Is it rude... — The Bump
Houston Babies

Is it rude...

I know that if you have to ask it probably is, but.....

would it be rude to indicate on the back of my daughter's birthday invitations to classmates "due to limited space, no siblings please"? Is there even a nice way to say that? I would do it discreetly on the back of the invite. 

It's just a bit uncomfortable because I don't really know a few of the parents from class BUT there are a few who have been known to bring younger siblings to other classmates' parties (even though they technically were NOT invited).

I normally wouldn't care, but the place we're having it has limited capacity, as does the transportation method I've arranged.

My other option would be to tell these people in person, but I feel that would be contrived as well, since I don't know them all that well.

I suppose I could JUST put it on the couple that I am worried might do it.....and leave it off the others. I mean, I think for MOST of us, it goes without saying, but that hasn't been the case with a couple of these families.

[IMG]http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c252/keltex23/NYCcollage.jpg[/IMG]

Re: Is it rude...

  • Well... here's my story:

    I attempted this one time.  Apparently, it was rude, because none of the family came and I know they weren't busy.  Our friendship never recovered.  She never told me she was offended, but it's quite obvious.

    In my case, it was in my 1175 sq ft house with our very large families and only 3 friends invited.  And it was 40 people on the list.  Yep, that's a lot of people in a very small space.  So I tried, and I regretted it.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • M&M, I can appreciate that perspective, but these people aren't friends of mine, so I'm not too worried about it affecting our relationship (since there isn't really one to begin with), so I'm willing to take that risk.

     

    [IMG]http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c252/keltex23/NYCcollage.jpg[/IMG]
  • Loading the player...
  • We have started getting invites like that from school.  It doesn't bother me, but we generally won't go unless DH is home to keep the sibling or vice versa.  I cannot see paying for a sitter and paying for a birthday gift to go to a party for a classmate.  Plus, at this age, Joseph would flip his lid if I left him with a sitter and not Avery.

    However, I don't think it is rude to put it on there.   

    image image
    Pics by Fleurish Imagery
  • Some might think it is, but I don't. 

    I think it's rude to bring another child to a birthday party that he/she wasn't invited to AND you weren't close to the people hosting. 

    But if you want another suggestion in wording, can you do it indirectly?  Like it's urgent to RSVP before (DATE) due to limited accomodation/availbility/space.   

    Lisa. mommy to Emmy and Ally image
  • image LisaK2b:

    Some might think it is, but I don't. 

    I think it's rude to bring another child to a birthday party that he/she wasn't invited to AND you weren't close to the people hosting.  

    this

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I think it's totally fine!  I wouldn't expect to be able to take another child to a party...though I would take an infant with me. 
  • I think with the age K is (and her classmates), the parties are getting more age specific and the parents of a 5 year old should understand that bringing a 1 or 2 year old to a bowling party or ice skating, movie party or whatever is kind of ridiculous. I don't think it is rude, but I do think you should put it on all of the invites, not just the parents who are "known" to do this. 

     

    image Oh Joy to the World!!
  • We've only gotten one invitation that stated Please, No Siblings.  I wasn't offended by it.  I don't think it would be rude to put it on an invitation using the wording you described.

    It's funny that you brought this issue up because it's been on my mind recently.  The older my children are, the more confusing this is.  I think many people don't know how to read an invitation, but there are just as many people who don't know how to address invitations. 

    For example, if my child comes home from school with an invitation that says "Sarah Martin" on the envelope, I certainly won't be taking her 3yo sister to the party.  However, the last few times this happened the party hostess moms all asked me why I hadn't brought Elizabeth!  What's up with that? I would never say, "you didn't invite her, her name wasn't on the invitation."  It's not really awkward, but more a feeling of regret that I hadn't brought Elizabeth.  She would have loved to go to the party, and I would have brought her if I'd known that siblings were included.

    image

  • I don't see anything terribly wrong with it; It answers the question that is always on people's mind. That would be fine with me.

    Once I figured things out, I started writing "Siblings Welcome" on my invitations to be sure the parents know to bring them; nothing wrong with the opposite in my book.

    ** I confess, I sometimes bring Sean when Jeff will be there too. It is less of an infraction in my book when: a) given permission, b) party is at a park or other public place, c) other circumstances that say it is ok. 

    ** When in doubt, I'll ask. I have no pride; schedules are difficult for all parents. The weekends are especially so. People who specify help me when I swallow my pride to ask.

    Personally, I'm not terribly bothered by people bringing the crew. While I would never argue with someone finding it rude, I am honestly not bothered by the whole thing. I know people with 2+ really appreciate them being included, but most understand why they can't be.

  • image CallMeKel:

    I know that if you have to ask it probably is, but.....

    would it be rude to indicate on the back of my daughter's birthday invitations to classmates "due to limited space, no siblings please"? Is there even a nice way to say that? I would do it discreetly on the back of the invite. 

    It's just a bit uncomfortable because I don't really know a few of the parents from class BUT there are a few who have been known to bring younger siblings to other classmates' parties (even though they technically were NOT invited).

    I normally wouldn't care, but the place we're having it has limited capacity, as does the transportation method I've arranged.

    My other option would be to tell these people in person, but I feel that would be contrived as well, since I don't know them all that well.

    I suppose I could JUST put it on the couple that I am worried might do it.....and leave it off the others. I mean, I think for MOST of us, it goes without saying, but that hasn't been the case with a couple of these families.

    I wouldn't think it is rude (mind you mine is only 9 months and we haven't started parties yet). 

    Could you word it "Due to limited space at ABC Location and transportation requirements, please no siblings"

    I also agree put it on every invitation because if Jane and Sarah talk to each other and they both have other children and Jane says "CallmeKel said no kids on her invitation" and Sarah says "that isn't on mine??" -- it could get awkward. 

  • Thanks for the opinions everyone. I decided not to put it on any, as the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it's really only 2 people in her class and I will communicate it to them via e-mail IF they RSVP yes.

    The reason I was only going to put it on SOME invites and not others is because in a couple of cases, the younger sibling IS still invited, as they are friends with my daughter outside of school.

    I think in this case, it's just best to work out on an individual basis with those couple of parents IF they end up responding yes.

    [IMG]http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c252/keltex23/NYCcollage.jpg[/IMG]
  • This is a pet peeve of mine. If both kids' names aren't on the invite, then the sibs are not invited. Let me know if you want to hear about the mom who brought FOUR extra kids to Joe's 2nd bday at WonderWild.......
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • image LisaK2b:

    Some might think it is, but I don't. 

    I think it's rude to bring another child to a birthday party that he/she wasn't invited to AND you weren't close to the people hosting.

    Totally this. I have been in many a situation where I haven't brought my other (4) children to a birthday party of one of my children's friends.  The parents seemed surprised, but happy, and one even asked why I didn't bring the others. My reply? "They weren't on the invite".

    I am old school, you invite whom is on the invitation, not everyone. Just like if I got an invitation from my gf to go out one night, I would assume she meant ME unless my dh was on there too. 

  • I don't think it's any more rude than to bring other children to participate in a party where they weren't invited. 

    I didn't specify for Abbie's 3rd birthday and this one lady who I did not know brought her older daughter as well.  It was a princess dress up party at my Mom's house and she had the older girl dress up and participate in all of the things the younger girls were doing, which annoyed me.  Then, at the end of the party, the Mom came to me and said there weren't enough goodie bags for her older daughter to have one.  I said, oh I'm sorry, I only made enough for the kids who were invited, let me see what I can put together for her.  So, I made her one with the leftover stuff and then she said well her's doesn't have a kazoo like the other ones.  I just stared at her for a second and then walked off.  SO rude!

    For that reason I put a separate slip of paper in the invites for her 4th birthday saying, "I am sorry, but do to space restrictions we only have enough room for those children listed on the invitations, please no siblings!"  That way I was still able to invite the siblings of some, I just put Sarah and little sister, etc. on those invites.

    Abbie Rose 9.26.2004
    Collin Thayne 10.11.2010
    image
  • I was witness to something like this rescently.

    the party was at a cupcake shop, only 10 seats, one mom brought her 4 kids, and the 3 that were not invited threw a hissy fit and pretty much disrupted and almost ruined this little girls party.

    the party place charged per child, and the mom had only bought the 10 gift packs, so the mom with the 3 extra threw a fit because there weren't enough gift bags for her kids who attended. (who does this at a 4 year olds party in front of all the moms and kids?)

    I was shocked this woman (who is a very intelligent person, or so I thought) could be so stupid.  One mom even offered to drive the invited little girl home so mom could take the 3 other kids home to stop the distraction of them pitching fits because they couldn't decorate cupcakes or cookies with the rest of them. obnoxious mom declined of course.

    oh it was awful.  cemented my decision to go to the park, have more than enough food and cupcakes and just leave it at that.

     Kelly, I think you are wise to know that this is a potential for extra kids, because some people, even though you think they are smart enough to understand, just aren't.

    good luck.

    big sister, little brother
    image
    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickersbr> Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • ok mamas! teach me the rules then. I went to two parties last weekend and one this weekend. Now, my kids are 3 and 1 and 2 out of 3 are for friends of mine who just put "the m family" on the invitation. but one was my son's friend from day care. My DH works 24 on and 48 off and a second job of 24 hours once a week. So, my luck, all 3 parties he's worked. I bring DD with me of course, and never imagined it'd be considered rude.

     SO what I'm reading is, if it was just DS's friend, find a babysitter for DD? At this age, she didn't play with anything, and just stuck to me like glue. We didn't eat food at any of the parties and only had cake at 1 (so far) but that one slice of cake fed all 3 of us.

    This blows my mind.

     Now, for calmekel's party (since she always throws neato parties at cool places) i'd get it, but as a general rule, like at a house or something, I guess I just don't get it.

    Maybe it's just me.

    image
  • image ginanddavid:

    ok mamas! teach me the rules then. I went to two parties last weekend and one this weekend. Now, my kids are 3 and 1 and 2 out of 3 are for friends of mine who just put "the m family" on the invitation. but one was my son's friend from day care. My DH works 24 on and 48 off and a second job of 24 hours once a week. So, my luck, all 3 parties he's worked. I bring DD with me of course, and never imagined it'd be considered rude.

     SO what I'm reading is, if it was just DS's friend, find a babysitter for DD? At this age, she didn't play with anything, and just stuck to me like glue. We didn't eat food at any of the parties and only had cake at 1 (so far) but that one slice of cake fed all 3 of us.

    This blows my mind.

     Now, for calmekel's party (since she always throws neato parties at cool places) i'd get it, but as a general rule, like at a house or something, I guess I just don't get it.

    Maybe it's just me.

    I don't think it applies if the sibling is a baby, or if you will be there and watch them separately and they won't be participating.  It's more for the older kids, and if there are activities involved and/or it's at a location where there will be specific seating or limited food available. If they are young enough to not know what's going on, IMO, it's fine.  You just don't want a sibling there that doesn't know why they can't decorate xyz or eat xyz when everyone else is, then both the host and the parents have to deal with it.

  • image CareBear01:
    image ginanddavid:

    ok mamas! teach me the rules then. I went to two parties last weekend and one this weekend. Now, my kids are 3 and 1 and 2 out of 3 are for friends of mine who just put "the m family" on the invitation. but one was my son's friend from day care. My DH works 24 on and 48 off and a second job of 24 hours once a week. So, my luck, all 3 parties he's worked. I bring DD with me of course, and never imagined it'd be considered rude.

     SO what I'm reading is, if it was just DS's friend, find a babysitter for DD? At this age, she didn't play with anything, and just stuck to me like glue. We didn't eat food at any of the parties and only had cake at 1 (so far) but that one slice of cake fed all 3 of us.

    This blows my mind.

     Now, for calmekel's party (since she always throws neato parties at cool places) i'd get it, but as a general rule, like at a house or something, I guess I just don't get it.

    Maybe it's just me.

    I don't think it applies if the sibling is a baby, or if you will be there and watch them separately and they won't be participating.  It's more for the older kids, and if there are activities involved and/or it's at a location where there will be specific seating or limited food available. If they are young enough to not know what's going on, IMO, it's fine.  You just don't want a sibling there that doesn't know why they can't decorate xyz or eat xyz when everyone else is, then both the host and the parents have to deal with it.

    Yes, I obviously won't have a problem with someone bringing a baby to a party, or a toddler who is not participating.  But to bring an older child or a child who wants to do what the kids at the party are doing then IMO it's rude.  It's a child's birthday party, not a carnival.

    Abbie Rose 9.26.2004
    Collin Thayne 10.11.2010
    image
  • image ayersfam20:
    image CareBear01:
    image ginanddavid:

    ok mamas! teach me the rules then. I went to two parties last weekend and one this weekend. Now, my kids are 3 and 1 and 2 out of 3 are for friends of mine who just put "the m family" on the invitation. but one was my son's friend from day care. My DH works 24 on and 48 off and a second job of 24 hours once a week. So, my luck, all 3 parties he's worked. I bring DD with me of course, and never imagined it'd be considered rude.

     SO what I'm reading is, if it was just DS's friend, find a babysitter for DD? At this age, she didn't play with anything, and just stuck to me like glue. We didn't eat food at any of the parties and only had cake at 1 (so far) but that one slice of cake fed all 3 of us.

    This blows my mind.

     Now, for calmekel's party (since she always throws neato parties at cool places) i'd get it, but as a general rule, like at a house or something, I guess I just don't get it.

    Maybe it's just me.

    I don't think it applies if the sibling is a baby, or if you will be there and watch them separately and they won't be participating.  It's more for the older kids, and if there are activities involved and/or it's at a location where there will be specific seating or limited food available. If they are young enough to not know what's going on, IMO, it's fine.  You just don't want a sibling there that doesn't know why they can't decorate xyz or eat xyz when everyone else is, then both the host and the parents have to deal with it.

    Yes, I obviously won't have a problem with someone bringing a baby to a party, or a toddler who is not participating.  But to bring an older child or a child who wants to do what the kids at the party are doing then IMO it's rude.  It's a child's birthday party, not a carnival.

     

    I think if the baby is still immobile (ie not crawling or walking) then its perfectly fine to bring them. But, if they are able to run around, get into things, eat the food or cake, participate in the activities......then they should not be included unless the invitation says so. To me, it doesn't matter if it is at a house, a jumpy place, or a park....if they are not invited, they're not invited. If it says "the M family" then they're obviously included.

     

    I will say that when a mom RSVPs that they cannot attend because they have no sitter for the second child, I always tell them to bring the second child. I just HATE that it is assumed that all children are welcome.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • I agree, if the invite is for the M family, it means all are welcome.  but if you bring your 7 year old daughter, and your 5 year old son to a party that your 3-4 year old daughter was invited to....I don't think that's appropriate. and most certainly not appropriate for those children to assume there is a gift bag for them. 

    but it also depends on the relationship you have with the party thrower.

    big sister, little brother
    image
    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickersbr> Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • I don't think it is any more or less rude than putting "no children" on a wedding invite.

    Some people may get offended, but those are the type who think it's ok for you to feed and entertain all of their kids at a birthday party.  That's not how it works.  I guess you could put something like "due to limited space, please RSVP" and then tell them in person when they ask if they can bring little sister?

  • image MrsMGR:
    This is a pet peeve of mine. If both kids' names aren't on the invite, then the sibs are not invited. Let me know if you want to hear about the mom who brought FOUR extra kids to Joe's 2nd bday at WonderWild.......

    I would like to hear about this! #email

    Kel - I personally wouldn't be offended at all, but I also understand how to read an invitation and know who is invited! I think you made the best decision on how to handle it without getting all the other moms gossiping about you. = )

    Related...my shower was at the Junior League, there was lots of time to RSVP. My sister didn't RSVP until like two days before, which was after the deadline. Then she brought her one year old. I was Embarrassed and apologizing to the hostesses left and right because, well, you know me! I couldn't believe she did that, any of it. We had a (family member) sitter here for her little boy. Fortunately he was an angel as far as I could tell but sheesh!!!!! Then afterwards she started getting huffy with me about the shower lasting three hours and needing to get him home and down for a nap. I calmly told her that that's just how long my shower lasted and today is all about me, sorry, so they could go wait at my house. Gosh, I'm a biotch!!

  • image LisaK2b:

    Some might think it is, but I don't. 

    I think it's rude to bring another child to a birthday party that he/she wasn't invited to AND you weren't close to the people hosting.   

    yep, this.

  • image G-love:

    I agree, if the invite is for the M family, it means all are welcome.  but if you bring your 7 year old daughter, and your 5 year old son to a party that your 3-4 year old daughter was invited to....I don't think that's appropriate. and most certainly not appropriate for those children to assume there is a gift bag for them. 

    but it also depends on the relationship you have with the party thrower.

    This actually happened at a birthday party I took Emmy to at a bouncy place.  but the older kids were like 8 and 12.  And they also bought another friend of the 12 year old.  They were upset that they couldn't jump with the 4 yos because the bday girl's mom told them they couldn't since there's little kids that could get hurt by them.  And then it kind of upset me because Emmy was sad that when it came to going into the room and having cake/juice, she had to sit in the corner chair and didn't get to be around her school friends because these 3 other big kids took the seat at the table.  But I didn't know anyone so I didn't really care or say anything, just upset to see Emmy sad because she felt left out.   

    Lisa. mommy to Emmy and Ally image
  • for dolts like me, just spell it out & avoid any party drama.  I'm still getting used to the idea of kids birthday parties as big events, so I would rather have it just spelled out for me than risk offending the hostess.

  • image melissa0312:
    image LisaK2b:

    Some might think it is, but I don't. 

    I think it's rude to bring another child to a birthday party that he/she wasn't invited to AND you weren't close to the people hosting.  

    this

    same here

  • I would spell it out if you are worried about it. Another Mom and I talked about this at school. I generally send the invite to the kid in one of my girls class and when they RSVP if I know of a sibling then I will invite them then.

    We have this happening a lot right now because many of the kids in Reagan's class have a little sibling who is in Abby's class. Reagan just received an invite for a little boy that I do not know too well and had we been available to attend then only Reagan would have gone. On the flip side we received an invite from a little girl in Abby's class today and the mom included Reagan's name on the invite as well. When you have to pay per kid it starts to get tricky.

    image
    Crazy Christmas Kids!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • More then anything the people that dont' RSVP are the ones that drive me crazy. This is especially the case at school and I've had to send reminders before.
    image
    Crazy Christmas Kids!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image melissa0312:
    image LisaK2b:

    Some might think it is, but I don't. 

    I think it's rude to bring another child to a birthday party that he/she wasn't invited to AND you weren't close to the people hosting.  

    this

    Ditto
    image
  • image MrsMGR:

    I think if the baby is still immobile (ie not crawling or walking) then its perfectly fine to bring them. But, if they are able to run around, get into things, eat the food or cake, participate in the activities......then they should not be included unless the invitation says so. To me, it doesn't matter if it is at a house, a jumpy place, or a park....if they are not invited, they're not invited. If it says "the M family" then they're obviously included.

    I will say that when a mom RSVPs that they cannot attend because they have no sitter for the second child, I always tell them to bring the second child. I just HATE that it is assumed that all children are welcome.

    This! I have absolutely no problem with an infant in an infant carrier, but once the child is mobile they ARE inevitably going to get into things/attempt to participate.

    And of course, if someone who I really wanted to attend wasn't going to be able to come because they didn't have a sitter for the sibling, then I would likely make an exception....but I agree with MGR that people should never assume it's OK to just bring a tagalong sibling. Especially considering that many places charge per child (mine is $25 per child), so bringing along a sibling isn't just no big deal, it's also sometimes a cost factor--perhaps significant. And it's of course extremely awkward to the hostess to NOT give a goodie bag to the tagalong, as well. It's just uncomfortable all around.

    I did once have a parent want to bring an older sibling and they offered to pay a separate admission fee for that sibling so it wouldn't have an effect on my party's numbers....but of course I politely declined the $. I think that was respectful.

    Basically, I think the best rules of thumb are:

    #1- Assume nothing (as hostess, don't assume people will *get it* when you put only 1 child's name on the invite?not everyone knows proper etiquette rules)

    #2-Be abundantly clear on invitations (as hostess, it's best to be clear upfront or be prepared for confusion/awkward moments on the day of the party). To go along with this, if you are requesting NO SIBLINGS, then prepare yourself for the fact that some people may NOT come because of that.

    #3- When in doubt, ASK (as the parent with multiple children, if you're not sure if you can bring both kids, clarify this with the hostess in advance)

    #4- RSVP on time if you are an attendee. This can oftentimes catch any awkward sibling situations in advance of the day.

     

    [IMG]http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c252/keltex23/NYCcollage.jpg[/IMG]
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards