What do you say to LO?

CowboysWife04

Yesterday when we were on the way back home after he'd dropped the girls off, DD1 was looking very tired.  I smiled back at her and said 'you had a big weekend, huh!' .  She just looked at me with the saddest face and said 'yeah, but I just don't know why daddy is grouchy at us all the time...I just don't know.' 

Even though I felt like I'd been punched in the gut, I told her that even when he's grouchy that he still loves her.  She said 'I know, he's probably just tired'.  It's pretty sad she is already making excuses for him just like I used to do.

What do you say to your LO if they say something like that?

My first instinct is to not let him see them until he gets back on his meds, but obviously I know it's not the answer.

Starbuck5

Personally I'd ask LO if she can tell you what her dad was grouchy about. That way you can see if his frustration was towards her or something else.

Regardless of what she says, I'd reiterate that his grouchiness has nothing to do with her. Then I would have a private conversation with the father.

He should be just as bothered, if not more, by your LO saying that about him.

And if your gut is telling you not to have the children around until he gets back on his meds, then you need to listen.

They are at a more sensitive age now to where this stuff will truly upset them. 

 

r9stedt

Starbuck5:

Personally I'd ask LO if she can tell you what her dad was grouchy about. That way you can see if his frustration was towards her or something else.

Regardless of what she says, I'd reiterate that his grouchiness has nothing to do with her. Then I would have a private conversation with the father.

He should be just as bothered, if not more, by your LO saying that about him.

And if your gut is telling you not to have the children around until he gets back on his meds, then you need to listen.

They are at a more sensitive age now to where this stuff will truly upset them. 

 

This.   Also, I am sure that L tells his dad that I am grouchy at him, because, well I am sometimes.  I'm exhausted.  

kirbear

My xh is grouchy all the time and has a very flat affect towards dd so I know how you feel! Dd has mentioned this many times, and it gets to me.  I agree with pp about making sure she knows it has nothing to do with her.

Also, my dd's therapist always says to validate dd's feelings.  So, you would say "it seems like it makes you sad that your dad was a grouch, I am sorry that you are feeling sad". "When someone is a grouch to me, it makes me feel sad too" type thing.  Or if she can articulate her feelings you can say "how does that make you feel?"  She says that you don't want to minimize what your dd is feeling about the situation.  Also, she has me say things to make dd feel better about the situation and herself- like if she asks why dad doesn't want to see her- to answer with something like "I'm not sure why anyone wouldn't want to see you- I love to spend time with you" type of thing.  So again she doesn't take it personally from her dad.  

In the beginning I just wanted to make her hurt go away so my gut was to make an excuse to make her feel better, or to smooth things over quickly so this wouldn't ruin her day type thing.  It was difficult to change my thought process and talk openly with dd about her feelings about things but once I did- I feel like it has really helped dd. I have seen a lot of nice changes in her and her acceptance of the whole situation.  And my dd is almost 5 and it's scary how much she "gets" things and how accurate her perceptions are!

Good luck, and know that it gets easier....