tell me about you and Hs teamwork

MADforever2009

How do you work together?  Do you nag? (or does he think you nag?)  Have you lowered expectations?  How do you manage time?

Being home with the boys the majority of the time I know when things are going to happen...(for the most part) when theyre about to wake up, about to have a meltdown, their cries...etc.  So when me and SO are home in the evenings together and 'working together' to take care of the boys and household things I try to 'help' him by letting him know what needs to be done and when...

example, last night one kid eating (im feeding) the other one is due up within the next 20 mins...I let Mark know it's a good time for him to use his time wisely and clean up from dinner and make Cannons bottle (im all about preparing) he says he will get the dishes and bottles clean before he goes to bed.  normally that would be fine with me but with the boys being unpredictable sometimes by the time we get them down for the night its 11:00 and SO can barely keep his eyes open so I give in and say dont worry about it, youre tired.  So this time I asked him why he would not take advantage of his time and do it when he knows he can get it done.  Of course he doesnt see the big deal of when he does it...

is this just a case of male vs female mentality?  i go out of my way to make life easier on him (make him lunch, etc) why wouldnt he want to make me happy and allow me to be at ease knowing things are taken care of?  i know i need to let things go more and know its not always going to neat and orderly but its who i am and shouldnt he respect that?

How do you handle these situations?

this ended up being long, sorry...

AlishaMay

I am so with you lady!  I honestly think that it comes down mostly to a male/female thing.  I fought it and fought it, but I finally resigned to the fact that the isn't going change any more than I am. 

Life was a lot easier when I let go of the 'how' of things getting done, and just cared about them getting done.  Maybe you can try something like, "I don't care how it gets done, I just really need your help getting Cannon up, fed, and the dishes done before the end of the night."  And then mean it! 

Once I stopped expecting DH to do things in a female superior way, I was able to accept his illogical male way of doing things, because they got done, and I got the help I needed and wanted. 

babydontforget

I've been lucky that H and I are really on the same page when it comes to the logistics of baby care. We both, like you, prefer to be one step ahead of the game.

Based on your example, my advice to you is this: If you feel resentful about having to pick up his slack, stop picking up his slack. He says he'll do the bottles later? Fine. But if "later" comes and you do it for him because he's tired, he will never learn the benefits of dong things ahead of time. And then you'll just keep being pissed. You know? No fair to anyone.

caitdana

Pretty sure this is a post I could have written myself. I make the bottles in advance. 8 at a time for each child so 16 (to hopefully make it through 24 hrs).  I hate washing bottles and nipples. So I dont understand why you just dont do it after every feeding really quick so it doesnt pile up on you.  DH in his single days would let the house get dirty all week and barely pick up after himself until Saturdays. I used to leave things he left out to see how long it would take him to throw away like a coke can.  I try to give helpful hints like you, but to him I am the queen of nagging. We had a major fight this weekend about Jeans and putting them away. This is awful but I have to let him fail a little bit within reason. Instead of my nagging about time and chores. I just let them go or leave. DH really wanted to go to a dr's appt for Ella. He was mad I nagged him about what time it was so I just got up and got myself ready and Ella (knowing full well he wouldnt get up on his own).  I know it puts more pressure on you in the beginning but it really has helped my marriage out to offer suggestions on the back end instead of nagging on the front end. It also has mad DH more independent with the girls and lets him start to figure things out. Of course he wont do things like you but he is a fair share parents too.

krwys10

Yes, DH typically thinks I am nagging, but things have gotten pretty good.

I have lots of experience with babies (and he has nilch) so I tend to give my opinion a LOT to help him, but he does not see it as help and more as, him not being good at it, or seeing him as a failure.  Now I ask him if he wants a suggestion before I throw one out.

MH does work 10 hour days and I am a SAHM, so I do try to do as much of the cleaning, dishes, prepping as I can.  I prefer this to be able to take a break from feeding and diaper changes and this gives DH time to bond with the twins as well.

I also play the give-take game with DH, when he says he is going to play a video game or to the neighbors for a drink, I say ok, then you have the kids the first feed tonight or alright, then when you come back I am going to the store.  I find that if I discuss the 'evens' with him at the moment he wants to do something, he sees it as fair.

GL

kafunder

babydontforget:

I've been lucky that H and I are really on the same page when it comes to the logistics of baby care. We both, like you, prefer to be one step ahead of the game.

Based on your example, my advice to you is this: If you feel resentful about having to pick up his slack, stop picking up his slack. He says he'll do the bottles later? Fine. But if "later" comes and you do it for him because he's tired, he will never learn the benefits of dong things ahead of time. And then you'll just keep being pissed. You know? No fair to anyone.

This. DH and I each give 100% and I've never had to nag him or even really ask him to do anything. We both know what needs to get done and we both do it. And, we both try to make each other's lives easier and play to each other's strengths.

mrs.cam

It is all in his personality.... My dh is a doer. He doesnt sit still ever! I never have to ask him to do anything and he is much quicker to prepare things than i am. I realize how lucky i am of course! As for your dh...he is who he is. Im not sure how you can get him to be what you want him to be unless you discuss it with him and he buys into it. Good luck! Im sure you will eventually fall into a system that works for you both.

IAM4UK

Honestly, DH knows his chores and I could give two shits when he gets them finished. I've learned to just let it slide and roll with the punches. It's not worth it to fight when "you" think its the right time to accomplish something. If that means he is staying up until 1am - that's his problem.

DH is responsible for the dishes, take out trash, prepare bottles, and pickup of toys at night. Those are his nightly tasks.

There are some days that nothing get accomplished at night and he wakes up early to get them done.

We also implement paper,rock,scissors in order to settle disputes on when something needs to get done that neither of us want to do - i.e. poopy diapers. He doesn't nag me about my chores and I don't nag him about his.

He does sense when my anxiety levels go up about the house being clean. He just reassures me that it will be accomplished. I trust him and he is typically right.

We do have a bicker fight every now and then, but what couple doesn't? They are few and far between, but we still have them.

gumiberg

it wouldnt go over well with me if I was sitting on the couch, watching TV, and my DH says, "you know babe, you should use your time wisely and clean up right now!"   I would tell him to go f-himself :-p

I dont nag my DH...if I need help, or there is something I would like him to do, I ask him - and he does the same with me. I think that is fine, that is communication. But your DH may simply not do things the way you do them and I think that is fine, too.

If you've been home you know the ropes.  Your DH may not have learned them yet but trust me, over time, he will. 

Also, if he puts off something to do before bed - dont let him off the hook because he is tired! 

floridakat

Our roles are reversed, as DH is a SAHD and I work. I can tell you a couple of things from the "Dad" point of view.

1. I absolutely HATE to be told that I'm doing something wrong when it comes to the girls. I am their mother, and not being there during the day doesn't mean I don't know how to care for them. I can only imagine dads feel the same way.

2. Instead of telling each other what to do, we came up with the bare minimum that needs to be tackled every evening (do we have enough cloth diapers? bottles? any hand washing that needs to be done? laundry?) and wrote them on a white board on the fridge. Before we settle down to watch TV, we glance at the board and tackle whatever still has to be done. 

3. Flexibility is a must. When either of us gets too rigid about something (when to do something, what to do, when to go, etc.) or tries to micromanage the other one, we have conflict.  

nikinikinine

Oh gosh, I had/have to really explain to my husband the pacing and timing of things since we have the twins. He would turn on a lacrosse game on a Saturday when we have a mile long list of stuff to get done and watch while I nursed the babies. I had to explain to him why packing the diaper bag and prepping bottles and getting their clothes laid out was more helpful than watching TV. Yes, I get that feeding them takes 45 minutes, but so does putting together the bag and all that stuff and getting ready yourself. So why don't you DO THAT and then when the kids are fed I can get ready and we can get out the door. He doesn't always get that the clock is always running, but he is getting better. Now I don't have to tell him to get stuff ready, he does it on his own. I'm *very* proud.

As far as how we work together - I grocery shop, do laundry, and feed babies. He'll put away folded laundry, cook if my hands are full and clean bottles.

At night I feed the kids, but he'll get them from their cribs while I get set up to feed them. And when they're done eating he puts them back in their cribs for me. It sounds stupid, but it's such a help. 

MrsLnt

IAM4UK:

Honestly, DH knows his chores and I could give two shits when he gets them finished. I've learned to just let it slide and roll with the punches. It's not worth it to fight when "you" think its the right time to accomplish something. If that means he is staying up until 1am - that's his problem.

DH is responsible for the dishes, take out trash, prepare bottles, and pickup of toys at night. Those are his nightly tasks.

There are some days that nothing get accomplished at night and he wakes up early to get them done.

We also implement paper,rock,scissors in order to settle disputes on when something needs to get done that neither of us want to do - i.e. poopy diapers. He doesn't nag me about my chores and I don't nag him about his.

He does sense when my anxiety levels go up about the house being clean. He just reassures me that it will be accomplished. I trust him and he is typically right.

We do have a bicker fight every now and then, but what couple doesn't? They are few and far between, but we still have them.

We use Rock, Paper, Scissors, too! 

We each have a set of baby tasks.  DH makes bottles but I unload the dishwasher and get the assembly line of bottles, internal parts (we use Dr. Brown's), nipples and caps together.  After each feeding the bottles go into the dishwasher and the dishwasher gets run every day after the 1pm feeding.  If I'm going to be out at that time, it gets run early. 

Our biggest problem was, since he's not home day in and day out, he didn't realize how things have to be timed on the weekend if we want to get out of the house.  I shower at night and get up before the babies do so we can be ready to go after they are fed and dressed.  We had to have a "discussion" about that but once he realized what needed to be done, it's been just a regular part of our routine.