Im devistated, and don't know what to do.

Princess_Lily

Last night DH and I were talking, and he said to me casually, due to many factors such as financial concerns and with the instability of the economy, he would be content being "one and done."  He used to say how he always wanted 3 children, etc., however after DS was born, his thoughts on more children changed.

I was devistated to say the least.  I  havent felt so heartbroken in years.  I explained while I understand it, Im devistated because at some point in the future (not right now) I always wanted more children, 2 total.  He said, "well my feelings could always change," to me, thats giving me false hope, hope in something that I need to realize may never happen.  I was open and honest, as he was with me.

I wanted to run away, I felt such pain and still do.  I needed to talk to you ladies, because IDK who else I could speak to about this with disgretion.  Am I overreacting?  Does anyone else have this situation?

I want more children one day, due to many reasons...but just because someone wants something, doesnt mean they deserve it.  Im so grateful for having my beautiful boy, some people struggle and never conceieve one.  I just dont know what to do with this news. 

jersangl

My Dh and I feel this way right now actually. It is overwhelming the financial part of having a child. Our goal is to pay off as much debt as we can in the next couple years then maybe we will reconsider having another then.

kcisthebombdotcom

If you want more children, but finances will not allow you to have more, you can always do things to make your financial situation better so another child would not be as much as a struggle. If you don't own, relocate somewhere where the COL is cheaper. If you own, you can always try to sell if you can, and if you can't you can use your house as a rental property and live somewhere cheaper. You could live more frugally-no dinners out, no cell phones, cable, etc.

I know you don't want a child now, but when it reaches the point that you do, I would sit down with DH and come up with a budget so he can see that you can financially afford another.

vernab

I can totally understand why you're upset.  While your husband has a good point, you had both talked about having more than one child, and that is what you've planned on.  Your H could feel differently later on, you sounded like you weren't interested in getting pregnant again right now anyway, so maybe revisit the idea in another year or so, when you at least are feeling more ready and see how he feels.  It's good that you both were honest about your feelings and at least brought them both to the table.  It didn't sound like he said he for sure didn't want anymore children.  Hopefully the economy will turn around, and as your LO grows, your H will decide he'd like to have at least one more.  GL!!

Novem06

DH says this too...usually when DS is sick and we are trying to juggle work or when bills come in. It really bothers me too. It's like you both agree on something previously (like 2 kids) and then someone pulls out? When he does that I just give it a rest for a bit. I'm sorry:(

Geek_Girl

First, stop taking it so personally.  Its not like your H is saying "holy crap, I had no idea you'd be such a terrible mother and there is no way in hell I'm having another child with you".

You also need to realize that while your want for more children (needs vs. wants) is emotional one, your H is looking at things from a logical/numbers side of things.  Having children is expensive and IIRC, you're a SAHM.  This means the entire financial burden is on your H's shoulders (this is not a slam or anything like that, it just is what it is).  And your H is right, the economy sucks and sucks hard right now and its not expected to turn around for quite some time.  What happens if something happens?  What do you guys have in the way of an emergency fund?  Perhaps getting 6 months worth of expenses saved up would help your H's perspective.  But if you're living from paycheck to paycheck and are barely setting anything aside for retirement, I can certainly see his point.

Yes, it may sting a little bit right now because its not how you envisioned your life but do you know ANYONE who's life turned out exactly how they planned with no major speedbumps in the road?  I would advise you and your H sitting down and having a real heart-to-heart talk about finances so you both can get on the same page and perhaps he can explain what his vision for your family's future is and you guys can work out some sort of compromise.

I will say, though, that none of us here are psychic and the only one who can work through this with you is your H.

MrsC17

My DH always said he wanted 2 (I always said in theory I want 3, but I'll take it one child at a time since I have no clue what each child will bring), but when DD was born, things changed.  He had a really tough time accepting the changes that having a child brought, and the newborn phase really shook him (he thinks he had some Daddy PPD).  Once he came out of the fog (around the time she was 3 months old), he fell madly in love with her.  After going through the rollercoaster  (and falling so in love with DD), he felt like he couldn't love another baby as much as DD.  He insisted for a year that he felt he could be one and done.  I felt so sad about it, and anxious to boot!  I love DD intensely, and didn't feel like I needed another one that minute, but I wanted the possibility of another baby eventually.  I nagged him about it (which did nothing but annoy him), and talked to him about it until I was blue in the face.  Then I decided to let it go because in all honesty, I wasn't ready for another baby any time soon anyway, so we could revisit the topic when I felt ready to plan for another. 

Then, about 2 months ago, DH and I were invited to a friend's wedding in Mexico at the end of this year (around the time DD turns 2)...and he mentioned this as the time we'd start planning #2.  I was elated (and relieved!).  Just give your DH a little bit of time.  In the mean time, do what you can to help alleviate his financial concerns (save, pay down debt, etc), and maybe revisit the topic in a few months. Good luck!!

Coxity

What a tough place to be, but it'll be ok. I am sure that he was communicating to you that he was worried and maybe a bit tired, but he left the door wide open to talk more in the future. That's a good thing!

Perhaps it would help to sit down and have a financial meeting. You could talk specifically about where you stand and where you'd ultimately like to be. That way, you could both have a better sense of what would have to happen in order to afford a second child. 

Having a conversation about finances that is non-specific rarely goes well in our house. We discovered early on that the more specific we could be about how our finances are going, the better our conversations about dreams and life go. We sat down and developed a spreadsheet that had every little thing on it so that we could know exactly where we stand.

Now, we don't go so far as to track individual receipts, but we do track assets, debt, savings, the credit card balance and retirement. That way, we know how much we are spending each month and we can target specific ways (and amounts) to save. We can also look back and say "wow, look how far we've come in two months/a year/two years/ten years."