Toddlers Hitting

HulaLove

Elyse has started hitting.  She does it when something isn't going her way or she's upset at one of us. 

What are you guys doing when you're little ones hit? 

mrspresley

ah the joys of toddlerhood

so far all we're doing it saying "no" firmly, followed by "no hitting" and then we try to distract her w/something else

Married2MrWright

We're there too...and some biting as well (so far, only me...when we're nursing...but she's done it deliberately twice now!)...

If she's having a meltdown or tantrum we just try to calm her down. Usually a hug works. And calm words. Typically, these only happen if she's overtired or hungry, so we do our best to meet those needs and avoid these tantrums. Sometimes, like when it's time to go in the carseat, the highchair, stroller or her crib she gets upset and throws her head back. And sometimes she ends up knocking it hard and then cries. It's so pitiful. But it's how she reacts. "I don't want to..." = throw head straight back. I am at a loss as to how to help change this. Right now she has little bruises in various places on her face and head from doing this and it look awful. 

I've recently read about offering toddlers and kids "transition time" and it's something we're working to incorporate. It's as if, overnight, she's gone from being a baby to a toddler and with that has come our need to adjust how we do things. For example, now I ask her, "are you ready for you bath?" or say, "let's get ready for your bath" whereas before I'd just start the bath and undress her. But it seems she does much better now if we communicate ahead of time what is going to happen. Same with the carseat or stroller. Now we start the conversation about going for a ride or walk and say, "let's go bye-bye" as we get her shoes and jacket on...then we start talking about her being in her stroller or carseat. It seems to go more smoothly when she's been informed ahead of time what is going to happen next.

With hitting it generally happens when she's frustrated or bored with something and gets a little rough physically. When she hits we down on her level, hold her hands s and look her in the eye and say calmly, "Hitting hurts. We don't hit." If she actually makes contact with us when she hits we'll say, "Ouch! You hurt me! I don't like to be hit." We always make sure to make eye contact when we say these things and to use a calm voice. We don't say "no" though. We really want to reserve "no" for the most dangerous/important situations. We figure if she hears "no" all day long it lose it's power. So we find other ways to phrase things. That said, lately she'll say "no, no, no" when she's doing something she shouldn't...like hitting the dog. She's telling on herself, I guess.

If she's frustrated we'll ask her if she wants help and help her. Or, we remove her from the situation. Today, she slapped J in the face, not with malice, she was patting his face at first and got a little too excited. So he winced and said, "Ouch, that hurt." And then he stroked her face and said, "Gentle touches, please." She got it. She actually said "sorry." We've been working on "please, excuse me, thank you, sorry" since she turned one. I got her a set of books that are about each and she loves them. It's so cute when she says, "Cues meeee" with a sheepish grin. "Sorry" and "thank you" just started the past few days so I was surprised when she said it this morning. We also just got her a book about patting pets gently because she can get rough with them and there's already been an improvement.

One thing that helps me is to remember that while she's only moderately verbal she understands WAY more than she can say. So when we talk to her, she's "getting it." Mainly, we've been working really hard to be consistent and to do our best to avoid letting her get overtired or hungry, since that's when the negative behavior seems to really come out.

Whew that was long! I was going to write my own post today about hitting so I guess it was on my mind when I saw yours!

I saw this book and plan to order one for Libby, since she LOVES books. I figure we can read this to her when she does hit us (and other times, if she wants) and maybe it'll be another way for her to "get it."

Here's what Dr. Sear's recommends:

https://www.parenting.com/article/ask-dr-sears-toddlers-hitting-parents

I also found this article very helpful:

https://ahaparenting.com/CustomContentRetrieve.aspx?ID=778413 

We're just embarking on "positive discipline" techniques which are WAY different than the way we were raised...I have found the Positive Parenting Yahoo! Group to be helpful as well as Positive Discipline forums for parents of children age 0-3 also helpful: https://positivediscipline.ning.com/

vanilla15

oh man I am not looking forward to those joys of toddlerhood. 

Thanks for the resources, Lori.  I have bookmarked this thread for when the need arises in our house!

inamra

LO slaps his hands on us for fun but I don't like him doing it because it's the same action as hitting. He also bites me when nursing sometimes and will try to bite our hands/arms for fun, which I will also stop him from doing.

I say "noooo" very firmly and sometimes leave the room (he hates being left alone) if he doesn't get it. For the slapping, I also will stop and hold his hands mid-hit as I'm saying it. For nursing, I pull away (sometimes I say OW! first but that's just an inherent response). Actually most of it is just my facial expression. If I look very serious and upset, it's actually "enough" to make him pout and be on the verge of crying. Sometimes I also pretend cry, which gets him really worried (maybe feel bad too? if he does, it's pretty short-lived...haha) and he'll stop what he was doing and do what I wanted him to do if I redirect him to something else (aka nurse nicely w/o biting) =P

mrspresley

Married2MrWright:

When she hits we down on her level, hold her hands s and look her in the eye and say calmly, "Hitting hurts. We don't hit." If she actually makes contact with us when she hits we'll say, "Ouch! You hurt me! I don't like to be hit." We always make sure to make eye contact when we say these things and to use a calm voice. We don't say "no" though. We really want to reserve "no" for the most dangerous/important situations. We figure if she hears "no" all day long it lose it's power. So we find other ways to phrase things. That said, lately she'll say "no, no, no" when she's doing something she shouldn't...like hitting the dog. She's telling on herself, I guess.

thanks for these tips - I, too, have wanted to reserve "no" for really serious situations and although I do consider hitting to be really bad, I do agree that something like a hot stove would be a much more appropriate situation in which you'd want to use the word "no!"....  I will try saying "don't" more now instead of no.... although it's hard to break yourself of that habit b/c you're so used to just saying no (at least for me it is)