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Single Parents
Help me forgive...
Some of you may remember my backstory. My baby's father left me about 2 months ago after he made a trip to his home town. On this same trip he met a girl who he claimed to be a "friend". They exchanged numbers that night. I flipped cause I knew better than this being a friend. But he broke up with me so I had no say in anything he did. I started to grow very upset with him and always mad at him, making smart remarks and comments. I then found that he made the 5 hour trip to see this "friend" one weekend and the very next she made the 5 hour trip up here to see him.
He claimed he couldnt see himself with me at the moment. We didnt have to be together just because of a baby. etc etc..... He is right but I think she was the underlying reason that he up and left. All of my friends are right it wasnt technically cheating but it was wrong and disrespectful for him to do. We were not together long before I got pregnant so I understand he could have been scared and he could have been trying to prove something. But this was when I thought I needed him the most and he knew that.
Now that we have not been speaking much and he has gotten his "time" he comes back and wants to work things out with me. He wants his "family" back. He claims that everything happened so quickly that he was scared and didnt know what to do. But he claims that he has slept with this girl and hasnt talked to her since. (Exactly friends my a$$) I think he saw me moving on and realized I was going to move on despite carrying his child so he thinks he needs to work it out. The thing is I am pretty sure I cannot forget that he left me to ultimatley "screw around". I want to know why and all those type things but he says that those things do not need to be discussed because they are not important. He thinks that we should try again and has apologized many times. After only a few days hes already back to the guy I first met and treating me like he use to, like nothing ever happened. But I still find myself so angry at him for what he's done. Until I forgive him I don't think I can be "me".
I am thankful he is being so nice to me at the moment because its made my pregnancy a little bit easier. I wish I could forget all of these things and make things work but I honestly think they will always be in the back of my mind and I can't see myself with that forever. So I ask you ladies who have helped me in the past, how do I learn to forgive him for doing this to me so we can have a civil relationship for the baby?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Help me forgive...
time and space for your feelings and pride to heal
The separation only lasted 2 months, but with a baby that was 2 months too long in my book and hes only been trying to get me back a few days. I am also jaded and think the same thing about her and him not working so hes come back to me. I don't think I can trust him again but I also feel like I need to fully forgive him before I can be 100% happy. I know a few ladies on here have gone through infidelity type situations and might know how to deal with this type thing.
Yes. What will happen when things get tough again? Does he always just get a pass to sleep around? Move on and up!
Sorry but I don't like this advice. My parents are divorced (divorced when I was 1 yr old) and guess what? You don't get to move on. You created another person together and now you are tied together forever (as you raise the child, graduations, your child's wedding, your child's first child and EVERY holiday forever). The more bitterness in your heart, the harder your life will be when you have to engage with your child's father and you will always, not matter how old your child gets. I saw this with my own parents for YEARS. Also, your child will have to live with your bitterness as well - to think that you will never share it with your child is naive. Even today at 27 yrs old, I still have to deal with this stuff with my divorced parents - celebrating every holiday twice - once with each of them, and getting emotional guilt trips from my Mom about how I should always prioritize her because she never remarried and my Dad did.
I really applaud the question about how to move on from the anger. I know my Dad saw a therapist for years to help him get over his own anger - my Mom did not and notably my Dad did remarry and has been happy for years. I don't have magic solutions and as others wrote, I think it will take time, That said I really do think you are right to want to do this - for yourself and for your child.
Good luck!
Are you wanting to give him another chance as far as your relationship, or just for the sake of co-parenting?
I have finally forgiven XH for what he has done and it felt great. But I didn't rush the process. I have gone to counseling and almost two years has passed since we separated. One day I just realized that I simply don't care anymore about all that he has done, and am grateful that we were married because otherwise I wouldn't have P.
You can't rush the process, give yourself a break.
I would love to be able to give him another chance but I don't think I can. If he hadn't immediatley hooked up with another girl after he broke up with me then I possibly could. But I feel like he wanted to have "one last fling" before the baby. My mother has told me numerous times I should try and make it work but just don't know how. So forgiving him is what I need to do I want to forgive him so I can peacefully co-parent. I want to forgive him so I can be at peace and not have negative thoughts the rest of my pregnancy and first years of our childs life. My obgyn has given me a recomendation for a counselor that I am looking into visiting.
you can't force forgiveness, it will come with time, after it's earned. the one thing that you can and have to do is learn in the mean time how you two are going to co-parent together, because like it or not, like the other poster said, you now have a child together, so will always be bound in that way. I would definitely recommend counseling for if nothing else to give you an impartial person to bounce ideas off. I went through a somewhat similar situation, the only advice I can say is take it slow, take your time, be careful and follow your heart. But in my experience people don't change. It did allow me to fully close that door with my XH, which i am grateful for, but it hurt like hell to do it.
Good luck!