IF etiquette

Trippleb

My extended family on my Dad's side are all a good bit older then me. All of my cousins on this side of the family have children my age. Yesterday we had a family gathering at a restaurant with my Aunts and Uncles and first cousins. None of my cousin's children were invited. I was sitting across the table from a female cousin who went on and on bragging about her grandchildren. I heard her tell another female cousin how fortunate she feels to have these grandchildren from her son and his wife, because her daughter and her husband are not having children.

I have always suspected that IF has run in this side of the family, as all of my other cousins on this side have only ever had one child and they had there children very young. I wanted to ask her if her daughter wasn't having children by choice or for medical reasons, but I didn't know how to ask without overstepping my bounds. I am also not out about my own IF but I didn't get married until I was almost 38, so I am pretty sure everyone has written me off as to old.

My sister and I both have endometriosis and I have a cousin on my Mother's side of family who has it. I am just wondering if we are getting hit with this disease from both sides of our family. If the opportunity presents itself again, is there a tactful way to ask such a question?

Edwina.McDunnough

I guess, I would ask the daughter, not the mom. Mom might not know the full story.

Perhaps, if you say that, "Some people choose not to have children, others are unfortunate to not get the choice," and see if anyone takes the bait.

patchen30

I think if there's someone you're close enough with on both sides of the family you could ask, or if it didn't seem to awkward during that part of the conversation to bring it up.  Albsent that, if you really want to know, I don't think it hurts to maybe send an email or make a phone call and just say that you're curious, but you don't want to pry, so if they're comfortable sharing what they know you'd be grateful, if not, you'd understand.  That said, I wonder if it really makes a difference.  GL!

naybird

When I hear someone talking like that, I say "sometimes it's not by choice" and see where the conversation goes from there.

You may want to call/email the cousin and just say something like, I missed you on this occasion then steer the conversation to.. Oh your mom was talking about her Grandkids.. and see where it goes.  

 I'm one of those that has been hit with infertility issues on both sides of the family..   So good luck to you!

chicagogirl10

I think the only fair way to do it is to be honest about what you're going through and explaining why you are asking.  You can, of course, ask that they keep it on the down low.

 Otherwise, think about how it makes you feel when people start asking you those types of questions.  I don't know about you, but I find it pretty offensive.  However, if someone pulled me aside, explained that they were having problems conceiving, and then said they were wondering if others in the family were going through the same thing, I would totally open up.

Best of luck!

Nature Lover

I wouldn't say the "maybe its not by choice" thing unless I was talking directly to the woman. If its her mother or granmother or someone else, she might not know baout their IF, this might make them start thinking about it, and then lead to prying questions.  That's jsut me. 

I also wouldn't ask. I find it really, really, really rude when people ask me ANYTHING about my reproductive choices. Even something as simple as "when are you guys going to have kids".  To me its such ap ersonal thing between a couple that for someone else to ask is jsut rude (I suppose I feel so strongly because of our IF and woudl feel differently if I'd never walked this path). 

The only thing that i think is appropriate to do is bring up your IF issues to the owman who is not having kids. Not to ask her about her issues, but jsut share yours and see if she volunteers anything.  Short of that, I would say don't mention it (even if the mother or grandmother does know, its not her place to share it!!! I would be pissed at my mom if she went sharing my biz - which she probably HAS done.)

Trippleb

Patchen's brings up a good point of "whether it makes a difference" and when I ask myself that, the answer is no.   It won't change the fact that I need IVF and that our family is dwinding to non-existance. If it's endo related, there is no cure.  I guess technically, it was a curiosity (nosey) question and now I feel like a FH for asking. 

I am not close with my cousins or their kids.  We only see each other at major milestone birthdays,(my Aunt turned 90) and funerals.  If their issue is not IF related, I really wouldn't feel comfortable with speaking to them about my own IF and I really don't trust them not to spread the news. if I knew they have been through it, I'd feel differently, but not knowing, I'm not willing to take that chance. 

Thanks everyone for helping me see this more clearly.