No Sex Guilt

our1stbaby2010

Reading the post below reminded me of how guilty I feel that I don't want to have sex anymore.  I picked up MH's phone the other day to look something up online and the web browser was on some porn site.  I felt really sad but I wasn't shocked.  I haven't been doing 'it' for a while now.  To be honest, I lost the urge.  I'm so tired and it doesn't help that I'm back to work now.  I feel lost as I'm trying to merge who I am.  There is more to me than being a mother, I know!  Yet, I still feel uncomfortable just being me.  Especially here at work right now.  I'm a Higher Education Counsler and I forgot how it felt to be in a public place hearing the noise of students in the quad, the smells of fast food in the Student Union, oh and the traffic.  When I'm not with a student I find that I spend my time just missing my son (and getting on TB!).   I'm so pooped by the time I get home, all I want to do is hold my baby.  I can feel MH's need to be intimate when he touches me but I just shoot him down everytime.  I know in my heart that it will get better soon and I'm just venting on here.  He did ask me the other day if I ever will be spontanous again (bc I used to just love to do it, and I didn't care where).  Well I just looked at him with tears in my eyes and said I hope so....

Paul&Mel

I don't have any advice or anything, but it will get better! The first few months are so much harder than anyone ever really tells you. It's all about balance, and eventually you'll be able to balance sex into everything else. It's not back to normal for me yet either, but it will get better! One thing that is helping for us, is having sex. Even if I'm not in the mood to begin with, I get there. Good luck!

our1stbaby2010

Paul&Mel:

I don't have any advice or anything, but it will get better! The first few months are so much harder than anyone ever really tells you. It's all about balance, and eventually you'll be able to balance sex into everything else. It's not back to normal for me yet either, but it will get better! One thing that is helping for us, is having sex. Even if I'm not in the mood to begin with, I get there. Good luck!

Thank you.  I'm trying to talk myself into relaxing enough to be able to do it.  Sometimes a little sip of wine puts me in the mood, but I'm BF, and then again I feel guilty. (Damn you childhood Catholicism!).   

lilmgirl

I can completely understand where you're coming from.  H and I haven't had decent sex since we conceived Kamikaze.    And right now, I'm still bleeding and I'm not into having sex on my period.  Part of me is relieved because I'm terrified at how much it's going to hurt.  But as pp said, as long as I keep on doing it, it will get easier/better.

Paul&Mel

our1stbaby2010:

Paul&Mel:

I don't have any advice or anything, but it will get better! The first few months are so much harder than anyone ever really tells you. It's all about balance, and eventually you'll be able to balance sex into everything else. It's not back to normal for me yet either, but it will get better! One thing that is helping for us, is having sex. Even if I'm not in the mood to begin with, I get there. Good luck!

Thank you.  I'm trying to talk myself into relaxing enough to be able to do it.  Sometimes a little sip of wine puts me in the mood, but I'm BF, and then again I feel guilty. (Damn you childhood Catholicism!).   

All my friends with babies told me to get drunk the first few times lol. Try to have a date-night to reconnect. That might help too

PGASTL

I was thinking the other day that maybe this decreased libido is mother nature's method of "birth control" from the cave man days when we didn't have the mini pill, since bf'ing isn't 100% effective...

I feel guilty too, but really, there's only so much time and energy in the day - we didn't just magically grow 100% more time and energy!

TobleroneBar

You're last sentence made me tear... I'm sorry this has been hard for you guys. 

 I have to admit I find myself not really wanting to do "it" either.  However I will even if I'm not in the mood.  TMI, but I slap on some jelly and give it a go...to my surprise a few minutes into it, I'm really enjoying it and have been having the best "outcomes" I've had in years.  I don't know if this is something you want to try...but if I don't approach sex this way, I just won't end up doing it.

TobleroneBar

Mazurka:

 LOL - give me your best O for Outcome face!

 

chrisncassie

My H has told me quite a lot that I'm not "who I used to be" sexually.  He's comparing me now to me when we started dating.  I told him there's a lot that has changed.  Throw in another kid, a house, DS#1 who's in school now, and not to mention H who just isn't "who he used to be" either.  Not NEARLY as romantic as he used to be.  I think we all change, and grow. 

I agree with pp, a date night out might help ...try to go out at least once a month, just the two of you. 

missliz01

I'm sorry it has been rough for you. I think we've been struggling too. Near the end of my pregnancy, I didn't feel like doing anything at all. Now I surprisingly have the desire, but we just can't seem to coordinate our timing very well. Either LO wakes up from her nap (has happened while we were in the middle of things!) or one or the other is too pooped. I sometimes have a hard time balancing my identities. I love Olivia and being a mom, but I'm other things than just a mom and sometimes it's hard to fit those in. I hope things get better for you guys soon. Hang in there.

our1stbaby2010

DeadOktober:

Mazurka:

 LOL - give me your best O for Outcome face!

 

OMG...too funny! 

janneann1127

i'm sorry. it is hard to get in the mood these days when you're exhausted, and you're getting a lot of the intimacy that you need from BF'ing, and just from the baby in general. Like many others have said, my advice is to just "do it". as much as you don't feel like it or whatever, the more you do it, the more you'll want to do it. And usually, once you start, you can get into it.. just use a lot of lube. :-)

our1stbaby2010

@ Chrisncass-I'm sorry you're going through this too!  I get that we change and this is part of the phase.  I never thought about but a pp posted that it may be nature's birth control.  It made me feel a little better actually.  I can blame nature and not me! 

our1stbaby2010

lilmgirl:

I can completely understand where you're coming from.  H and I haven't had decent sex since we conceived Kamikaze.    And right now, I'm still bleeding and I'm not into having sex on my period.  Part of me is relieved because I'm terrified at how much it's going to hurt.  But as pp said, as long as I keep on doing it, it will get easier/better.

I dread this too!  I havn't started my AF yet.  Sometimes I get chocolate cravings and I squirm. 

our1stbaby2010

rma910:

I was thinking the other day that maybe this decreased libido is mother nature's method of "birth control" from the cave man days when we didn't have the mini pill, since bf'ing isn't 100% effective...

I feel guilty too, but really, there's only so much time and energy in the day - we didn't just magically grow 100% more time and energy!

Your daughter is soo cute!  She always puts a smile on my face.

chrisncassie

our1stbaby2010:

@ Chrisncass-I'm sorry you're going through this too!  I get that we change and this is part of the phase.  I never thought about but a pp posted that it may be nature's birth control.  It made me feel a little better actually.  I can blame nature and not me! 

 

I think its important that us ladies not blame ourselves for these things.  its not always something we can control.  I had a hard time just "giving it a go" ...especially since I really wasn't feeling it.  I'm still not as into it as I used to be, and H is just going to have to deal with it, and understand that its going to take some time.  We went from July '10, until Jan '11 we weren't messing around in the slightest...I think that takes a toll on a relationship too.  Just take your time getting back into it.  As long as you and your H are talking about it, and not bottling it in, I think that's a good sign. 

Sunshine060609

After seeing so many "we couldn't wait 6 weeks!" posts, I was kinda relieved to see this today. I'm having trouble getting into it too...but the 'just do it' advice is so true.

nootie24

we havent even done it successfully yet. still hurts too bad (my jina's broken) so im not in the mood to fail again. and when we try, i cant focus. there are too many baby things all over every room of the house

bosha711

I am late to this post, but girl, I am in the SAME boat. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this too. Please email me anytime if you want to vent some more, etc. ((hugs))