NBR: IL vent. DH vent? long.

NJinAustin

(full disclosure... I see a therapist and will be discussing this but, am also interested in what you all think...and just need to vent until then)

So, whenever my DH calls his family (who live minutes away) to say hello and "How are you?".... they answer with "something" that always seems to prompt my DH to say, "Oh, I'm sorry." Sometimes I can tell what it is that they just told him by what he says next... but, other times I can't. Sometimes I ask DH, "What was it you were saying sorry about?" Sometimes he'll tell me. Sometimes he won't.. he'll say, "It's wasn't anything."

I guess what bothers me is... in the big picture of things... my DH is who my MIL and SIL lean on instead of their own husbands for emotional support. And when I hear my DH giving them sympathy...and "taking on" their issues (it's usually that they're not feeling well)... I feel like, they're not getting it from their DH's so... they put their burdens on my DH.

The other thing that bothers me related to the "I'm sorry" thing is... DH will be saying "I'm sorry" because they make him feel bad for something he did or didn't do. Usually (from what he tells me) it's something like he said he'd do and didn't do soon enough. Like, it's "his fault" a pipe broke because they told him about a leaky pipe and he offered to fix it at some point but, didn't quick enough... so, somehow it's "his" fault. And, when they talk this way to DH in front of me... it's like, they don't come right out and "blame" him... they say the pipe broke... "You know, that one you were going to fix...." Which prompts my DH to apologize. Well, PS! He's got a 6 month old and you have a husband. Fix your own pipe.

The icing on the cake is... when DH and I are having a "moment" where all I want him to do is simply say "sorry" to me... he won't. Or... it takes him 24 hours to finally get around to it. So... he's so quick to say sorry to them but, me? Not so much.

vent over.

rssnlvr

Oi. My in-laws and their family dynamics are equally strange, mysterious, and dysfunctional to me. My DH was literally the "man on the house" growing up--his parents are artists and wholly unable to deal with the real world of bills and responsibilities. They call him to take care of their bills (still, to this day. Not to pay them, but to call the companies for them, set up payments, negotiate, etc.). Even his 25-yr-old brother calls DH to buy parts for HIS car at the repair store because BIL "doesn't know what to get." My ILs also involve DH in all of their relationship/divorce drama, which is wrong on so many levels. AND they are always SO negative!! They expect only complaints and laments from us (literally. My FIL once called me while DH was traveling and asked if I was "sitting around crying, waiting for my husband to come home.").

The thing that I've learned, though, is that it's a totally codependent, symbiotic dysfunctionality. DH likes to feel like he's the one they lean on, regardless of the stress it puts on him and our lives. He likes being the provider. Not that your DH likes the same thing . . . just that he's probably filled whatever roll he fills in his family for so long that it's comfortable to him to play that part.

I'm sorry. Believe me, I KNOW how frustrating it can all be.  

SaraLouiseBride08

Ugh! I have no advice, but you're definitely not alone. DH's family is so dysfunctional, it's hard to believe. I grew up in a family where everyone almost always gets along, we like to spend time together, and we are (GASP) nice to each other! DH's family ... not so much. Nobody gets along - none of them can be in the same room with another without having a fight. Yet they are always planning these "super important" family bonding get togethers. DH hates going because they are such a nightmare, but feels like he always has to go because if he doesn't they all but come out and tell him what a horrible person he is, that they are his family and he owes it to them to go. And then he feels obligated to go. So we go. And everyone fights. And DH is always trying to fix them, and help them, etc. And yet ... when I need a shoulder to cry on, he can't offer a simple, "I'm sorrry you're feeling this way."

It's a guy thing, I think. Good luck!