I need advice...

nikkimouse323

My mother is mad at me.  She called me earlier and asked if I was going to let her be in the delivery room.  I said no.  She started putting a guilt trip on me (my sister had to have C-sections). 

I just really don't want her in there.  My mother is a very negative person. When I got married, she said she hoped I wouldn't get pregnant (she doesn't like my husband). When I told her I want to have the baby naturally, she said I can't do it.

I am bound and determined to have this baby naturally. I certainly don't want her in the room with me nagging me to get an epidural and I know that is exactly what she will do. 

 Am I being selfish?  Should I just suck it up and let her be there? 

shanna82

Absolutely not!  This is your delivery and your baby.  You should have in the room who you want and that is all.  Stand your ground--don't let her push you around.

kathymarie

nikkimouse323:

 Am I being selfish?  Should I just suck it up and let her be there? 

Hell-to-the-no. You're feeling how you're feeling. Your mother is the one being selfish. She has no right to put this guilt on you. This is your baby, not hers. Just be clear and consistent, and she'll get it eventually. 

My mother is doing the same thing. She has 4 more months to understand the words coming out of my mouth! 

krissywags

NO WAY! My mom is good at guilt trips and I have just recently learned how to not give in... she hasn't said anything about being in the room during birth and I have a feeling that she isn't going to say anything unless I bring it up.  DH doesn't want anyone else in the room with us but I have yet to decide what I am wanting to do. 

If you absolutely do not want your mom to be in the room with you, then I say don't do it.  This decision is for you and DH and this is your child, not your mom's. Be strong and if you really need to find someone to blame it on you could use DH (although she may not like him even more) or talk to your dr and use her/him as your excuse. 

nikkimouse323

See, that is another thing.  My husband and I tried for almost 2 years for this baby.  I want to be able to spend those first few moments after the birth with my husband and our baby.  I know my mother and she will be all up in our business wanting to hold the baby right then.

cicenhow

The birth of your baby and the moments after should be just the three of you. After you get settled in and cleaned up then maybe if you want the company, you could invite her in.  Don't let your mom pull a guilt trip on you and stand up to her.  You and your husband have been under enough stress (taking 2 years to concieve) and you don't need someone negative in your room.  About the natural thing: More power to ya to try to go natural, I want to too but if it gets too much just remember that there are meds to make you more comfortable.  It was miserable watching my sister in labor with my niece, she made it to 7cm (almost too late) and couldn't stand it anymore, nothing was progressing and she got the epidural. 

bellethebride

Don't feel guilty.  This is for you and your hubby.  If your mom isn't a positive person, this will only make things harder on you when you need everyone in your corner.   

If you really feel bad and want a fall guy,ask your doc if it's ok to say that the hospital/doctor prefers only one other person in the room. 

losmitty

Despite the tension it may cause now- I absolutely think you need to stick to your guns on this one. I had a natural birth. And becasue I was/am just as determined as you, it was along process. I wouldn't trade it for anything, but yes it was very difficult at times (as most labors/deliveries are...) The ver LAST thing you need is anyone or anything that will cause you stress, tension or frustration in the delivery room. My MIL is a nurse and I think she expected to be in the delivery room. She (and my SIL) flat out told me I was being stupid for even wanting to go med-free and told me I probably wouldn't go through with it. They were not welcomed into the delivery room at all. I didn't see them until DD and I were moved into the recovery room. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Good luck.

NativeFloridian

Just like PPs have said - no, no, no, no, no!  Your delivery should be your own, and a time when you are with those who will support you most.  If your mom isn't going to do that, she damn sure shouldn't be in the delivery room.  Keep it between you and your hubby.  After all, you two created this life, and you two should be able to share in this little one's birth with no negativity and no rude interruptions.  Your mom is the one being selfish.

ally2011

I think it is nice that you are concerned, but no, she should not be there.  Especially given the fact that you want to go natural and she is not supportive of that.  Letting her in there is a sure-fire way for that plan to fail....read Ina May's Guide to Childbirth on the importance of positive words and people being around the mother.

I want to go natural too and it will just be me, hubby, doula and as few hospital people as possible.  I know my mom would love to be there given the chance, but I just believe birth is an experience to be shared by husband and wife.  It makes it a little harder having a doula (I am sure she is thinking "I could do that"), but they serve a specific purpose and have no emotional attachment to the situation....and are being paid....so not the same.

You can just tell her that it is something your husband and you decided will be just between the two of you, or you can be honest and tell her that her negative attitude toward natural birth is a problem for her to actually be there.  Tell her all the research says you need positive people around you and she has demonstrated that she can't do that.  And even if she changes, I wouldn't risk it....plus, as already said, I think it is best for just wife and husband to be there anyway.

Good luck!

ally2011

cicenhow:

The birth of your baby and the moments after should be just the three of you. After you get settled in and cleaned up then maybe if you want the company, you could invite her in.  Don't let your mom pull a guilt trip on you and stand up to her.  You and your husband have been under enough stress (taking 2 years to concieve) and you don't need someone negative in your room.  About the natural thing: More power to ya to try to go natural, I want to too but if it gets too much just remember that there are meds to make you more comfortable.  It was miserable watching my sister in labor with my niece, she made it to 7cm (almost too late) and couldn't stand it anymore, nothing was progressing and she got the epidural. 

In the Ina May book I am reading she talks about labor stalling and natural ways to get it going again....sometimes women can freeze up if there is a negative presence (even a doctor) or some other fear/issue.  It is wild the different ways she talks about getting it going again naturally.  She also talks about the roles that fear and pain expectation play in the process.

My friend who gave birth naturally last fall says the most important thing is the preparation and staying surrounded by natural people.  You CAN do it - good luck!

NewMomma2011

We haven't crossed this bridge yet, but I know that my mother is going to pull this exact same thing. I DO NOT want my mother in the delivery room with us. It would only make me and DH uncomfortable and I don't want unneccessary stress. My mother is actually upset with me right now because I didn't invite her to our next ultrasound appointment (in which we are hoping to find out the sex). I just feel like these are things that hubby and I need to experience privately. I don't mean to exclude her, but really. Just stand up to her and don't let her make you feel guilty. I know how hard it is, but she'll figure it out and when your LO is here, she will forget all about it.

Treasa

Never let anyone who you don't feel comfortable with in the room for your labor or delivery.  Your mom, I'm sure, did her labors & births her way, with no interference from anyone else!  It's very unfair of her to put this kind of pressure on you when you are a grown woman with your own preferences & needs! 

My MIL will do her best to try to get in but it won't be happening!  She lives about 5 mins from the hospital & will be there in a heartbeat as soon as she hears I am barely dilated.  So we are not telling her anything!  As soon as baby is born & I have had a chance to relax & bond with him/her a little, then we will call her!

d6u23e11

Heck no! I don't want anyone in the room but DH & I don't even really want anyone at the hospital. I'm pretty sure I've offended my in-laws, (I only have one SIL and my MIL was in the delivery room I believe for the births of both of her babies) because they live right by us. My family all lives at least 3 hours away, so I may call my mom when I check into the hospital so she can figure out when she is heading down, but I really just want time with DH and our first baby before everyone else is suffocating me. I want to get to know our little guy before everyone else wants to pass him around. I usually try to please everyone, but this is the one time I'm putting my foot down and being selfish. And trust me, they will all get over it.

Annabelle81

nikkimouse323:

See, that is another thing.  My husband and I tried for almost 2 years for this baby.  I want to be able to spend those first few moments after the birth with my husband and our baby.  I know my mother and she will be all up in our business wanting to hold the baby right then.

Those first moments with my husband and son were the best moments of the whole labor and delivery experience for me. Stick to your guns. My mom was upset about it too, she got over it! She hasn't even asked this time. They had their own deliveries their way, this one is yours.

lookingformommyland

If there's one time in your life when it's okay to be selfish I think this is the time. This experience is about you and DH . . . no one else. If you don't want her there, then she can't be there. Hold your ground and your mom will have to get over it!

water-fairy

No, she has to suck it up. I don't care what my mom wants, I love her but I wouldn't have her in the delivery room even if she begged me. I will only have DH there.

Tell your mom NO and if she wants to hold a grudge then so be it. 

katekirschner

Don't call her till baby is out then

sassy1

I find it amazing that anyone would assume they should be in another person's delivery room, no matter what their relationship to the mom-to-be is.  It's a personal decision, you get to make it & you should stand your ground.

My mom is a very positive person, & I still only want DH in there with me!  It's a private moment, becoming a family.

bunny1114

I don't think you are being selfish at all.  This is your baby and it is most important that YOU feel comfortable with your delivery plan.

I have not yet mad the decision if I want more than my DH in the delivery room, but if I do ask someone, it will be my mom.  Right now I am almost 20 weeks and I think I want mom there, but...still unsure if it will be too much for me to handle (meaning too many people in the room). 

I'm going to wait until I get to 32-36 weeks before deciding.  As I get closer to delivery, my feelings may change...not sure if I want or need mom there, or not!