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Multiples
Shelley-Bean
member
how is having twins affecting your marriage?
Shelley-Bean
member
in Multiples
I've been with my husband for 15 years, and we got along great. After the twins came, I just can't believe how much our relationship has changed. We both work, and he seems to feel that when he gets home he should be able to relax, sticking me with all the housework/baby care. He's angry because I'm always "nagging" him, and he feels like whatever he does to help just isn't enough. I'm angry because I feel like I have the lion's share of work, and he's being disrespectful (hanging up on me at least once a week, walking out of the room in the middle of the few conversations we have, and just ignoring me the rest of the time.) We seem to resent each other now, and he's just plain mean. His response is "you wanted these kids". There have been so many times I've asked for help, and the response I get is an eye roll, a huff, and then maybe he'll begrugingly half-heartedly do it.
I feel like I'm at my wit's end. Has anyone else had these issues? I love my kids more than anything, and I would never, ever change a thing with them, but I'm not sure if my marriage is going to survive this.
Please don't flame. It took me days to get the courage to write this.
Clomid x 2 cycles ..... BFN. 6/08 Gonal F with TI- BFN. 7/08 Gonal F #2 - IUI 7/11, BFN. 9/22/08 IUI #2 and Accupuncture - Chemical Pregnancy. 11/08 IUI #3 with accupuncture - BFN. 12/08 IUI #4 BFN. 5/09 IVF #1 ER 7/6/09, ET 7/9/09 - BFN. FET 12/18/09 - BFN
IVF #2 -ER 3/6, ET 3/9, OMG - BFP!!! Beta #1 3/22 -332, Beta #2 3/24 - 701, Beta #3 - 14,889 - 1st u/s - TWINS!!
SAIF ALWAYS WELCOME!!!
***Why can't 88 million sperm and 3 eggs find each other in an organ the size of a pear??***
In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins--not through strength but by perseverance. - H. Jackson Brown
In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins--not through strength but by perseverance. - H. Jackson Brown
This discussion has been closed.
Re: how is having twins affecting your marriage?
This time has been very rough for us too, my husband even told me "you're the one who wanted to get pregnant right away again." I think we are also going through the same thing.
Someone on here posted on their twins first birthday, everything they had gone through that first year and something she said really stuck with me, and that that first year was the most difficult in her marriage. I could totally relate to her and I even asked my DH "that after this first year do you think we will look back and say, 'this has been the hardest year of our marriage' " and he whole hardlty agreed with me.
My mom helps me out a lot too, she comes over and will do dishes, fold laundry and hold a baby without me asking her to. She knows I get tired of harping on my DH to do those things and she truly is my angel.
GL to you and I hope things get better!
just wanted to send hugs your way.
Hugs from me, too, and certainly no flames.
My mom is pretty old fashioned and she would always say "give your husband a break - he's a man, don't expect too much from him".
At first I used to get angry when she said that -- and say "No... he needs to buck up"... then I realized that you won't get blood out of a stone. I either accepted him for what he can offer, or travel down the path of unhappiness or even worse!
He tries his best. He does pretty good. And I cut him a lot of slack. I'd rather use all of our pennies for extra help and extra baby sitters then be stressed out.
The first year of our kids we had a live-in caregiver, I was home full time AND I would still hire a teenager to come.... Oh AND I would hire someone to come and clean.
He is who he is. I am who I am. We're only human and can only do so much. I am not a self declared super woman.
Just a different perspective - but it worked for me. We're very happy. Are going to the theatre tonight (without kids
) and to a dance tomorrow night..... he took holidays this week to go fishing with the boys..... but we work hard other times.
Hope this helps somewhat. We can all just get angrier and angrier... or we can try to work with what we have
My IRL friends always are commenting like "I can't believe you are allowing him to go hunting AGAIN!".... my response is always -- what's 2 days away to keep all our sanity.... keep us all happy.... keep his anxieties down.... etc....
good luck!
DS - 40W6D - Oct 2004
DS - 41W4D - March 2007
GGG - 33W6D - July 2008
and... I wanted to add -- see my avatar
We make a point to do things without the kids -- adult days.... adult trips.... that picture is our annual overnighter golf trip for our wedding anniversary. we have great friends in town who look after our boys in exchange for us looking after their girls when they do their trip. and our nanny keeps our girls.
Lots has changed. You don't need to have a lot of family around, just one good babysitter -- for a night out, a romantic supper, 1 night away.
good luck
ETA -- I hope my responses aren't too 1950s LOL....
DS - 40W6D - Oct 2004
DS - 41W4D - March 2007
GGG - 33W6D - July 2008
No one should flame you at all for what you wrote. Marriage takes work every day, and adding kids to it takes more work. With twins...there are pressures to adding two at once that people can't understand unless they've been there and done it.
I think you probably need to say everything you wrote to your husband. Not when you're angry. I'd plan a time, maybe fix both of you a drink or snack, and sit down and talk. It's so easy when the babies come to invest all of your energy into taking care of them and forget to take care of one another. I can't imagine how hard it is for both of you to be working full-time and then for you to handle the bulk of the work with the babies when you get home. That would strain any relationship.
I think you both need to discuss the level of participation that you expect from each other. Did you talk about that before you had kids? If so, it could be a reminder discussion/discuss if your expectations have changed. I know some couples where the wives do 80% of the work with their kids and tthe husband AND wife are perfectly happy with that (I'm making up a percentage for example, obviously). I'm a SAHM, but when my husband gets home from work, he jumps right in to help me. I obviously do 100% of the work during the day, but when he gets home it is 50/50 all the way. That was my expectation before we had kids, and his as well. Once we found out we were having twins, I knew he was going to have to do even more than what we thought, and so did he! Especially in those early months there was nothing I did (except BF!) that my DH didn't do. But this was something we discussed. It didn't just happen. Also, if after you've talked you both don't feel satisfied, I really encourage both of you to talk to someone.
Also, I think you both need to carve out some time to spend with each other, and maybe even alone- especially you! DH and I each have a set night every week that is "ours." DH puts the girls to sleep on my night and I'm free to do whatever. He gets the same privelege on his night. When we're both home we put the girls to bed together and then do something together after. We try to go out on a date every other week. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. But if we can't do a sitter and get out, we make plans to watch a certain movie, order in food, etc. It's so important to spend time together. It's also important to have that time where you're not a Mom- that's what my alone night is for.
Hugs....I'm really sorry you are going through this.
We will be married 5 years this October and planned on waiting til after our trip back to Aruba our honeymoon place to have 1 baby. But suprise I got pregnant with twins. Never in a milllion years did I imagine that. We also always got along.
We had some pretty nasty fights at the beginning. Hes a neat freak and was freaking that I couldnt keep up with all the cleaning and babies, or a bottle would spill, or I'd HATE him for getting to go to work and I was home, or who's more tired or I took care of them all day so now its his turn. We both said some hurtful things that I would never imagine repeating.
Finally we just sat down one night and talked that this is the most stressful time either of us have ever had in our lives and we cant get thru it with out each other. He wants house clean so Saturday mornings he does some cleaning, and Sundays I can spend the day how I want. Also when an agrument is coming on we just say to each other we are NOT gonna fight and just talk about how we are feeling. Its worked soo far.
Also the boys go to bed at 7:30pm so we will enjoy our evenings now, we will make frozen margaritas/daquiris, popcorn or snacks , watch our shows so that helps.
Ugh, I so feel for you, and what you're going through, and I can really relate. ((hugs)) I don't know if I can offer much help, but I wanted to share a couple of thoughts.
Things are starting to get better between us, but we did go though a period like what you described. I don't know that there was a turning point in specific, more than a gradual shift. At first I think DH deferred to me on the care and feeding of our twins, and felt sort of in the way. He had no experience, but felt that me, being a woman, with a little bit of experience, I could do a better job than he could - and thought he should just get out of my way.
Meanwhile, I developed my own 'system' of doing things, and that became all I ever knew, and it became like second nature. So, when I'd ask DH to jump in and help me, he felt lost, not knowing what to do, and I often found myself telling him that he was doing something wrong. For example, when he'd change a poopy diaper, he'd wipe, then throw the wipe in the diaper pail, then repeat this process several times until her butt was clean, then bundle up the diaper and throw it away. It made no sense to me (and still doesn't) why he wouldn't put the poopy wipes in the dirty diaper then bundle up the whole thing and throw it away. When I shook my head and asked him WTH he was doing...it made him feel like he couldn't do anything right, so he stopped trying. In the end the diaper was still changed, no one was any worse for it, but I'd alienated him from helping me - so he stopped.
Next came the resentment...See, through situations like this, I'd beat down his self-esteem as a father, yet at the same time, expected him to still help me. He'd get angry and frusturated at me and say things like "you asked for this",tune me out, huff and puff...many of the things you mentioned. Looking back, I can't blame him.
Like a pp mentioned, it actually took my mom to step in and say something to me as an observer. I realized that I was shooting myself in the foot, and treating him like a child, instead of actually seeing how he was/is trying to help me, just in a different way than I'd do it, I was snapping at him, and making him feel not good enough.
We had a couple of good heart to hearts where I apologized and told him that I realized what I'd been doing. I also offered some suggestions about how he could help out (ie I'll bathe, you diaper and clothe, I'll make our dinner if you feed them, and when they're done, we can eat together, etc) and I backed off on the 'how' of things. As long as it got done, and everyone is in one piece, that's all that matters.
Finally, we made a pact that we wouldn't talk to each other, any less respectfully or lovingly as we would anyone else in our lives. But rather with more respect and love because we each needed and deserved that from one another.
Our marriage is by no means perfect. But we're gaining the ground that we lost, and as we are reaching that 'magical' 1 year mark. I find that we are settling into a good flow, and FINALLY getting to feel comfortable as parents of multiples. I don't know if any of this is ringing true to you, and it got a lot longer than I'd anticipated, but I wanted to share our perspective in case you can gain anything from it. Best wishes to you!
BFP #2 10/13/2009 on our 2nd Wedding Anniversary
Discovered TWINS during the 6w u/s - what a shocker!
Delivered on 5/19/2010 at 34 weeks due to pre-e and HELLP syndrome
The Bump MoM Recipe Collection
Lots of hugs for you...and def. no flames.
I think multiples are very stressful on a marriage. Ditto the PP who has the avatar of a golf outing.... couple things/days/...even a few hours together here and there keep us from strangling each other. And some days.... when we really are not getting along, take 1 baby and go out on errands. He can bond/watch the other baby and you can get away from the marital tension at home. Target!! = therapy for me.
i'm sorry you are struggling.
is he depressed?
It is really hard, we have not had issues where one does not pull their own weight, which I am thankful for, but we had to devise some sort of personal/couple time schedule so, here are somethings we do:
Make time for yourself, you go out to dinner w/friends, the gym, etc, and he watches the kids.
Have him make time for himself the same way you do, and you will watch the kids.
Make time for you together as a couple, hire a babysitter at least 2x a month.
After the babies are put to bed, even though you might have a million other things to do, or just want to sleep--- don't leave the room, spend some time with him, cuddle- sit and watch tv, some undivided attention is great.
I second all this. My husband actually probably does more household chores than I do even though I'm a SAHM but he always has. We divided chores up based on what we liked better so I cook and he does dishes. I do laundry and he vacuums, etc. The chores both of us hate we just suck it up and do them when we have time.
When my husband comes home from work he helps me with the girls until bedtime or watches them while I finish dinner. He reads the girls their bedtime story and we put them to bed together. After the girls are asleep we eat dinner together and do something together as a couple (watch a show, play a game, etc). Even if we only spent 30 minutes doing an activity together it helps us as a couple. On the weekends I always give my DH a few hours to watch sports or play video games completely uninterrupted and he always makes sure I get a few hours alone to do whatever I want to do. This time is essential to our sanity.
We have date nights every other week or so and we try our hardest not to talk about the girls during our dates. The other thing that I have found really helpful in keeping the peace in our marriage is when my DH is helping me with the girls I never comment when he does something different than I would (unless it is dangerous). I know that if I bug him to do it my way he won't want to help me and regardless of whether it is done my way or his way it still gets done. Basically I have learned to just shut up. There are some things he does better than me (he is an expert swaddler and I suck at it). I make it a point to ask him to show me how he does these tasks and mention that he is great at them while I am not. I think it is important for him to feel like I am not the expert parent even though I SAH and that he can parent just as well as I can.
I hope some of this helps. Having a baby can be so rough on a marriage and twins makes it so much harder. *hugs*
Sending you hugs! Our biggest issue is a major difference in sex drive but we do also get resentful of each other too. It was harder in the first year for sure. I feel like I carry the bulk of child stuff but he feels like he does WAY more than the majority of dads he knows (which he does) so he gets upset when I give him a hard time. we usually hash it out & then move on.
I'm really sorry, it is soooo difficult to have twins without the help of a partner who realizes how hard it is & how much harder than having 1 at a time like most ppl you probably know IRL.
Hopefully some of the advice others gave you will help. GL!
Aww, hugs for sure. Statistically, parents of multiples have a higher divorce rate. For all the reasons you listed. Multiple babies at once is a huge challenge to a marriage.
We're still doing well, I hope, but the dynamic is different. I used to be extremely affectionate with him. Like, sickingly clingly. Since the babies have been born, I hug and kiss on them constantly and much less on him. I used to pounce on him as soon as he got home. Now, the first thing he does is scoop up a baby and we start tackling the evening. I really have to make an effort to give him a kiss in the evening.
I know it's a small thing, but I'm fearful that that's how distance starts. We're on the same page about so much, so I'm confident we'll be fine, but we're not the same couple we once were. We're almost always ON as parents. Best wishes to us all. It's not easy.
I am really sorry and absolutely no flames should ever be written. Having one baby at a time is not easy; more than one baby at a time is exponentially harder.
A great book recommended by my friends is called Babyproofing Your Marriage. I highly recommend it. One of the biggest points I took away was continuing to nurture my relationship with my husband including intimacy. (s e ....what is that again?).
Hang in there. Make him go to a marriage counselor if needed. I work long, long days and in some ways being a SAHM during maternity leave was WAY harder. He needs to be helping you any time he can.
Big hugs!
Shelley Bean, thank you for being so honest and bringing a very interesting, albeit tough, topic to this blog. Thanks to the other ladies too for your honesty and candid responses. DH and I read the threads and talked about this for a long time.
I may not be a mom yet, but as a married person, it sounds like your husband has a lot of inner turmoil that he just doesn't know how to manage. Since things went so smoothly for so long, maybe the huge change of life with just you to life with twins set something in motion. I would agree with the other ladies that some time alone to discuss your feelings in a calm way would be a good start. Perhaps you could also write him a letter telling him how you feel. He definitely needs to know how his actions hurt you. I know he might resist, but maybe talking to a therapist alone at first would help him sort out how he feels about parenthood, marriage, etc and then later you could go with him. Best of luck to you and your family!
looking at your sig, you guys went through a LOT to have those babies. I'm sure he's just wiped out; like you must be. Men have a crappy way of showing their emotional exhaustion. If he didn't want the kids, then he wouldn't have stuck around during everything-- I wouldn't think. Did he want children? Was he really a willing participant in your IF treatments? He's acting like a child right now and I'm a little more concerned that something else might be going on.
My H and I were married five years when our daughters were born and things didn't really change for us. It was like M&L had always been there. I know we're incredibly lucky to have that kind of relationship, bc lord knows the shock of two (or more) babies can make or break you.
Having kids brings out the best in your relationship, but it also brings out the weakness and the worst. Just get through one day at a time.