My mom called last night to say my dad has been struggling with some depression. His job has become very difficult and stressful (he is working 12+ hours a day), my grandmother (his mother) just died, and his diabetes has been giving him problems. He's apparently decided to go and see a doctor about taking an anti-depressant and is taking a leave of absence from work.
I am kind of struggling with what kind of support to offer. I am very surprised at this because my dad has always been the strong one in our family. He works in trucking and just isn't the kind of guy who goes out and talks about how he feels. I'm not really sure how to handle this or what I can do or say to help. It's usually me leaning on him for support, and it's weird to have this role reversal when I'm so used to him taking care of things.
I also have to admit that I am kind of angry at my mom for telling me all the details about the emotional struggles he's dealing with. She kept saying, "We're all adults, I just want everyone to stay informed," but part of me feels like my first role has always been to be his child, and when my mom keeps saying things like, "This job is going to kill him," it was really upsetting to me. I realize that's selfish and that I should be informed, but part of me felt like....I'd rather not know all the details.
Insight, anyone?
Re: Has anyone dealt with parents' depression?
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I experienced this. I believe my father's was mostly work related as well and he up and quit his management job that he held for 15+ years. He ended up taking a personal sabbatical from life (as I like to think of it) and finally went back to work a year or so later after doing some traveling and spending time on his own. Good for your Dad for seeking help though. My own was too stubborn to do that.
As far as your Mom getting you overly involved, that too was the case in our family. I don't blame her though since she was left with a lot to manage while my Dad was going through his stuff. I will say that it wore on me and I wish I would have been spared from being so involved. If you can, maybe take a step back from communication for awhile. I strongly believe that you are right that your first responsibility is to be his child even though you are an adult. There is a difference between being informed and being your Mom's confidant IMO. I hope he works through his problems quickly and you can keep your relationship solid through this stress.
HUGS!
Thanks, ladies. I'll check my FB mail when I get off my work-filtered computer.
Tosha, you hit the nail on the head with the issue of my mom treating me like a confidante. She called me crying and confiding and really, I feel it would have been more appropriate for her to just say, "Dad is struggling right now with his job and is taking a break to just rest." I felt like the stuff she told me was more stuff you would tell a close friend or something, and she knows that I am a huge worrier and already have been very concerned about his diabetes. After she told me all this yesterday, she just kept saying, "He's fine, I don't want you to worry," and I just kept thinking, "Really? You call me sobbing, telling me his job is going to kill him and he needs to go into counseling, and you don't want me to worry?" It is just very frustrating and I feel she is leaning on me because she does not have a lot of close friends in West Chester yet.
Miranda, she and my dad are living together now-- they managed to sell their house in IN so she was able to join him in their new house and she has a great new job. I had thought everything was going really well for them, so this is really throwing me off kilter.
Thanks for letting me vent. I'll check in my FB mail later.
I agree with this. And I would be more supportive of your mom too, I don't agree with PP about slowing communication with her. Depression is very hard on the spouse also (I know from personal experience with DH). Men tend to deal with depression differently than women, often becoming very angry. She may be bearing the brunt of this, or she may just be worried about him. And you would want her to tell you if he was sick, right? This is just a different type of illness. Plus, since when we become adults, we are all adament about not being treated like children anymore. So I don't think it's fair of you to ask for that. Though I do understand your surprise, and am not trying to be critical so please don't take it that way.
But what can you do? Be supportive of both parents, and just try to spend fun time with your dad, take him out to a ball game, spend time with him and DD.
My father has struggled with depression periodically. I have always just tried to be nonjudgmental and supportive of his efforts to receive counseling. But more than anything I have tried to be normal and not make The Depression the focus of our interactions. I treated him as I always did (well, maybe I was a little more patient and accommodating), but I didn't treat him with kid gloves or anything like that.
My parents had some major marital problems a few years ago and my mom used me as her confidant. I finally told her that I couldn't be in that role for her since these were my parents. It was unfair for her to put me in that position and I asked her not to call me with that sort of information. She was PISSED OFF and HURT at first and then after a few days she saw my position. That's different than your position but it still speaks to the tough spot of having adult relationships with your parents.
In your case, I would want the information. It's probably good practice for the future. There will come a time when your parents are frail and your knowledge of their health is going to be important since you (and siblings) will most likely be making many decisions for your parents' well being. So having some "practice" at viewing your parent(s) as normal everyday people with challenges and setbacks might be a good. And this might be the first step in that process. Your feelings are completely valid. Discuss them with your mom or spouse or someone. Of course you don't want your image of your father changed. You want him always to be a strong, solid man. But this is a good thing he's doing for himself. And you will do the right thing by him by encouraging his treatment. And perhaps your relationship will grow because of this glimpse of a different side of your father you will receive.
Good luck to your dad. I commend him for getting treatment.
After thinking about my response and reading Tiffany's, I wanted to expand as I think it sounded a bit insensitive. While I don't recommend not being there for your parents as they go through this, I wanted to reiterate the fact to not be pulled into their turmoil if you feel it's affecting you and your family personally. I tend to put my heart where I think it's needed 100% and in the situation I described before, struggled with keeping my parent's problems separate from my own life. I know my Mom didn't realize that confiding her personal fears and grief affected me so much and I would never tell her it did. I'm blabbing now. :-)
I agree with this 100%. I have distanced myself quite a bit because it was tearing me apart emotionally. She has been through a lot... I'll admit it has led to a lot of resentment on my part and I'm trying to separate the illness from the individual, but I also can't pretend that she didn't put us all through hell for a few years. She is doing a lot better now but I don't think anyone really has a long-term solution for treatment of her depression.
I guess what I would recommend is that if you find yourself at a point that it is taking a toll on you, your family, your work, whatever, that it might be time for you to talk to a professional. It takes a toll.
Never, no you're not. I think what you say makes a lot of sense. If someone has trouble separating their anxieties from others' or if they internalize the anxiety brought on by being someone's confidant to the point it is having a negative impact on their own functioning then it is not a good role for them to take.
I am also a firm believer there are certain roles we should not fulfill for our parents because it is not our place and it is fundamentally disrespectful to their marriage and to our relationship to them as children. I am fine and comfortable dealing with my parents' health and financial arenas. But when my mother was coming to me with marital issues, that crossed a line and was information she should not have shared with one of her children.
You are right. Even though it's been a few years since it all went down, I still feel different about our relationship.
I am going to bring a different perspective here. My parents divorced when I was 8. My father was very ill (he was in the Beverly Hills Supper Club fire) from the time I was 15 to age 21 when he passed away. I was his sole care taker. I had to know all of the things he was going through. It was hard and lonely. I can see the burden your mom is facing. I had only wished I had a sibling or mother to share the role of care taker at the time. I know it is stressful to hear what your dad is going through, because he is normally who you lean upon. However, I guess I don't view it as hands off because really I only had 21 yrs with my father, and yeah I knew his business, but I have never regretted trying to help him through anything or being informed about what was going on. He was my father...he had done all he could to raise me until his health failed- then as a young adult it was my turn to help him. It is hard for me to view it from any other perspective, so I am sorry if this comes across as insensitive.
ETA: My father didn't have depression...I am mainly speaking to the communication and what you are aware of from your mom's perspective.