born in January, I struggled with PPD for about 2 solid months. I am now through the thick of it, but still have off-days. I think talking about it with my husband is what helped most of all. Unfortunately, my Dr. couldnt see me until Iris was 7 weeks old, and by then I was feeling much better and opted not to take meds, although I know I could have used them in the earlier weeks. I think the best things that you can do for yourself and your family in this hard time is too be verbal and honest with your loved ones and trust in their advice, so they can help. Put yourself at your Dr.`s and your husbands mercy and trust your well-being with them until they think you are stable again. You will feel much better once you begin to realize that depression is like a virus attacking you, you have to accept that nothing you feel is logical and that what your loved ones say of you is true. Listen to your husband when he tells you youre beautiful and that youre a good Mom. Dont listen to the depression, it wants you to fail. Keep your head up, girl! Were here for you. I know how hard it can hit, and how hard it is to see clearly again. You will, though, look forward to it!

UnderAtree

You brought tears to my eyes. Honestly everything you typed is exactly how I am feeling. The only difference is I take care of DS 24/7 so I am a constant mess. 

I really don't have any advice to add to what the PPs have said, but I know exactly how you feel.