help with a mom issue--my mother that is-sorry long

dionnemd10

after a year or more of holding my tongue and keeping conversations etc between us on very neutral terms--think discussions about kids, weather, and such.   we finally had a real discussion almost 3 weeks ago--where i feel totally cleansed and refreshed from but that has unfortunately put her into a funk and depressive spot that she i think was headed to anyway.     she organized my childrens clothing, she i think bought herself a new vaccum to clean my home with because she felt mine wasn't working good enough--she has done that before as well.  

we have had a strained relationship on and off since i was in college--i think she has underlying manic/depressive stuff going on-but i shouldn't "psycho anaylize her."  

anyway-how do i keep a neutral or go back to neutral for the sake of my children or is it worth it?   i'm already back to neutral, but she is still on the guilt trip, how can i run your life stage--which is part of the cycle for her.

how do i let it go and not let her have control--or fool her into thinking she has control?  which she hasn't had for years in my life but for some reason still feels she does?   i mean to the point of we are planning a family vaca to disneyworld in dec-her comment "scotty can come stay with us-i mean he is too young to enjoy so just leave him home."    um what part of family vaca didn't she get or understand?   HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   open to any ideas or suggestions or even knowing i'm not alone!

superaunt

honestly i smile and nod and ignore ignore ignore. and when ignoring doesn't work, i usually become extremely blunt and tell people to back off.

dette7820

I will be honest, I have gone to therapy to deal w/ such issues.. and the best thing my therapist ever said to me was "you are an adult, with a family and a mind of yoru own" "let their issues, their reactions be THEIRS.. not yours" Just know it's HER issue and let it be. You said your piece and she will get over it.

Go back to normal neutral and she will to.

Good luck.

Shayna0182

fredalina:

She will probably never change.

essey1234

with my mom, when this happens, I have no choice but to just ask" are you going to let this go? or do you still want to talk, fight , argue" I then tell her that i am ready to let it go and after another day or 2 we are back on track.

MarMat

your mom sounds a lot like mine..

she's constantly butting in, thinking she's the only one who can see that there is something wrong (according to her view, that is) and must say something.

She hasn't change, and honestly, I don't think she ever will.

I do not tell her when DD is sick, and hardly ever share "discussable" topics. I avoid them at all costs. If she starts saying something like: "Do xyz" I answer back: "Are you telling me how to raise my child or what to do?. Most of the time it shuts her off.

If I'm on the phone, I tell her I need to go, if she's at my house I change the subject. 80% of the time she gets the hint. the other 20% she doesn't care and still says whatever she wants to. I ignore her.

I know you feel bad for her, I know. But your family it's first and you must do what it's better for them. She's making the decisions and those have consequences. She must deal with them, not you. It's harsh, but that was the only way I could let it go. (I went into theraphy because of this).

sorry that this went soo long, I want to say you are not alone. PM if you wish to talk more about it. and GL!

SnackBot

What exactly did your conversation with her entail?  Did it involve you unloading a year's plus of annoyances on her?  I can't blame you since I've done the exact same thing, but I know from personal experience that it does nothing to change the other person, make you feel better, or improve the relationship.

Your Mom sounds like my MIL (but without the drug problem).  The best advice I've received so far is: 1) you teach people how to treat you; 2) boundaries are key; 3) you have no control over the way she chooses to react; 4) do not feel guilty about knowing/doing what is best for your family; and, 5) limit the information you are willing to share with her.  Your Mom will not change, but you can break the cycle and YOU can change the way you react to her. 

I know from far too much personal experience how hard it is to deal with family members who are mentally ill and/or controlling.  I don't envy your position, but I can tell you that it's possible to love and interact with these people from behind some gorgeous, custom boundaries that are guilt-free.