Ugh! ILs just irk me (vent)

IEtoLA

MIL never makes any effort to visit or see DD and my FIL at least tries to be involved by calling and seeing how everything is, but whenever we invite him over he declines.  They are divorced.  DH and I invited his parents, sister and grandmother to breakfast yesterday to share the news that we are expecting LO#2. They live 80 miles away and we drove out there just to do this.  Well yesterday FIL had the nerve to tell us that while he knows that we are busy, he would like to see DD more often and that we needed to make more of an effort.  WTH?!?!  We actually drive out there at least every 2 weeks to see whoever is available. We also invite them over so they can spend time with her and they 90% of the time decline because they are too busy or don't have money.  I got fed up after FIL made this comment and told DH that if they want to see her then they need to make the effort as well.  On top of that we are always trying to entice them with dinner or breakfast just to get them here or meet up even halfway, but we don't even have the money to do this.  I'm just tired of trying to do the right thing by making things harder for us in order for them to see DD, when they should be making an effort too.   End vent.

essey1234

Sounds like my family. I had several BIG talks with my mom about this issue. what did you say to FIL? did you tell them with #2 that they have to make the effort as well?

IEtoLA

essey1234:

Sounds like my family. I had several BIG talks with my mom about this issue. what did you say to FIL? did you tell them with #2 that they have to make the effort as well?

I try not to say too much with DH's family, but I am getting to that point where I am starting.  DH did not say a word and just ignored it, which upsets me more.  If it were my family DH would have no problem saying anything to them, nor would I, but DH feels that because FIL is making somewhat of an effort, he's letting the comment go.  Eventually he needs to say something though.  I actaully had a talk with MIL a year ago about her seeing DD and nothing has changed.  There were other issues there, but she obviously doesn't care to change anything because she is continuing the same path.  We don't even talk.

vmm0016

I would just let it go.  They are the ones losing out. 

essey1234

if DH doesn't speak up. then i would think that you are in a losing battle. I would keep inviting them and for now go. As you get closer to having #2, explain that it is that much harder and ask them to come. Hopefully they understand and if not then DH has to have the conversation.

Don't fight a losing battle, just know that you do as much as possible. in the meantime it will irk you.( just like my parents)

my confession: my parents NEVER come here and now have been away for a while. When they come back from their vacation they will see how close and easy it is with my in-laws and my LO. Hopefully they will get irritated or jealous and start making the effort.

avbliss

My parents who only live 45min away are constantly complaining that they don't see DD enough. My mom has allergies and we have 2 dogs so after the first year of coming by twice a month to our house, she has pretty much said shes only coming over for special occasions since the dogs bother her allergies too much (yet she wont see a DR about getting them under control, and it's not just the dogs, but seasonal allergies as well). We go to their house once a month which was my compromise to get them to stop badgering me.

But I know the grandparents are a force to be reckoned with! I think they believe because they are older that we have to bend over backwards to accommodate them, and part of that I'm sure is because that's what their parents did when they were little. You are completely right, and if FIL wants to spend more time with DD then he has to put in equal efforts! You're doing all you can to give them access to DD.

Printergirl

So the only way they see you is if you buy them a meal in their town? Oh I'd be done with that. And as far as DH not saying anything 'bc he made an effort this time' I'd be having a come to Jesus talk with him.

You go there every other weekend to visit and that's not enough? BS! We are in a similar spot with ILs...live 2 hours away and visit almost monthly, more in the summer. It's like pulling teeth to get them to visit us once or twice a year for special occasions. I've been sick of it for a long time and DH has started to be sick of it (but won't say anything to them).

After a particular incident I called MIL out on it (as even when we visit our hometown she won't drive the 4 miles to see us, we have to come to her). It was ugly but at least I was truthful. She still doesn't make the effort but I've decided that since I've pointed it out to her how hurtful it is and she won't change it's not on me anymore. I gave her 1 year of countless trips to her home, I'm done with dragging my kid to see grandparents every month who can't go 4 miles for him so we don't have to drive around the county after driving 2 hours. While it's not a great way to be DH did see the light after that and is supportive of 'making them come to us' while we still make DS available to them and visit often, though less frequently than before.

vernab

My family and IL's live 2 hours away.  My parents will come down every now and then to see DS and will pick him up and take him to their house for the weekend.  MIL expects me to drive DS all the way up there so she can have him for the weekend. We do go up there but have been trying to cut down on visits b/c gas, and with the pregnancy, and packing everything, it's just a big hassle.  Everytime she calls she whines that we never come up and she hasn't seen DS in so long.  If it was that important to her, she'd make more of an effort.  Drives me nuts too.