For those who had a drug free vbac
I'm feeling a little down lately...I had a csection this past October, unplanned. My husband is a chiropractor therefore very pro birth centers/home births...no drugs. And I wanted to avoid a c-section at all costs as my mom had 3 due to uterine deformity that completely prevented vaginal birth. So we found an AMAZING birth center and I received all my care there and planned for a natural/drug free birth there. We took bradley classes and felt completely prepared/excited!!! I wanted so badly to experience it. Well about 30 weeks we learned my daughter was breech...we tried everything, moxibustion, acupuncture, webster technique (my husband is certified in this), inversion, headstands in pools, etc. Except manual version...I felt someone was telling me that we shouldn't try that one... Well she wouldn't budge!! I hit full term and we were referred to an O.B. We learned little lady was feet down and they told us that it would be risky to wait for labor to begin...if my water broke we might only have minutes to get her out as we risked her feet/cord coming out first. If she was frank breech (her butt would plus the exit) we would be safe to wait for labor to begin to give her every opportunity to turn. Well I was to scared of my water breaking at home and risking cord prolapse among other things. We had the csection. Turns out the doctor inspected my uterus and found that I have a bicornuate uterus with a partial septum. Little lady's head was trapped up in one side and it literally was impossible for her to turn. Along with this they think she stopped growing around 35 weeks as she ran out of room, she was born at 5lbs 7 oz. My risk for future breech babies is 50-60%.
Well anyways...I'm having a hard time dealing with the csection...I feel like my brain was "programmed" big time for a natural drug free birth and I was completely cheated. I wanted skin to skin...I didn't want the cord cut so quickly...I didn't want her taken away and suctioned/cleaned/weighed/poked. I wanted my husband to catch her when she came out...I don't want to have to look at this scar...I don't want to have another c-section (my mom bled on her 3rd one and we almost lost her) as I'm deeply fearful of them. I know this sounds like I'm whinning and that I need to just get over it but I'm sad sometimes... I feel like I have missed out on something...like something is missing.... I watched the Business of Being Born and they say at the end of the film that there is a lack of love when it comes to csections....and that there is basically a "love cocktail" when you have a vaginal birth..body's release of hormones during childbirth, ensuring the mother's bond with her newborn. This makes me feel like maybe something is missing between my daughter and I. I know this might sound ridiculous but I feel as though the mothers who had natural childbirth maybe have a deeper connection to their child, more love for them. Don't get me wrong I LOVE my daughter to death and I am so grateful for her health and mine....I know that things could be alot worse....but I can't help but feel like something is missing....
so I ask to those women that have had a vbac...how different was it from the csection..emotionally? Did you feel cheated the first go around? Am I crazy for feeling like something is missing in me right now?
Re: For those who had a drug free vbac
I did not have a drug-free VBAC but I think I can address your question anyway.
It struck a chord when you said you felt your brain was programmed for natural birth. That's exactly how I felt. I had gone through HypnoBabies training, which, amongst other things, basically tells you that if you want it badly enough, you'll get a beautiful, awesome birthing experience. They don't say it in so many words, but they set you up for that. Well, you and I both know, it's not that simple. Wanting it doesn't give it to you. I couldn't have wanted it more and I did everything in my power to get it, including three days of un-epiduraled, totally excruciating, earth-shattering pain before the call to c/s. I was blind-sided. I really didn't think it was possible that I'd need a c/s.
I did get an epidural during my VBAC because I did not want to go through that again. I didn't want to be in so much pain and so exhausted that my daughter's birth was secondary to labor ending. I did labor for more than a day without it before I asked for it, and it wore off when I was fully dilated so I pushed without it. (FTR, I'm glad I got it, because I got some sleep and was totally mentally and emotionally present for the birth.)
Anyway, was it different? Yes, in many ways. I broke down in tears when I realized I was actually about to push her out. She was placed on my chest so quickly I hadn't even caught my breath and I was staring into her eyes. I got up and walked around less than an hour later, could bend over, carry her around, etc. and we went home a mere 4 hours after delivery. I was on top of the world. We bonded immediately.
But also, no, in some ways it wasn't. It took months for me to bond with my first. I hated what happened to me, we struggled with breastfeeding, I had PPD. It sucked. But we DID bond. And now when I look at either of my daughters, there's no "oh, you were the one with the crappy birth" or "you were the one with the awesome birth." There's just love.
I'm not anti-natural-birth, but I think getting TOO FAR into this mindset that you're in control when it's not true, is a disservice to women, and I do feel that THAT cheated me. My first daughter had to be a cesarean, but it didn't have to be traumatic. So in that way, I do feel I was cheated? but on the other hand, it feels very much in the past now. I have these two amazing people in my life, and it becomes more and more irrelevant how they got here. That's not to say the experience doesn't matter, or "all that matters" is the baby; I had to deal with so many complex emotions to get to this point. But over time, the experience of the birth got smaller and smaller, and the experiences of raising this amazing girl got bigger and bigger. I hope that makes sense.
You're not crazy to feel what you feel, but know it gets better. ((((hugs))))
Great post, Lorry.
I haven't had a VBAC but I can definitely relate to your feelings about having a c/s. I also felt like a vaginal birth was just the way it was supposed to be and I wasn't emotionally prepared for my c/s. I felt cheated and angry and like I had missed out on something profound.
Time has really helped with those feelings. I had to let myself be angry and upset and work through those feelings. Preparing for my next birth has helped too. I can't guarantee that I will have a VBAC but I can be a more active participant in my care--whether I have a vaginal birth or a c/s--and try to make it a better experience.
It really bothers me how The Business of Being Born and other natural birth resources act like having a c/s kills maternal bonding. It's more complicated than that. Women who have difficult births--vaginal or c/s--may have a harder time with initial bonding but bonding is not one moment. It's a lifelong process. I didn't feel bonded with my baby right away but now I feel like we have an amazing bond and I love her like crazy. If a mother has persistent difficulty bonding with her child, there may be some other underlying issues like postpartum depression and she would benefit from some counseling.
I also agree with Lorry that natural birth is a great goal but we need to be careful about setting up unrealistic expectations. The reality is that while most labors and births go just fine, some moms and babies really do benefit from interventions and cesareans. It's not a reflection on you and it's not a failure. I don't like the term natural either because then it suggests that women who need interventions are doing something unnatural. And if you ask me, there's nothing unnatural about a mom making a sacrifice like having a c/s when she didn't want to in order to give her baby the healthiest start in life.
It really does get better. Hang in there and be kind to yourself.
I had a lot of the same feelings as you about my c/s. While my med-free VBAC was a totally different experience for obvious reasons, I think it almost validated my feelings that my c/s was unnecessary. I thought that would bother me, but it actually helped me get past it and was very cathartic. I do feel that I was lucky that things progressed how they did during labor this time since birth is so unpredictable. However, I had new providers and I'd like to believe that if I ended up with another c/s that I'd feel better about it than the first one b/c it would have been necessary. This touches on the control aspect that the pp mentioned. I took steps to get myself in the best place for a VBAC and felt like I was respected as a patient/mother/woman.
I knew that my c/s weighed heavy on me the past 2+ years, but didn't realize how much until I had my VBAC. Going to the ICAN meetings helped me a lot as well.
ETA: About the bonding. Yes, I felt a connection to #2 right away, but I also think this has something to do with it being #2 and already experiencing the mother/child bond with #1. Does that make sense? After my VBAC I was on a high and didn't sleep for 2 days compared to being drugged up after my c/s. I do wonder if I had some sort of PPD with DS based on how different I feel this time.
Just wanted to echo PP and say that your feelings of disappointment and sadness about your baby's birth are totally normal. When we prepare ourselves for a certain experience and the reality differs so vastly, it is a shock. I experienced a similar shock that took a long time to recover from. I had PPD and saw a therapist, and that really helped me. I wish I would have connected with ICAN earlier, because I think that would have helped more than anything --- just to know that other women had similar feelings. I felt a long time having all these feelings about my baby's birth --- anger, sadness, feeling like my body wasn't good enough, maybe I wasn't a good mom because of how my baby was born, etc. Then I had guilt for being so consumed with these feelings because a lot of the outside signals (family mostly) kept pressing me to "get over it." ex: MIL (very nice woman btw) was asking me at 10 days postpartum if I was "back to normal." She wanted me to say yes. That hurt tremendously.
I think you have a lot of good advice here about being open to whatever comes next time and giving yourself a lot of time to grieve and heal. I had to tell my story a lot of times to people who really cared before some of the sting started to go away. As for the scar, it has faded just like the emotional trauma, but it's still there, and it'll always be with me. I know what you mean about looking at it, though. I used to feel that way, but I don't anymore. It really takes a lot of time to work through feelings like this, and that is normal and okay.
A couple things you might consider...there's a book called Birthing From Within by Pam England. It's kind of cruncy, but you might like it. There's a section on repeat cesarean and a lot about healing from a difficult birth experience. There are VBAC stories in the book too. Also, there's this site that I stumbled on ... https://www.c-sectioned.com/. This site brought me to tears (it's cesarean art reflection), so if you don't feel up to it today go sometime in the future. Again, things like this just made me feel less alone.
We're all here to support you. GL!
International Cesarean Awareness Network
https://ican-online.org/
FWIW my mom had a c/s with my brother and a VBAC with me so you think she could relate to how I've felt. But she doesn't understand my feelings either. She was fine with her c/s and only had a VBAC because her doctor really encouraged it--she would have been fine with another c/s too. Some people just can't relate. Different people process childbirth experiences differently. But you are not alone or crazy. There's no "get over it" timeline you have to follow and there is nothing wrong or selfish about the way you feel.
I just sent an email to my local chapter! Thank you.
Yes, just spoke with my mom about it again and she just doesn't get it. She says that things could be worse and what if "women weren't allowed c-sections at all, then I wouldn't have my baby." She says things like that...doesn't help...thanks mom. : ) Thanks again ladies.
Just had my drug free VBAC, and I have to say, while yes, my excitement was 'up' a bit more when I got to hold my VBAC DS, I don't think my relationship with my c/s DS is lacking in any way because of the c/s, though. I don't love my birth experience with him, and was very sad that it happened the way it did, but I remember in the hospital being so incredibly excited for them to bring him to me for his feeding (I couldnm't get out of bed that first night so he didn't room in) so I feel like I still had some of the emotional highs that I had with my VBAC. I don't feel like my connection to him was hurt at all.
I'm most definitely a different person and mother this time around, so it's hard to say that the way I relate to the two of them are the same, but I honestly don't think that my love for #1 was in any way diminished because of the c/s. The experiences definitely are different - I was able to take care of #2 much easier and much more because of the VBAC (wasn't nearly as tired and restricted to my bed as I was with the c/s) and I was able to spend more early time with #2 than #1, since I wasn't separated from him with recovery, etc. I do regret the time we didn't have together because of the c/s - that makes me angry and upset to think about, but I don't feel like that has had any sort of lasting effect with our relationship or my emotions toward him. At the same time, because my c/s baby was my first, I have a very special bond with him because of that which is different than my VBAC baby.
I've always kind of said, my negative emotions (and there were many) surrounded my birth experience, and at least for me, they are very separate from the emotions I have for my eldest. There's so much that goes into your relationship with your child - you have so much to share and give to her. Your birth experience doesn't have to be the defining moment for your relationship. I know my answer was a bit jumbled, but I hope that helps a bit! (hugs)