Dear AF,
I would appreciate it if you did not arrive today. For one, that would mean you were actually on time for once and that hasn't happened in 20 years. For another reason, I do not have black pants on today or in my car, and especially for the fact that I am very much hoping for a BFP. Please pains, please be m/s pains and not cramps. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Me