Pregnancy after Adopting?

Raggedy1

DH & I have been TTC for 15 cycles, and even though we haven't done any IF interventions yet, I'm wondering if adoption isn't our next step instead. I'm drawn to the adoption sites and have been preliminarily educating myself on the process... DH and I have said that we feel in our hearts that it may be our calling to adopt. I have a few issues though... When do we start the process? I feel like if I give up on bio kids then I'm "giving up".  That's silly, I know.  Did anyone here adopt and then later have a bio? DH says he wouldn't want to give up trying regardless... says we want 3 kids, so it doesn't matter how we get them.  I had a bad experience growing up - I knew a family with 2 older adopted children and the youngest was a bio-surprise. The youngest was always favored and it had obvious emotional effects on the 2 older kids.  I think my husband and I are stronger and have much better hearts than THAT, but the memories of it scare me.  What if I ended up having a bio child after adopting, and since I feel strongly about nursing, would I be favoring that bio child by nursing?? I feel like even asking the question is betraying the adoptive kids we don't even have! Maybe it's too early to be worrying about this, I just don't know!

starbuck71

I don't have a biological child but I can tell you that it is not physically possible for me to love anyone more than I love my adopted baby boy, and he's only 6 weeks old.  I cannot imagine feeling any differently about him if I had delivered/nursed him and we had a biological connection.  I think that you will love all of your children entirely and completely.  But, again, I know it from the adoption angle.

Good luck.

Dr.Loretta

IMO you start the process when it feels right. Not anything concrete for you, but that's how it worked out for us. We even set a date where we'd start shifting our focus toward adoption vs IF treatments. FWIW, I never felt like it was giving up. I wanted to be a mom, and it came to a point where I just wanted to be a mom, and I didn't have to have a baby come out of me for that to happen.

As for loving your kids equally, it's perfectly normal to feel that way, and it's good to explore those feelings. Many people feel similar things about bio kids--they are so iin love with their first and can't imagine making room in their heart for additional kids. But once they get over that hump, they realize their hearts can expand to love more than one child.

There are people who successfully breastfeed adopted children, so that's always an option. And you've also gotten good advice already that things can happen, and you may not be able to nurse a bio child due to a variety of circumstances. There are many ways to bond with your child that don't involve nursing, and you could always focus on that with an adopted child.

It sounds like you're not quite ready to take the plunge yet, but keep thinking about it and educating yourself, and see if this is the route for you.

GL

AuburnBride06

starbuck71:

I don't have a biological child but I can tell you that it is not physically possible for me to love anyone more than I love my adopted baby boy, and he's only 6 weeks old.  I cannot imagine feeling any differently about him if I had delivered/nursed him and we had a biological connection.  I think that you will love all of your children entirely and completely.  But, again, I know it from the adoption angle.

Good luck.

I agree w/ all of this. My beautiful baby is 6 months old. I know for a fact I could not love him more. I think I love him more bc I did not birth him, bc of how miraculous our story is. Pregnancy means nothing but awful pain for me & I know that my precious boy is so, so much more than that. I hate when people equate it with "giving up", that's just not the case. The least of what makes someone a parent is biology. I say it all the time...if your goal, your true hearts desire, is to be a mom, then it does not matter how it happens.  I agree that you don't sound like you are quite ready, but definitely continue to explore & learn. IMO, to be ready, you have to truly let go of that mentality that it is "giving up". No where in your heart or head can adoption be second best. You have to really internatlize, in your heart & in your head, that success is being a mom. Period. I have mourned my infertility & the loss of experiencing a successful pregnancy. I have no desire to revisit that awful place again.

jehnm

We were a little further into the TTC process when we decided to pursue adoption, but not much.  Our focus was becoming parents, it still is.   The way we become parents doesn't matter, just that we do become them!  I would be thrilled if I turned up pregnant tomorrow, but I would be absolutely every bit as thrilled if we were called that a birth mother has chosen us.  We are homestudy approved, but our agency isn't doing many placements right now.  We have never completely closed the door on doing IVF and we may get to a point where that feels like the way to go.  I have a couple of close friends who adopted their first and gave birth to their second.  There is absolutely no difference in the way they feel about their children. 

There is a blog that I follow called waiting4littleone.blogspot.com of a family who adopted, then learned they were pregnant and now they are adopting again.  You will know when it's right.  I lurked here and talked to many adoptive families before I was ready to take the plunge!  I hope your family grows in one way or the other soon!

AdoptiveMommy

Raggedy1:

 What if I ended up having a bio child after adopting, and since I feel strongly about nursing, would I be favoring that bio child by nursing?? I feel like even asking the question is betraying the adoptive kids we don't even have! Maybe it's too early to be worrying about this, I just don't know!

I just wanted to let you know that It is VERY possible to nurse your adopted child! I did it:) It is also VERY IMPOSSIBLE to not love the child that is loving placed into your open heart & arms! Trust Me

Ashlene