A loss is a loss is a loss...right? — The Bump
TTC After a Loss

A loss is a loss is a loss...right?

Why if when you miscarry early do people make the comment of "well at least it was early"? Just out of curiosity, do people think that an early loss some how means it wasn't real or "there was nothing there yet"? (I find reactions to this comment funny when I tell them I was pregnant with twins. Most people don't say anything after that.)

Also, why do some FH's have to literally push it in your face and make sure that when you are anywhere near them they have to talk about morning sickness, being tired, gaining weight, etc., etc., etc.

I'm sorry I just needed a little vent today

~A tear never falls that doesn't have love attached~


~Each tear is a reminder of my beautiful twins~


2 Angels in Heaven - 3/1/11 (5w4d)

<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lagf.lilypie.com/tUyem4.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers" /></a>

[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/0;1;10766;47/st/20110611/l/33/k/648f/ttc.png[/img]

[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/t/wpLFyMA/weight.png[/img]

Re: A loss is a loss is a loss...right?

  • I hear ya! It sucks when people imply the earlier, the easier it must be. Sometimes I think (and myself included) have to stop trying to make it less than it is and just say "that really sucks. I am sorry." and leave it at that. Regardless of when it happened.
    6 & 2 year old, 2 losses
  • JT325JT325
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Comments
    member

    I don't get why people say that either.  I was so tired of hearing, "it happens for a reason." 

    I would love my baby if it was purple with polka dots! 

    BFP#1: 3/9/11 Natural m/c: 3/21/11
    BFP#2: 7/21/11 DS born 3/23/12

    BFP#3: 9/14/14 EDD 5/22/15

     Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Loading the player...
  • I think a lot of it comes from not understanding. if someone has never ever had a loss it is damn near impossible for them to even fathom how it feels. i guess they think that if it is early then you haven't had time to become attatched. or something like that

    image

  • Because people who haven't had a loss will never understand.  When my SIL starts with her comments like that I want to be like "see that u/s on your shelf of (nephew's name) at 9 weeks?  What if you lost him at that point?  (nephew's name) was a 8.5 week old fetus at one point too".  

    It is all I can take to not scream at ignorant people.  I say again, we should all move to an island together.

    image







  • image Gracey_Manor Maid:
    I think a lot of it comes from not understanding. if someone has never ever had a loss it is damn near impossible for them to even fathom how it feels. i guess they think that if it is early then you haven't had time to become attatched. or something like that

    This.  I do have to admit that my early loss was easier than my late loss, but that was more because I knew it wasn't going to work out than the amount of time I was pregnant.

    TTC #1 since 8/09
    BFP#1 - 9/2/10, EDD 5/14/11, Twins Hannah and Liam lost 11/7/10 @ 13w1d.
    BFP #2 - 2/9/11, EDD 10/13/11, LO lost 2/13/11 @ 5w4d
    BFP #3 - 5/9/11, DS born 1/13/12

    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
    ~*~My BFP Chart~*~Our Story~*~
    ~*~Labor Buddies with Sweet Turnip - Welcome Baby Girl 2/23/12 & Aluenna - Welcome Ivy 1/6/12~*~
  • ::hugs::

     

    One of my friends was going on and on today about how she's in her third trimester now, and she's tired all the time and feels miserable, blah blah blah.  I would KILL to be in my third trimester with a healthy baby, no matter how awful I felt.  I get that she's entitled to her feelings, but I'm not the person to be telling them to. 

    dx: PCOS
    Clomid + Met = BFP#1 12/27/10, missed MC discovered 2/9/11, d&c 2/11/11, 10w3d
    Natural cycle (just Met) = BFP#2 6/3/11, Baby A arrived 2/16/12
    <a href="http://s1091.photobucket.com/albums/i390/tlneff0108/?action=view
  • image Jilly8384:

    I don't get why people say that either.  I was so tired of hearing, "it happens for a reason." 

    I would love my baby if it was purple with polka dots! 

    I love your comment!!!! I too would love my babies even if one was pink polka dotted and the other was green with blue stripes!!! lol!!!

    Thank you!!! You made my day!!!

    ~A tear never falls that doesn't have love attached~


    ~Each tear is a reminder of my beautiful twins~


    2 Angels in Heaven - 3/1/11 (5w4d)

    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lagf.lilypie.com/tUyem4.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers" /></a>

    [img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/0;1;10766;47/st/20110611/l/33/k/648f/ttc.png[/img]

    [img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/t/wpLFyMA/weight.png[/img]
  • image hopefulmom81:

    Because people who haven't had a loss will never understand.  When my SIL starts with her comments like that I want to be like "see that u/s on your shelf of (nephew's name) at 9 weeks?  What if you lost him at that point?  (nephew's name) was a 8.5 week old fetus at one point too".  

    It is all I can take to not scream at ignorant people.  I say again, we should all move to an island together.

     I want to move to that island!

    ~A tear never falls that doesn't have love attached~


    ~Each tear is a reminder of my beautiful twins~


    2 Angels in Heaven - 3/1/11 (5w4d)

    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lagf.lilypie.com/tUyem4.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers" /></a>

    [img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/0;1;10766;47/st/20110611/l/33/k/648f/ttc.png[/img]

    [img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/t/wpLFyMA/weight.png[/img]
  • I agree that no matter how early or how late a loss occurs it is still devastating. But for some reason the rest of the world doesn't see it that way. I remember someone asking me after my first loss how far along I was and once I said 10 weeks you could see her face change...like suddenly I was overreacting and there was nothing to be upset about.

    I try to look at it like this...a mother would be just as upset if her 2 year old died as she would be if her 18 year old died. Just because one lived longer doesn't mean she loved him/her any more or the 2 year old any less. We don't compare those losses so why do we compare the losses of unborn babies, ya know?


    [spoiler] My Blog: Grow Baby Grow

    BFP #1: 12/2009 m/c 1/2010 BFP #2: 6/2010 m/c 8/2010

    BFP #3: 10/2011 ectopic 11/2011 (right tube removed, learned left tube was probably nonfunctional due to scar tissue from infection after m/c)

    3 failed IUIs, IVF #1: 18R, 12M, 10F, 3 poor quality 5d embryos transferred= BFP #4!!!!!

    Betas: 9dp5dt: 64 ~14dp5dt: 91 (expecting miscarriage, doubling time of 236 hours) ~16dp5dt: 200~18dp5dt: 500

    First Ultrasound at 6w2d revealed two sacs, only one with a heartbeat

    LK arrived after 42 weeks on August 14, 2013! Beautiful, healthy, and happy!

    TTC#2: IVF booked for April 2015

    Surprise BFP#5 February 19, 2015 EDD: November 2, 2015

    Betas: 10dpo: 10, 14dpo: 77, 17dpo: 270

    First Ultrasound at 5w1d showed a miracle UTE baby! And right ovary ovulation to left fallopian tube.

    JD arrived at 38 weeks on October 20, 2015.

    TTC #3: Since October 2017. BFP #6 July 2, 2018 EDD: March 16, 2019 [/spoiler]


  • image Laurakat81:

    I agree that no matter how early or how late a loss occurs it is still devastating. But for some reason the rest of the world doesn't see it that way. I remember someone asking me after my first loss how far along I was and once I said 10 weeks you could see her face change...like suddenly I was overreacting and there was nothing to be upset about.

    I try to look at it like this...a mother would be just as upset if her 2 year old died as she would be if her 18 year old died. Just because one lived longer doesn't mean she loved him/her any more or the 2 year old any less. We don't compare those losses so why do we compare the losses of unborn babies, ya know?

    Exactly, I completely agree!

    ~A tear never falls that doesn't have love attached~


    ~Each tear is a reminder of my beautiful twins~


    2 Angels in Heaven - 3/1/11 (5w4d)

    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lagf.lilypie.com/tUyem4.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers" /></a>

    [img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/0;1;10766;47/st/20110611/l/33/k/648f/ttc.png[/img]

    [img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/t/wpLFyMA/weight.png[/img]
  • I'll be brutally honest. I had a friend who had an early m/c a year ago and I didn't really understand her grief. I felt bad for her, but in some small way I felt like she was overreacting a bit. Now, I NEVER said anything to her about it, I just kept those feelings to myself.

    Then I got pregnant and the love I felt for my child the second I found out I was pregnant was so overwhelming. Seeing his/her heartbeat for the 1st time was beyond the most amazing moment of my life. When I found out I was m/c I was devestated. I don't care that my child was only 7w5d gestation, s/he was MY child and I loved him/her with my entire heart.

    I think people downplay early losses so much because they don't really understand how devestating it can be. Until you are actually in the position, it's hard to relate to that love and the grief. I think what makes early losses that much harder is how isolating it is. When you do express how you feel, people tell you to move on or that things happen for a reason. I don't care at what point you lose your child, it's beyond devestating.


    My Old Blog | My Chart | TTCAL Shenanigans
    ♥BFP #1 "Spawn"- 02/23/11 | EDD: 11/01/11 | natural m/c 03/20/11 @7w5d♥
    ♥BFP #2 "Offspring"- 11/10/12 | EDD: 07/25/13 | incomplete m/c 12/14/12 @8w1d | D&C 12/21/12♥
    ♥BFP #3 "Progeny" - 02/16/15 | It's a BOY!! | EDD: 10/17/15 | BD: 10/23/15♥
    All AL Always Welcome

  • I have had this said to me too...it really sucks.  My best friend has said it multiple times.  I know she means well, she is referring to the fact that the subchorionic hematoma could have caused a loss at any point in the pregnancy.  It still hurts to hear it.  
    7/10 TTC ~ 12/10 DX PCOS ~ 1/11 CD 90 BFP ~ 3/10/11 MC 9w5d due to severe SCH ~ TTCAL 5/11 ~ 5/12 3rd cycle Clomid BFP TWINS!



    Owen and Claire arrived 1/9/2013!!



    [IMG]http://i47.tinypic.com/av37m9.jpg[/IMG]




    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=mommy-multiples&utm_medium=ubb&utm_campaign=badges"><img src="http://images.thenestbaby.com/badges/tb_sig_multiples.gif"></a>

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=cloth&utm_medium=ubb&utm_campaign=badges"><img src="http://images.thenestbaby.com/badges/tb_sig_clothdiaper.gif"></a>




    All AL ladies welcome!
  • morkmork
    5000 Comments 100 Love Its Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    image Laurakat81:

    I agree that no matter how early or how late a loss occurs it is still devastating. But for some reason the rest of the world doesn't see it that way. I remember someone asking me after my first loss how far along I was and once I said 10 weeks you could see her face change...like suddenly I was overreacting and there was nothing to be upset about.

    I try to look at it like this...a mother would be just as upset if her 2 year old died as she would be if her 18 year old died. Just because one lived longer doesn't mean she loved him/her any more or the 2 year old any less. We don't compare those losses so why do we compare the losses of unborn babies, ya know?

    This was perfectly said.
     Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Mama to 5 angel babies, 1 rainbow baby, and 2 more angel babies. 
    My beautiful Ella/ToT arrived 10/10/12. 
  • I agree that a loss is a loss. I find the concept of a miscarriage is so awkward for people that they just don't know what to say to you. They say all these horrible things because they are nervous. Or that's what I hope anyways.

    I have been really struggling with my loss because it was very early. I often feel ashamed of my sadness as though I don't deserve to grieve. I still have a hard time with it.

  • I know, I hate it.  All I keep hearing is "it just wasn't time" "it happened for a reason" "When the time is right it'll happen"...well the fact is it did happen.  And I don't care that my baby was the size of a tiny seed when I lost it, the fact is it's gone! And I should be seeing his/her heartbeat next week but instead I'm being reminded that it can't happen again for at least 3 more months.   All these comments about "when it's right' seem more like an insult than a condolense (sp?).  This is the reason I barely told anyone and told those people to keep it to themselves. 
    [center]TTC since 3.2011[/center]
    [center]BFP #1: 3.15.11- c/p[/center]
    [center]RE consult 6.2012 Dx:Nothing[/center]
    [center]Naturopathic consult 6.2012 Dx:Thyroid, reproductive, and hormonal imbalances[/center]

    <a href="http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/340c84">
    <img border="0" src="http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ticker/340c84/ttc.png"></a>
  • People just do not understand. In a way, I'm glad they don't. I'd rather deal with their ignorance than knowing they've been through this special kind of hell.  

    I've had both ends of the spectrum. A chemical pregnancy and a stillbirth at 35w. I can honestly say, they both hurt like HELL. However, my stillbirth was a hell of a lot worse than my chemical pregnancy.

    That being said, I really hate how people have not acknowledged my last loss. It's still a loss! It's still a baby that I did not have. It really sucks.


    BFP#1 {Cashew} - 9.19.09 EDD 5.26.10
    The day you first lay in my arms, you made my life complete.
    Aurora Rose born sleeping at 35w on 4-21-10
    BFP#2 {Almond} - 2.1.11 EDD 10.12.11 C/P 2.11.11

  • The other ladies hit the nail on the head with the understanding thing.

    My theory is when it's an early loss there is nothing visible. No bump, no photos, no clothes, nothing. So to them it isn't real. With a late loss the tangibles are there so it gets recognized more.

    People don't realize the emotional connection early on or how powerful the hormonal influence of the situation is.

     

    <a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers"><img src="http://global.thenest.com/tickers/tt6fd81.aspx" alt="Anniversary" border="0" /></a>

    PGAL/PAL Welcome

    [IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/1jebm.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i51.tinypic.com/28tyzw4.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/2z589x4.jpg[/IMG]




    [IMG]http://i44.tinypic.com/2w1sayd.png[/IMG]
    [IMG]http://i45.tinypic.com/wb5ljr.jpg[/IMG]
  • image mork:
    image Laurakat81:

    I agree that no matter how early or how late a loss occurs it is still devastating. But for some reason the rest of the world doesn't see it that way. I remember someone asking me after my first loss how far along I was and once I said 10 weeks you could see her face change...like suddenly I was overreacting and there was nothing to be upset about.

    I try to look at it like this...a mother would be just as upset if her 2 year old died as she would be if her 18 year old died. Just because one lived longer doesn't mean she loved him/her any more or the 2 year old any less. We don't compare those losses so why do we compare the losses of unborn babies, ya know?

    This was perfectly said.

    I agree...I think alot of pp have said what I feel... it's hard to understand when you haven't been there and the "it will happen", "aren't you taking this a bit far", "there was a reason"... just gets me.  Ugh.    

    [IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/s2smzd.jpg width="77" height="130"[/IMG][IMG]http://i52.tinypic.com/9sf6z7.jpg width="117.36" height="80.92"[/IMG][IMG]http://i53.tinypic.com/13z75o1.jpg[/IMG]
    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lagm.lilypie.com/nm8Am8.png" width="200" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers" /></a>


    BFP#1-11.22.10; EDD 7.30.11; missed m/c 1.18.11(12w2d,[email protected]~9wk);D&C 1.20.11


    BFP#2-8.6.11; EDD 4.15.12, stick baby stick! [url=http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/33c40f] My BFP Chart [/url]

    [email protected] 13dpo-289 (prog-29.1); [email protected] 15dpo-747
    11.24.11 - It's a healthy boy!

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Pregnancy"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt13b830.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0" /></a>
  • image Gracey_Manor Maid:
    I think a lot of it comes from not understanding. if someone has never ever had a loss it is damn near impossible for them to even fathom how it feels. i guess they think that if it is early then you haven't had time to become attatched. or something like that

    I agree.  I'm so sorry people have been saying that to you.  A loss is horrible and sad, regardless of when it happens.  (((HUGS)))

    Mom to Eliott Alexander, born sleeping at 37 weeks on 8/13/10. Most of us only dream of angels - I held one in my arms.
    BFP #2 - EDD 2/26/12 M/C 6/28/11 @ 5w2d
    BFP #3 - EDD 4/7/12 M/C 8/2/11 @ 4w2d
    Too beautiful for this earth
    BFP #4 - EDD 12/09/12, Lucille arrived 11/26/12
  • I think the one that bothers me most is people saying God will give us another LO. Or that God knew best in this situation. That is not what a grieving mother needs to hear. Just an I'm sorry, this sucks for you is plenty. I don't need explanations or reasons. But I do agree that a lot of times these things are said because others are struggling with how to comfort someone who's dealing with loss. It's the same reason people say stupid things at a funeral. They want so desperately to see the grieving comforted that they say whatever comes to mind and it's usually not quite the right phrase. :)

     A loss is a loss, for sure. My first m/c was at 10 weeks and it was crippling. I felt like I functioned in a fog for days. This last one was just barely 5 weeks. It wasn't as difficult to deal with because I'd only had about three days of knowledge. But it still hurts. I still have moments that make me want to cry for the child I can't even hold in my womb. I don't think anyone can categorize a lost child/baby as more or less hurtful at any point. It sucks no matter when you have lost them.

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards