Reagrding Marriage: Anyone Else Notice this?

Princess_Lily · March 2011

IDK if anyone has noticed this, but in the years I've been married, marriage seems to have its ups and downs, its highs and lows.

If both people are in love and are willing to make an effort to make a harmonious marriage, there should be an open line of communication among eachother. Maybe its something that happens over and over, and maybe its a one time thing that bothers the other person; Irregardless, if you keep open lines of communication with eachother, and respect eachother, at the end of the day IMHO its a happy marriage. People need to talk when they hurt the other, and the receiver should be respectful and try to see that persons perspective.

Personally for me, this is easier said than done. I tend to take things very personally (which I'm trying to work on), so I try to sort out my thoughts and write everything down so I could come to a rational way to communicate to DH; by doing that our communication seems to be smoother than when I don't write everything down, and I react in emotion.

Some days, marriage seems to be a lot of work and some days it seems to be a nice cool breeze. At the end of the day, if you both love eachother and want to work at making your household better, the days when you have to "work at it" the "work" is 100% worth it.

I've noticed many seem to be in marriages where one or both give up/fall out of love for eachother/harbor resentment, and yet stay in a marriage. I don't know why people do this, but it so much more miserable those situations.

first-time-mama · March 2011

I agree. And I also feel that people use "in love" way too much. I mean I love my husband more then anything I cant imagine life without him. We have our days we fight and days we get along. Like you said at the end of the day if both are willing to work on it thats what matters. If we just go with how we feel, feelings change and IMHO I think we rely on our feelings all the time. When marriage is work and WORTH the effort. I also think that if I went with my feelings I wouldnt be at work today lol

Mrs.Keith2B · March 2011

Well, my husband is having an affair and I filed for divorce last month. I'm happier than I've been in months. Honestly.

Geek_Girl · March 2011

First, its "regardless", not "irregardless".

Second, you get what you pay for regarding your partner. If you order a salad and end up with a bacon cheeseburger (yeah, I think I need breakfast, LOL) and ignored the fact that there is bacon, burger and melted cheese with bread, you can't just look at the lettuce and tomato and say "but look, its a salad".

I think people choose to ignore the red flags of douchiness because they're so desperate to have a spouse/start a family. Then one day they're like "holy crap, why does he keep doing x, y, and z?????" Um, he's been doing that/acting like that since before you met him - a couple of rings and a baby or two don't change their core character.

Examples of this are porn, masturbation, cheating, drug/alcohol problems or any other (to some) deal breakers. I think a lot of women tend to fall into the "but I can fiiiiix iiiiit" trap. Look, if your man likes porn, he likes porn. It baffles me how many women are shocked that even after they told her SO they don't like porn that they catch their SO watching it, or they go snooping for porn, trying to catch their SO in a lie. Seriously, as long as your sex life isn't suffering, who cares? Or a woman that thinks if she starves herself her man will stop cheating on her? These are all examples of "fix 'er uppers".

Don't marry someone you feel you have to "fix" and your list of problems goes way down.

first-time-mama · March 2011

Geek_Girl:
First, its "regardless", not "irregardless".
Second, you get what you pay for regarding your partner. If you order a salad and end up with a bacon cheeseburger (yeah, I think I need breakfast, LOL) and ignored the fact that there is bacon, burger and melted cheese with bread, you can't just look at the lettuce and tomato and say "but look, its a salad".
I think people choose to ignore the red flags of douchiness because they're so desperate to have a spouse/start a family. Then one day they're like "holy crap, why does he keep doing x, y, and z?????" Um, he's been doing that/acting like that since before you met him - a couple of rings and a baby or two don't change their core character.
Examples of this are porn, masturbation, cheating, drug/alcohol problems or any other (to some) deal breakers. I think a lot of women tend to fall into the "but I can fiiiiix iiiiit" trap. Look, if your man likes porn, he likes porn. It baffles me how many women are shocked that even after they told her SO they don't like porn that they catch their SO watching it, or they go snooping for porn, trying to catch their SO in a lie. Seriously, as long as your sex life isn't suffering, who cares? Or a woman that thinks if she starves herself her man will stop cheating on her? These are all examples of "fix 'er uppers".
Don't marry someone you feel you have to "fix" and your list of problems goes way down.

Ok I agree 110% with this.. When I posted my reply I meant my response to be for marriages that both partners are willing to work on it. And if there are red flags then dont get married in the first place. Also @pp if you Husband cheated and you got a divorce good for you. Too many ppl let their spouses run all over them.

nealbl · March 2011

There are times where DH and I email all day about something that we were arguing about. Sometimes the emailing works better for us. It gives us time to think before we write and really say everything that is needed to be said. Other times a conversation needs to be had face to face. However you can do it, communication is the key.

MrsC17 · March 2011

I'm not 100% sure what you're asking- but I *think* its that you want to know if anyone else notices that people who work at marriage are happier and those that don't aren't as happy? I think that's all pretty common sense, but I also think people stay in marriages for any variety of reasons. I think sometimes their situations make it difficult for them to leave, maybe they're husband or wife isn't a bad person and there is no outward huge conflict prompting them to leave, etc.

Here's my take on marriage-- it's true that it's work, but I think the notion that it's always going to be 50/50 is silly and unfair. There are definitely moments where he's more in it than me, and situations where I'm more in it than him, and I think it takes that other person to say "hey, you've been cold/distant/not communicating" to snap the other back into it. We've been together since we were 17 (going on 13 years now), so we've obviously had ups/downs/ins/outs.

I try not to judge other people's relationships because I know I've probably been there at some point in our relationship. We call college the four year argument. I had a friend tell me recently that she wouldn't have guessed (years later) that we'd be happily married with a baby having gone through that. Here's the thing, had we not gone through that, we likely wouldn't be here now...because of those really tough times, where we nearly threw in the towel every other day, we know we can make it through some more tough times. After having DD, it was a really tough adjustment (having been a twosome for 11 years), and when it got really tough, DH would just say "I know this is tough, but it's US, we can do this," and he was right. Maybe some of those miserable couples have hope that they won't be so miserable soon. Just my $.02.

Edited to say: I totally agree with the poster who said "In love" is thrown around too easily. I love my husband so incredibly much, he's my best friend, there are days where I still get blushy around him, but there's also days I wanna slap the crap out of him (figuritively, of course). I hate the term "in love"-it sounds so rom com to me, like if you're in love you just moon at each other all the time and never get angry.

Princess_Lily · March 2011

first-time-mama:
Geek_Girl:

First, its "regardless", not "irregardless".

Second, you get what you pay for regarding your partner. If you order a salad and end up with a bacon cheeseburger (yeah, I think I need breakfast, LOL) and ignored the fact that there is bacon, burger and melted cheese with bread, you can't just look at the lettuce and tomato and say "but look, its a salad".

I think people choose to ignore the red flags of douchiness because they're so desperate to have a spouse/start a family. Then one day they're like "holy crap, why does he keep doing x, y, and z?????" Um, he's been doing that/acting like that since before you met him - a couple of rings and a baby or two don't change their core character.

Examples of this are porn, masturbation, cheating, drug/alcohol problems or any other (to some) deal breakers. I think a lot of women tend to fall into the "but I can fiiiiix iiiiit" trap. Look, if your man likes porn, he likes porn. It baffles me how many women are shocked that even after they told her SO they don't like porn that they catch their SO watching it, or they go snooping for porn, trying to catch their SO in a lie. Seriously, as long as your sex life isn't suffering, who cares? Or a woman that thinks if she starves herself her man will stop cheating on her? These are all examples of "fix 'er uppers".

Don't marry someone you feel you have to "fix" and your list of problems goes way down.

Ok I agree 110% with this.. When I posted my reply I meant my response to be for marriages that both partners are willing to work on it. And if there are red flags then dont get married in the first place. Also @pp if you Husband cheated and you got a divorce good for you. Too many ppl let their spouses run all over them.

I was engaged, and almost walked down the aisle with a man that I found myself saying, "He'll change once he's married," as soon as I said this to myself the next week I broke it off. He had a roaming eye, and he never felt satisfied in our relationship. I think he cheated on me too, although he never admitted it all of the "signs" were there. After that, I took off a lot time from relationships with men, and for several years I made myself the priority. I focused on my career and my heart to find out what I truly needed in my life to make myself happy.

To the PP, I'm sorry your getting divorced, but I commend you! You will be much happier in your life, you deserve only the best.

jessNdean · March 2011

You should definitely have open communication in your marriage or relationship. It is what keeps it going. Yes the love can be there but with out communication its hard to keep it going. Of course I didn't figure this out until last year! I've been with Dh for 9 years and will be married 4 years this April. Last year was a rough year. We really weren't open to eachother. I didn't speak when things bothered me and neither did he. I felt like i had the whole world on my shoulders, being married, taking care of dd. Our finances, working from home, our sex life and daily chores with my house. I finally broke down last year and actually took a break from everything besides dd. I left for a week. I flew to NJ and stayed with my parents. I needed it. We needed it. After that dh and I have learned to communicate. I have been open with everything. (not sure if it may drive him crazy ??? since I speak about everything! ha) But it makes me feel better. I don't feel like its just me anymore. And now we have a wonderful marriage and an awesome family. I truly believe communication is a huge factor in a succesfull relationship/marriage.

seanandcallie · March 2011

We'll be married 4 years in Aug and together 7 years in May. Things have not always been easy, and yes, there were times it was more me than him, finally that has switched and he's realized I can't carry our relationship on my own.

9 months ago, I told him he was going to rehab or I was taking Ella Grace and leaving. He went in that day and lived away from us for six months. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I know it was the hardest thing he's ever done.Things are not always roses, and sometimes there is work that one or both need to do for a relationship to succeed. Yes, there are times that no matter what work is done, the relationship is toxic and needs to be ended. Being "in love" also doesn't mean that the relationship is a healthy one.

greengirl0909 · March 2011

Geek_Girl:

I think people choose to ignore the red flags of douchiness because they're so desperate to have a spouse/start a family. Then one day they're like "holy crap, why does he keep doing x, y, and z?????" Um, he's been doing that/acting like that since before you met him - a couple of rings and a baby or two don't change their core character.

Don't marry someone you feel you have to "fix" and your list of problems goes way down.

I think this is really true and really sad. I read somewhere that like 85% of divorces are initiated by women. I think they are in such a hurry to get married, then get married and realize they are unhappy, and finally get brave/sick enough to walk away. unfortunately, too often you can't tell them ahead of time.

essey1234 · March 2011

nealbl:
There are times where DH and I email all day about something that we were arguing about. Sometimes the emailing works better for us. It gives us time to think before we write and really say everything that is needed to be said. Other times a conversation needs to be had face to face. However you can do it, communication is the key.

We do this all the time, it's way better than sulking and getting angrier by the minute