NICU+Twin Guilt=Crap

devinjonesrn

We've been able to kangaroo the kiddos every day for an hour plus since they were probably 3 maybe 4 days old.  My husband had been off work, as we just moved to TX, but he started his training class on Wednesday, so instead of each of us kangarooing a twin at the same time, I'll be on my own for kangarooing both of them each day around the babies' feeding schedule, the nurses schedule and my pumping schedule.

I had worked out a routine, that would work with pumping, then kangarooing during feedings.  It worked beautifully yesterday!  

Today, it did not.  I ended up not getting to hold DD, and it has been tearing me apart.  Not only does having babies in the NICU suck, but add a little twin guilt on top and voila, I'm a mess.  

DS has been really thriving.  He has been off of his cannula for a week, started wearing clothes the day before yesterday and has been regulating his temp beautifully, and today we tried a little practice at the breast.  He latched on and suckled a bit, then would look around and then suckle some more.  It was very cute.

DD, is still having de-sats (they think reflux, as it ALWAYS happens with feeds) not ready for clothes and certainly not ready to try "nipple-ing" as they called it.  I hate that she is still having a little breathing trouble and it is hard having one baby progressing faster than the other.  

I suppose this is why I feel so guilty.  I spent so much time with DS today when I feel like DD needs the extra love.  They say kangaroo care is super good for helping babies thrive, so besides breast milk I feel like its the only thing I can do to help her, and today I didn't do it.  

UGH.  This is all crap, and it sucks.  Thanks, for listening. 

 

 

RedWingsFan

Hugs.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you are doing a great job.  Your babies know you are there and you are a great mom.  Try not to feel guilty - it does come with the territory with twins for sure, but there is only so much one-on-one attention you can give when you are by yourself.

I'm glad your DS is doing so well, and I hope your DD continues to grow and thrive as well.

Hang in there - I can't imagine what you are going through, but know that you are doing a great job!

2shihtzus

Ugh,having babies in the NICU has a way of making a person feel so guilty and it is such a battle.  I felt like I had guilt from the very beginning starting off with the fact that my boys were even in the NICU and that I hadn't been able to carry them longer.  (Not saying you should feel this way but I know it can be really common).  I was wracked with guilt.  Then, like you, my husband also worked during a lot of my babies' NICU stay (and came after work) so that he could take off when they came home.  I remember the feeling of trying to bounce back and forth from isolette to isolette (for some reason, my boys were across the room from one another, not right next to each other) and it was an awful feeling, I always felt torn and never felt like I was doing enough for both of them.

Just know that it is completely normal to feel the way you're feeling and I hate to say this, but the guilt doesn't end when they come home - you will always feel guilt for something when you are split between 2 babies.  But, you learn to realize that you are doing the absolute best that you can and your babies will know without a doubt that you love them and did everything you could for them.  Try to hang in there, hopefully your babies will be home before you know it and the NICU will soon be a distant memory!

jendb

I know how you feel!!  DH job is crazy.  One day he is on 1st the next day he is on 3rd shift!  When I have to go in by myself and only get to hold one I try and hold the other one the next day!! 

Yesterday I got to hold them both at the same time for the first time!!  I loved it!!  Anthony was taken off his cannula so he could reach over to where I was holding Jackson, who is still hooked up to the cannula and a few IVs.  Maybe that could be an option for when you when you go in alone! 

nolachick11

(((hugs))) The feeling of just having them in the nicu is enough on you itself.  Mine were in there for 23 days so I know the feeling.  Well I have to say its great that you are already trying the nipple-ing.  Do you have any family members or a friend that can go with you while DH isn't there?  Hang in there Mama!

JosiePosy

I know exactly how you feel. Looks like we both delivered right around the same time. It's not fun. Some days I didn't hold one at all because they were better off in the isolette for the day. Other days I couldn't even stay long. 

DD1 did much better than DD2 for the longest time. She had to have a PICC put in for awhile and was a much slower grower. I spent a lot of time worrying about her, and then I was worried that I wasn't giving DD1 enough attention. But it flip-flopped a lot because then DD1 started nursing first and was put in an open crib first. I bonded differently with them for different reasons. And as sure as I was that they would come home separately, I was very fortunate that we were able to take them home the same day.

We spent 43 days going back and forth between home and hospital. Many days it was just me because DH was working. It absolutely sucks, but you will get through it and then you will have a whole new appreciation for having babies at home. I always say now that a bad day at home is better than a good day at the hospital.

Hang in there and get some rest when you can. You are only able to do so much, so if you can't give one the attention you want to don't worry. There's always tomorrow. Believe it or not, that discharge day will come and then this will become a distant memory before you know it. But I know what it's like to finally hit a wall and want to burn the hospital down because you're there every.single.day for what feels like an eternity.  Feel free to PM me if you want to vent. A lot of us have been there. I will send lots of T&P for you and hope they get home soon!

sail123

I totally understand how you feel. I went through this the entire time my boys were in the NICU. I was constantly racked with guilt about not spending as much time with one baby as I did with the other. I would lie in bed at night and feel like crying, thinking about the one who I didn't spend as much time with. 

I don't have advice other than to tell you I'm sorry you are feeling this way but you are doing the absolute best you can do.  

caitdana

It sucks and I am sorry Sophia has always been my "healthy" twin and she got to interact more with us in the hospital than ella. It tore me up. The hardest day of my life was the day I took Sophia home and I had to leave Ella by herself in the NICU.  I was a beast for that month she stayed.  I feel like I make up for it now because I have to take Ella to appointments more alone and she needs extra attention at home with her monitors but it just sucks all the way around.

Lilystar82

Ugh, it is absolutley brutal. I feel for you. (((hugs))) When DH went back to work, I had to only hold one at a time during their feeds. It broke my heart to see the other one in their isolette while I held the other. It was really hard when we brought DD home before DS. I cried the entire drive home. (((hugs again)))

Haven1

You're definitely not alone.  Your babies know you're there.  Even if you aren't holding them, they know.  I honestly truly believe that.  You're doing the best that you can, and that's all you can do.  {{hugs}}

musubigirl

While my girls were in the NICU one nurse told me that the isolette mimics the womb.  She told me not to feel bad because she said to think of it as they are still in the womb but just outside your body. 

Another NICU nurse also told me that they the babies really do need their sleep so I felt ok watching them sleep knowing that they needed it. 

Don't feel guilty.