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3rd Trimester
sherah1282
member
Help, caught my husband doing you know what
sherah1282
member
WTH! I keep finding porn on the computer. My husband works nights and when he gets home he stays up for a bit before coming to bed. I have woke up and walked in on him in the living room doing "you know what" a few times now. I talked to him about it and he said it was because I have been so sick but he knows I am only sick after I eat and that I LOVE morning sex. We have had some issues in the past. It has gotten so bad that when I got home one afternoon last week the he hadn't closed the computer and it was up on the screen, my 7 yr old was in toe. I slammed the computer closed. Lets just say that he got a very rude awakening that day.
I know he is not worried about hurting the baby or anything like that and he is still very flirty with me, just no sex.
Any advise would be very helpful.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Help, caught my husband doing you know what
This exactly. I can see that you're bummed out that he's playing with himself rather than with you, but you could look at it that he's being courteous and not waking you up from some much-needed rest
Well, I dont know your current sex life is considering your pregnant, but I know for me.... I have wanted nothing to do with sex since the day I got pregnant. My hormones have been soo out of whack and I just cant get into it. I try, but it just isnt happening often.
I would EXPECT my DH to masturbate. Actually, I prefer that he does right now so that he leaves me ALONE! LOL
If I was finding that he was leaving porn up on the computer tho, knowing our other children were around, that would make me upset, but I'm sure it may have just been an accident? I wouldnt be too hard on him tho.... like pp said... He is an adult, its his body.
My libido is kaput and DH has been using porn to help him satisfy his needs. It doesn't mean he doesn't love, he doesn't mean he doesn't find me sexy, it means he needs more intimacy than I do right now. We still have sex just not frequently.
I'd rather him use porn and pleasure himself then flirt with other women or constantly complain to me about the lack of sex. In the bedroom he understands that there are peaks and lows with my hormones during pregnancy.
Talk to your husband if it bothers you. It doesn't bother me, but I know some women don't feel that way.
Why does it bother you? Would you rather he wakes you up for sex? Or is it making you self concious?
Yes, yes, yes.
Now as far as responsibility with his porn and children in the house, that's a whole other issue (clear your cache people!) but masturbation is not equal to sex- you can want to masturbate and not want to have sex and that doesn't mean you don't love or aren't attracted to your partner. Have you voiced your needs? Just like you might want to have some morning sex he might want to have some late night self-loving and there's nothing wrong with either of you. What's wrong is not talking about what you want- you're grown ups in a sexual relationship and you need to shut The Bump and talk to your DH about your sex life.
Why dont you try waking him up for sex? Do you ask for sex? Or come on to him? What does he say/do? Maybe try that if you havnt already.
I think I will have to do exactly this. I know that if was the other way around and I was choosing to not have sex with him he would be throwing a fit. Its been 2 months and I say its time to give up the goods.
I'm going to c&p this for all the other masturbating posts that come up on the bump.
Thumbs up.
This doesn't even make sense. It's ok if he masturbates as long as he does so while having sex with you? I'm with PP: his body, his fun.
That said, some guys are just not interested in pregnant sex. Yours may be one of those and he doesn't want to make you feel bad/fat/self-conscious/whatever. He might actually be trying to protect you from something he knows is his own issue. Sucks for you, but what's stopping you from masturbating too?
I ditto this!
I personally am happy my husband can find a way to satisfy himself!
I have a slightly different reaction to this post than PP, although I agree with their central points. In general, I find the "oh noes my husband masturbates to porn!" posts on here to be ridiculous - I have no issue with masturbation, or porn, and cannot believe how many women here think their husbands don't masturbate, or shouldn't. I have never understood it.
However, I do think that when masturbation begins to take the place of a couple's sex life - which seems to be what is happening here - then there is a larger issue. It could be that your husband is uncomfortable having sex while you are pregnant, it could be a host of things. It sounds like you need to sit down and have an adult conversation about what's going on - a calm, rational, non-judgemental conversation - and let him know that while you understand the need to masturbate, you are missing your sex life and want to know how he's feeling.
It's not, to me, the act of masturbating here that is the issue, it's that you feel it has interfered with or is taking the place of your sexual relationship. I could see myself having an issue with that.
I have had ZERO sex drive lately, and watching porn has actually helped me get in the mood. I wouldn't mind if my husband was masturbating, but I do think you should just CASUALLY mention that he needs to be more careful with what he leaves up on the computer...at this point, I wouldn't make it a big deal.
I think our guys are having all kinds of weird emotions when it comes to having sex with us pregnant women. I would kind of wait and see if the issue resolves itself after the baby is born.
That is exactly how I felt with our first child. I never wanted sex and felt so "unsexy." ( I still did it) I gained 60 pounds. My weight went from 120 to 180. It was awful. He always wanted sex. Now we have switched places. I weigh only 134 and am always in the mood. It seems he is to. Just not having any of it with me. I am sure it will all work itself out.
I agree about their emotions. I've been thinking that maybe it is because I have finally started to get a belly. 31 weeks and have only gained 5 pounds. It didn't seem like that big of a deal at first but geez...2 months. Doesn't he realize that in 2 more months we will have a new born and a 7 yr old. Time will be limited.
here's what i do...
if i see him doing what he does, then i say to him "oh ok, let's go do it" then it's done and everyone feels great.
there's no point in getting petty about it, just have sex... you've done it before obviously! it's pretty easy to do!
he could be doing it because he might think he's bothering, especially if you happen to complain about being pregnant all day. like some of us do
and that's great that you want morning sex, but it's actually a fact, women are hornier in the morning and guys get it at night. as my dh put it, it's their way of relaxing at the end of the day.
good luck, but don't bother telling us, tell him...
WOW, someone that actually read my post and didn't just see the words masturbation and porn and flip out. Thanks agian for earlier and for now. I'm pretty sure I asked for advice and not judgement. Some of the others should pay closer attention before replying.
That has actually been one of the few good things about him working nights. I get my morning sex and he gets his night time sex. : )
I agree with all of this 100%.
OK, I was only asking for advice not arguments. I don't mind different opinions but I do mind judgement and cattiness. It is not helpful at all. My point and question was for advice on how to handle and once again approach the situation, not to start a crazy battle for or against masturbation and porn. That would be a completely different website. My problem has to do with the lack of pregnancy sex and what is causing it. If you want to debate the other two subjects message me and we can discuss those all day. But I find it innapropriate to debate these subjects on the bump.
If you find the topics inappropriate, don't start a thread about them (or issues arising from masturbation and porn). I don't feel like any of the replies to your thread have been judgmental; you haven't been flamed at all. I assume from your post number that you're new to The Bump and just need time to figure out how to interact with others online. I agree with the PP who said that it doesn't help you at all if every respondent merely says what you want to hear. Having said that, I don't have any advice for you other than that you should learn the dynamics of this forum before getting upset by responses intended to be helpful.
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12., Matilda born 6/17/13.
I'm thinking this is MUD...either unintentional or not.
You start off mentioning masturbation and porn...but then say its not appropriate conversation on the Bump. huh???
You claim that people freaked out by the word masturbation and porn and were catty...but nowhere did anyone flame you, freak out or were they catty. They were giving you advice.
And you immediately start to complaint about the lack of advice...but that's what everyone was giving you advice. You just didn't want to hear it.
Next time you "catch" him pleasing himself...join him. Then you both get a happy ending!.
Good luck.
Maybe next time you walk in on him doing what he's doing...obviously he's aroused. Go for it with him then and there. Instead of flying off the handle at him, go over to him and gently move the porn out of the way and take over and then you both get your fun. He obviously enjoys watching porn and you can't change that, but make the best of it.
Then at another time when porn and sex are the furthest things from your minds, have a talk about how it makes you feel to find him doing that and go from there.
OP, you said with your last pregnancy you never felt like having sex. Right?
Go back to that time in your head, did you really care whether he wanted to or not? Maybe, cared is the wrong word. Sure, you cared. I don't know anyone that wants their H to be unsatisfied. But what I mean is, you just didn't want to. You didn't feel like it. Whether you were tired, sick, uncomfortable, not in the mood, whatever.
So, if he's not into pregnant sex this time, can't you see where he's coming from?
IDK, for us, sometimes we go through phases like this. I don't want to or he doesn't want to, for whatever reason. I'm not going to jump on him and get mad and force him to have sex with my whale of a self. There's TONS of women on these boards who don't get sex throughout the entire pregnancy because their H's just aren't into it.
I think you should tell him how you feel, but cut him some slack.
And as far as masturbating, that's a totally separate thing. I wouldn't even relate the 2 if I were you. I self love whether we're having sex or not, and he does too. It's totally not the same thing.
Baby #4; 7/7/2018
I agree with this too. The problem isn't the masturbation, it's that it's taking the place of sex in the relationship.
I was actually in a relationship like this a few years before I met my husband and it ultimately ended it. I would talk to YH about it. Maybe he is just having trouble with you being pregnant. Some men, even the ones you wouldn't expect it from, have this problem. If it doesn't at least resolve itself after the baby is born I would talk to a therapist about it.
Wedding/Honeymoon Pictures
I absolutely agree with this.
I feel the same way.
Regardless of whether or not he is masturbating, why would it stop you from morning sex? Jump his bones, girl!
ITA. MH has always had a high sex drive, but when I started getting larger, and feeling the baby, and having some RLP, our sex life nose dived. I had to sit down and ask him what was going on and why he didn't seem up for sex as much. He admited to some reservations about hurting me or the baby, and once I explained that it wasn't an issue, our sex life picked back up.
It sounds like you need to talk to him and find out what's going on in his head. As for leaving porn on the computer that your children can find. That definitely needs addressed.
OP- I can understand why you'd be upset if you want sex and instead of giving you attention he masterbating all the time and not having any sex with you. I think that a lot of the girls here are going off of your first post, it sounded like your main issue was the porn. Especially since you said that you've had some "issues" in the past without saying exactly what the issue was. Don't expect to hear what you want to hear, or get a magic answer when nobody here knows the WHOLE story.
Since you've obviously had a hard time with a situation like this in the past with him, then I would talk to him. I'm not flaming you, but in all honesty talk to your husband about it instead of asking a bunch of internet strangers. You know more about your situation then we do. This is obviously a very personal issue and if I were your husband I would ask for a bit more respect to come to me before posting something about my masterbation on the internet. I'm not sure how your first reaction was when you walked in on him, but my guess is it probably wasn't a calm one. Remember that your actions will have a great deal to do with how he responds.
did you ever consider that your experience with your first child has made him re-evaluate how he's handling this pregnancy? give him a break or at least talk to him about how you feel. honestly, this was a pretty important part to leave out of the original post. sounds like you just need to reassure him that it's okay
"If you do not hope, you will not find what is beyond your hopes."
-St. Clement of Alexandra