(XP from 3-6) I hate my life.

torii

*I answered a question from 3-6, and decided to finally take the plunge and reach out to this board. If some of it doesn't make sense, it's bc I basically copied/pasted from there... I don't have it in me to write another post.*

I anticipated getting PPD when I was pregnant for a few reasons but mostly bc I have bad anxiety and have horrible mood swings. Since having her, the mood swings are getting progressively worse and I cry every day, sometimes ( ahh fvck who am I kidding.. most of the time) resulting in bawling. Like to the point DH can hear me in the living room when I'm in the shower three rooms away. My DH is wonderful, but the poor guy can do nothing right in my eyes. In fact, nobody can do anything right except me. 

I hate work now when I used to LOVE it. I'm a teacher, and we don't go into this profession for the money. My students are  getting shorted bc my heart isn't there anymore.I'm terrified of the day I break down in the middle of teaching. Today was almost that day. It was awful.

I resent everything and everyone bc I can't stay at home. Myself for not knowing I would hate working so we could have planned better, DH for not making enough money, his boss for lying to him about getting the big raise in Jan., my parents for not doing enough for my college education, and the list goes on. These resentments are prob irrational but I can't see that.

I am SO happy when it's just me and Addie that I couldn't (still can't really...) accept that I'm probably suffering from PPD. The word "depression" has such a horrible stigma and I am really struggling accepting that I might have it. I tell myself I can't possibly be depressed bc when I'm with Addie, I'm fine. I'm SO happy! It's going to work that makes me sad. But I think it's more than that...

 Anyway, I spoke with my OB last Monday but I was scared to tell him everything. I'm such a private person that even my DH doesn't know everything. I hate looking weak, so that's another reason I haven't spoken out. My dr wants me to speak to a counselor, but it's an hour away, and I'm on the fence about it. I need to call and ask for another rec, but I'm scared bc it means I have to talk about the dreaded "d" word again with a nurse. 

When I was driving/crying to work this morning I thought of how I could explain to others how I felt. This is what I came up with:

My soul, my everything feels as if it has been shattered. I used to be so happy, so positive, and so excited about life. I feel like my soul, my happiness, was in a glass vial that somebody stomped on and shattered. Even if I had help gluing all the pieces of the vial back together, my soul still escaped and is lost. I can't get it back, but perhaps I could put my shell back together to fake it.

bflyfish

Please, please make yourself seek out some type of treatment.  As someone who has dealt with the "D" word historically, I can relate to everything you said.  And let me tell you this - it's just a word, and it's a word that has more power when untreated.  Once you are feeling better, you can keep it in its proper perspective rather than feeling the word defines you - this is just part of the way it manipulates your mind and feelings when things ARE bad.  For me, when I put it into words, I feel like "I have become fragile, whereas I used to be strong.  Any little word or action can break me, and do so several times a day.  I don't know where the strong-minded person went, because I question everything and feel like I can't trust what's going on in my mind and my gut as real.  This isn't me.  This is the sickness/disease/whatever you want to call it.  But as long as it's around, I have no way of holding onto the person I know is under this cloud somewhere."

These feelings have always cleared for me with medication, but it was a long and difficult route to considering thsi type of treatment - I was very against it.  But I did not want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this, like I was surviving days versus really living them.  I do not want my daughter to look into my eyes and read that something is wrong. 

So even though it seems like there is a huge mountain in front of you and that you might never get you back, trust that you can.  And please please please just take the first step.

jbrannin

bflyfish...said it perfectly!! You really will feel better if you can just talk to someone who can help you put your feelings into perspective. I too was very upset and blamed it on everyone else. Same as you, resentful I had to go to work and I never thought I wanted to be a SAHM but now I do and cant cause of poor financial planning, Feel like I gave my pts minimal care and just stared at the clock until I got to leave, Resentful to husband because dont make enough money, resentful toward parents who have money and dont offer to help, resentful toward friends who get to SAH...many of them whos in laws/parents help them, ....I knew rationally that this is my problem and noone elses but would feel such resentment and anger when around family and friends cause I couldnt do what they were doing. Talking with a counselor was so great for me! I hope you will choose to make the hr drive. It makes me feel so much better and helps put a unbiased 3rd party perspective. It is a common feeling, but not something you want to live with day to day. Feel free to message me if you have any questions or other concerns.

Unknown

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Mrs. K in TX

torii:

I hate work now when I used to LOVE it. I'm a teacher, and we don't go into this profession for the money. My students are  getting shorted bc my heart isn't there anymore.I'm terrified of the day I break down in the middle of teaching. Today was almost that day. It was awful.

I resent everything and everyone bc I can't stay at home. Myself for not knowing I would hate working so we could have planned better, DH for not making enough money... my parents for not doing enough for my college education, and the list goes on. These resentments are prob irrational but I can't see that.

I am SO happy when it's just me and Addie that I couldn't (still can't really...) accept that I'm probably suffering from PPD. The word "depression" has such a horrible stigma and I am really struggling accepting that I might have it. I tell myself I can't possibly be depressed bc when I'm with Addie, I'm fine. I'm SO happy! It's going to work that makes me sad. But I think it's more than that...

I could have written these parts myself. I stayed home today to catch up on grading and planning, and all I've done is cried about how I feel. I'm not sure what to do about it.