So frustrated...

JMay

Sorry to do this but I have to unload. 

My DH has been pretty inconsistent with his support through the last few months.  The more we talk of medical intervention, the more hesitant he becomes - and because he is not dealing with his feelings, his "hesitation" turns to anger.  He brings things up out of the blue so he has an outlet - a fight with me.  I know it has to do with his discomfort, but there's no telling him that.  The thing is, he doesn't want another child enough to pursue treatment.  He's fine with 1, even though when we got married we talked of 4.  He tells me he's been "so understanding" through the last 2 years of TTC, but really, I think he just felt safe - I think he believed nothing I was doing would work.  I think he's freaking out now because he's afraid medical treatment WILL work...

Finally on CD1 today, and I'm supposed to call for CD3 monitoring.  I told him, and you'd think I'd never told him about it before.  He FLIPPED out - said his back is against the wall and he feels by taking meds, I'm "forcing my body to do something it dosen't want to do"    Weren't the herbs and acupuncture etc doing the same thing???  If I got cancer, would you tell me to avoid chemo because my body doesn't want to get rid of the cancer on its own??? 

So he asked me not to call.  This morning.  On his way out the door.  And all I can think is WTF???  How dare you pull this on me!  After all we've been through, all the discussions.  Was your support a lie?  I'm so hurt by this.  I'm so angry that he's not willing to do everything in his power to make sure we get the family we set out to have.  He's so afraid.  Because I love him, I want to do what I can to help him and validate his feelings, BUT in this case, doing so will pretty much screw this cycle.  And who's to say he won't freak out again next cycle?

I'm just at a loss.  The future of our family is in God's hands, but the fearful hands of my DH are making a power grab...

tosh24

While I was reading the first paragraph, I was wondering if we were married to the same man

The stress of IF is all consuming. Having to deal with it without the support of DH is pretty near crushing. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I know that feeling of anger and sadness that makes you just want to fall down and cry yet break stuff at the same time.

Could your DH be pulling so hard in the other direction b/c he doesn't want to be swallowed up by IF? I had a huge blowout with DH this cycle and cancelled my RE appointment for the next cycle. I also called my sister and told her to come over and get any baby stuff she wanted from my basement b/c I was throwing the rest out. DH heard this and had a freak out. When I asked him why he even cared, that I thought he'd be happy to get off the baby train since he was "so happy" with just one anyway, he finally opened up. He said he's been playing tug-o-war with me because he feels like our whole life is just about baby-making. Everything I do - what I eat, my vitamins, my acupuncture, my Chinese Herbs, my charting, my doctor appointments, fertility meds, when we have sex - is just to have another baby. He said he feels lost in it all and he feels like he's also lost his happy wife and had her replaced with a stress-out and irritable one. To an extent, I agree with him and I guess I never looked at it that way. I think I can continue doing all of those things, but maybe be a little bit better about not making it front-and-centre in all aspects of my life. So, he finally confessed that he does want another, but not if things are going to continue being the way they are. He's (reeeeaaaallly slowly) opening up to more advanced treatment, but the minute he is pushed too far too soon, he closes up and wants to stop.

If your DH's freak-outs-turn-pledge-of-support happen over and over again, maybe he's just like my DH? Deep down, he wants to TTC but is uncomfortable and scared which in turn leads to tantrums and changes of mind (which then in turn hurt us). I don't know....I guess this has just been my experience with my DH.

I can't give you my opinion on what you should do, but I can tell you what I would do given my situation and knowing my DH. I would call and make the appointment anyway and just not say anything right away. I would do this because I know that after a few days when DH has calmed down and changed his mind back to being supportive, he would be glad that we didn't waste a cycle over an argument. I don't know what treatment you've had scheduled for this cycle (if any), but if you don't want to not tell DH, can you just tell him that you would like to go in so that the doctor can see what's going on, but that you don't have to make any decisions on the cycle just yet? That way, you'd have the monitoring, he'd have a chance to calm down, you'd both have a chance to talk about it, and if you decide to proceed with the cycle, you can because you've had the proper baseline monitoring? If not, no harm done except for an extra date with the dildo cam?

I hope you are able to come to a resolution soon. It's so hard being at war with DH. Especially when it's something that you want so badly and it feels like he doesn't understand. {{{HUGS}}}

(And an apology that this is so disgustingly long.....)

 

JMay

Tosh, thank you so much for your reply - and it's not too long, it's perfect.  I think we are indeed married to the same man. (Ruh-ro!)

I struggle with how much to say to him, because of this reaction.  He says he wants every detail, then retains next-to-no information. I write stuff down so I can refer back to it, but when forced to deal with the facts, he heads into his tail-spin.  I "should" be able to tell him everything, but I feel like the only way to manage his mental stability is to do as much as I can "under the radar".  Keep in mind, my DH is a very stable, realistic, logic-driven guy, so these reactions are a dichotomy from his normal personality.  I don't want to trick my husband, and that's how it feels when I don't tell him everything.  At the same time, it seems my reality is that I don't have a DH who can handle everything, in spite of his belief to the contrary.  He feels like his back is against the wall, and I feel like mine is.

The "date with a dildo-cam" made me laugh - ohhh, baby!  LOL  Thanks again, as always, good to know I'm not the only one.  (P.S. We've had the EXACT same exchange regarding baby stuff...grr)

choirgirl

You guys, Tosh stole my line about wondering if Jenna was married to my husband...so we are all in this boat?

We are just about done with our only IUI cycle I've talked him into.  The only hope I have is that last week when we were walking to dinner, I mentioned how I was really upset that this was our last shot and he didn't understand why, and I said it was because he'd only agreed to one IUI, and he said, that wasn't it, but that instead he just wanted this all to be over.

He is scared of the work, as we know all too well exactly what a 2 year old is like.  He keeps saying this seemed like such a better idea when he was 18 months old.  Yes it did, jerk, but you made me wait until he was 2 and I was 41 before I could even drag you to the RE. I'm so angry about that. I mean, that's a completely wasted 6 months. 

He's also worried financially, childcare is not cheap, neither is school.  Neither are 4 plane tickets for a family that loves to travel.

I could just cry.  Tosh, you are right about how hard this is anyway, but how crushingly hard it is when your spouse just doesn't get it, or is in a completely happy place with one kid.  He just thinks I should be able to turn a switch and make it so that I am in that same happy place. But I'm not. I'm.just.freaking.not.

I'm so sorry that you are both going through the same thing I am.  I wish some sort of lightening bolt would strike all three of the boys, and even if their minds don't change, that they could better understand ours.

Suck.

 

kellyjg123

Sending love to you ladies.  I have to share my experience.  My husband (soon to be 42) was not for the IF treatment either.  I don't know what it is with guys but the medical intervention just seems so huge to them.

We had several heart to hearts about it all and really trying to hear what was going on inside each others hearts was profound.  Finally the biggest kicker for us was my convincing him to come to the RE appointment to discuss our situation and possible plan. 

He was very hesitant but once he heard what our doctor thought and how our doctor thought it was important we move beyond clomid, he realized we needed intervention and then he became much more supportive.  I think hearing it directly from the doc was pivotal for him, it made it real.

Maybe you two need to both sit down and talk from your hearts.  If you come at it from a supportive and loving angle then maybe he will be more willing to open up.  I'm sorry I don't have any valuable advice I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and hope that talking through it all can make a difference in you relationship.

RyansMTCowGirl

((HUGS))  As if IF in and of itself isn't hard enough, it sucks that we also get to deal with all the stress that it puts on other parts of our lives, especially our marriages.  Sometimes I just think it is the difference in the way women and men process things.  I know for me, at least, I have always seen my life a certain way, and trying to refocus my way of thinking to something different is so hard.  My DH is way more live and let live, it isn't because he doesn't want another child, it's just that he can see life beyond our current situation. 

Just know that we are here for you and you can vent anytime.  I am so happy that I found this board and you supportive ladies. 

tosh24

JMay:

I struggle with how much to say to him, because of this reaction.  He says he wants every detail, then retains next-to-no information. I write stuff down so I can refer back to it, but when forced to deal with the facts, he heads into his tail-spin.  I "should" be able to tell him everything, but I feel like the only way to manage his mental stability is to do as much as I can "under the radar".  Keep in mind, my DH is a very stable, realistic, logic-driven guy, so these reactions are a dichotomy from his normal personality.  I don't want to trick my husband, and that's how it feels when I don't tell him everything.  At the same time, it seems my reality is that I don't have a DH who can handle everything, in spite of his belief to the contrary.  He feels like his back is against the wall, and I feel like mine is.

You summed up my struggle perfectly. Last time DH and I had this discussion I told him that our stress-coping abilities were like a 10-foot vertical pole. His breaking point is at the 5 foot mark and mine is at the 10 foot mark. This pretty much means that when DH gets stressed out and breaks down, I'm always there to provide some support because I'm still going strong. BUT, when I finally reach my breaking point, I don't have him to lean on because his limit was reached way before mine and he's already gone off the deep end.

I don't want to "trick" my DH either, but I feel like he just can't handle the stress of it all and it's easier to let him be a little bit oblivious to all the goings-on (not oblivious to the treatments as he comes with me to all my RE appointments....it's more the constant monitoring and the rollercoaster of emotions that I try to shield him from). I love the heart-to-hearts that we have and I feel that we make really great progress when we have them, I just hate that a blow-up has to happen before we get to that point.

I feel like I've been pooping on my DH all day....I could spend all day writing a list of all the things that are so great about him, it's just that handling stress isn't one of them. I'm sure it's the same for your DH too

Hey, do you have all the love and support from your DH that you put away in reserve the other week? Maybe it's time to break some of that out!

JMay

It seems many of us are married to the same man!  And there I go, getting feel-good vibes from you ladies again. 

Choirgirl, ditto on the money issues - DH is a finance guy so that's always a big issue for him.  No matter how "comfortable" we are, he always worries.  Me, on the other hand - not so worried. 

 Kelly and Cowgirl, thank you so much for the support!  I have asked him to come with me many times, but so far, he'd rather play ostrich (head in the sand).  Maybe he'll change his mind soon - I don't know if it would help, but it really couldn't hurt!

Tosh, you made me laugh again (you keep doing that!) - I DO have my reserves!!!  I'll be pulling them out tonight when we have our (6th? 12th? 15th?) heart to heart.  Right now, I feel there isn't much to say - I've said it all so many times before.  Hopefully that feeling will help me listen more tonight, and that may be just what he needs.

I will say, for as frustrated as I am, I wouldn't feel this way if I didn't love DH.  I know what a great father he is, and how much he loves me, and I know I wouldn't be here after so many years if there weren't a long, long list of positives.  Like I tell him all the time, "no matter what, I always love you".

LADIES

JMay

choirgirl:

You guys, Tosh stole my line about wondering if Jenna was married to my husband...so we are all in this boat?

We are just about done with our only IUI cycle I've talked him into.  The only hope I have is that last week when we were walking to dinner, I mentioned how I was really upset that this was our last shot and he didn't understand why, and I said it was because he'd only agreed to one IUI, and he said, that wasn't it, but that instead he just wanted this all to be over.

He is scared of the work, as we know all too well exactly what a 2 year old is like.  He keeps saying this seemed like such a better idea when he was 18 months old.  Yes it did, jerk, but you made me wait until he was 2 and I was 41 before I could even drag you to the RE. I'm so angry about that. I mean, that's a completely wasted 6 months. 

He's also worried financially, childcare is not cheap, neither is school.  Neither are 4 plane tickets for a family that loves to travel.

I could just cry.  Tosh, you are right about how hard this is anyway, but how crushingly hard it is when your spouse just doesn't get it, or is in a completely happy place with one kid.  He just thinks I should be able to turn a switch and make it so that I am in that same happy place. But I'm not. I'm.just.freaking.not.

I'm so sorry that you are both going through the same thing I am.  I wish some sort of lightening bolt would strike all three of the boys, and even if their minds don't change, that they could better understand ours.

Suck.

I know you've been having a tough time.  And like you, I'm not ok with being done either. Sometimes it feels like, "what's the point in travelling or doing anything we're supposed to do as a family, if we don't have everyone here?"  I understand your DHs point about how much work it is, but at the same time, the work is short lived.  He'll only be 2 once.  Isn't the long-term goal worth the short term sacrifice?

I'm sort of continuing my argument with DH through my response to you.  DH worries about the same things yours does, plus add that he doesn't want to live through 2 years of interrupted sleep, and he doesn't want certian activities to be "off-limits" due to pregnancy or breastfeeding or just not being in the mood.  To which I respond "you want to stop creating our family because sleep and sex are more important to you??????"

Maybe this all ties into Cowgirls ideas of the way we see things.  I can't see life beyond this.  I feel sometimes that I will be a depressed shell of a human being who will resent her husband forever if I don't have another child.  Then I feel like a brat for thinking of the self-induced tantrum I'd like to have if I "don't get my way".  But really, it IS how I feel.  DH, because he can see life beyond this, should apply that theory to "getting through" the hard parts, so there can be more smiling faces around the Thanksgiving turkey in 20 years.  I'd rather save up for college educations and lose sleep because it's worth it.  If I'd wanted a different life, I would have made different choices.  Heck, if I'm just going to have 1 child, then I can go back to work and have a career.  But, wait - that's not what I chose.  So, I surrender to being a mom and a wife and a SAHM.  So, in my mind, we should surrender to doing what we need to do to create that family.  YKWIM?  Sigh.

HUGS Choirgirl.  I know we'll all get through this.  Thank goodness for all of the supportive ladies on here.

pharmacygirl

I know how you feel. My DH never really even wanted kids so to get him on board for #3 is huge. I finally talked him into his SA. Im hoping he won't back out at the last minute. He keeps telling me that God must not want us to have more kids and why can't I be happy with the 2 we have. I realize now how blessed I am even getting my two boys fairly easily. But I don't feel my family is complete. We agreed before we got married that 3 kids would be ok. Even though he would have been fine with no kids. I was adamant about 3. So Im sure I have an uphill battle for this. But Im hoping it will all be worth it. Hang in there and keep your eyes on the prize.

JMay

Pharmacygirl - wow, you went from "none" to two, possibly a third?  Girl, I'd love to have an ounce of your power of persuasion!!!  (Any tips???)