How should I respond to this? (family issue)

caden

My 87 and 88 yr old grandparents offer to babysit ALL the time. Like every week, sometimes multiple times a week. I love them, but they are not in good health and not physically capable of taking care of 2 6 month olds. My grandma's hands shake so she can't grasp objects like bottles or spoons. My grandpa can't walk and falls asleep just sitting in a chair during a conversation. So at best they could watch my boys while they slept for an hour, and even then I get nervous since they don't have a lot of energy and would not be able to hold either baby for very long.

Every time they offer, I counter-offer for them to come over while I'm here or tell them I don't have anything to do outside of the house so, "thanks but no thanks" kind of thing. But I can tell they're getting irritated. They got miffed when I hired my doula to babysit. My mom told me "Grandma doesn't think you trust her." I responded with, "Umm I DON'T trust her! Would you?!" It's not that they don't know how to babysit, they just physically can't.

Do I just keep saying what I've been saying and ignore their irritation? I don't have the guts to say, "I love you but you aren't able to babysit." I'd feel like a horse's a$$ for pointing out their infirmities. WWYD?

meggy1017

I would keep doing what you are doing and hopefully they'll stop asking.  That is a very difficult spot to be in.  GL!

hunt2005

Wow, that's a tough one... Are your mom (is it maternal grandparents?) and them close? Maybe you could talk to your mom and have her then talk to them about it. I would never leave mine with any of my grandparents because of that (heck, I get nervous thinking about leaving them with MY parents and they don't have those issues!), but definitely not with someone who I'd be afraid would drop them/fall asleep while they were playing and could get hurt, etc. Just because it's family you have to think of the health of the babies.

 They only happy compromise I can think of would be to ask her if she could come over and watch them while you get __ chores done. That way you're at the house but you do get that time with two free hands to clean/laundry/garden, etc and maybe then she'll see just how tough it really is and stop offering

leslie13510

Maybe you could have them babysit with your mom?  I mean, since she seems to care so much about their feelings in this she should jump at the opportunity to do this for them.  Other than that I would just keep doing what you're doing.  If they ever come out and confront you about it, say that the kids are just such a handful that you can barely keep up with them most days, and you want to make things as easy on them as possible.  If they really push you on it then I guess you have to come out and tell them the truth.  Whatever you do, don't say that you don't trust them, just that you know what a challenge the kids are, and that you don't think they could physically keep up.  If they're going to push and push and push, then old or not, they need to hear the truth, if that's the only thing that will get them to see the reality of the situation.  The babies' safety comes before anyone's feelings. 

tSquared1987

hunt2005:

Wow, that's a tough one... Are your mom (is it maternal grandparents?) and them close? Maybe you could talk to your mom and have her then talk to them about it. I would never leave mine with any of my grandparents because of that (heck, I get nervous thinking about leaving them with MY parents and they don't have those issues!), but definitely not with someone who I'd be afraid would drop them/fall asleep while they were playing and could get hurt, etc. Just because it's family you have to think of the health of the babies.

 They only happy compromise I can think of would be to ask her if she could come over and watch them while you get __ chores done. That way you're at the house but you do get that time with two free hands to clean/laundry/garden, etc and maybe then she'll see just how tough it really is and stop offering

This is a good idea. I bet after a couple times of watching them (with your supervision) they will probably stop asking. If not and they keep pushing to watch them by themselves, then you'll have to say something to them. Or have your mom say something to them. I'd make my mom But she is really really close with my grandparents so I think it'd be easier coming from her.

Temp159135562506975

ouch- that is rou

Temp159135562506975

ouch- that is rough. I would certainly never leave my babies with them. I won't even leave them with my MIL b/c her health is not great and she is careless with too many things... she knows we won't ever have her babysit, thankfully and has never asked.

i would have your mom talk to them since she seems concerned.... and maybe have her babysit with them once - or while you clean, etc... but in no way should you give in to them being alone with the babies - i totally get your feelings on that!

 

natb22

I agree there would be no way I'd let someone watch my girls who aren't physically capable of taking care of them. I have a similar problem with my uncle and my girls aren't even born yet. I know he's going to behave the same way he did with my nieces/nephews. He has one leg and one prostetic. Every now and then, albeit rare, but every now and then his prostetic locks up and he falls, no warning, no nothing. He was so hurt when we wouldn't let him hold my nieces/nephews unless he sat down. I dont care if he hates me forever, there is no way I'm letting him walk while holding either of my babies, I don't care if he falls once a year I would never take the risk.

Anyway I rambled a bit, but dont feel bad for not wanting them to watch them, I completely agree! Maybe you can take them over there and just stay there with them..GL

Leigh71

hunt2005:

Wow, that's a tough one... Are your mom (is it maternal grandparents?) and them close? Maybe you could talk to your mom and have her then talk to them about it. I would never leave mine with any of my grandparents because of that (heck, I get nervous thinking about leaving them with MY parents and they don't have those issues!), but definitely not with someone who I'd be afraid would drop them/fall asleep while they were playing and could get hurt, etc. Just because it's family you have to think of the health of the babies.

 They only happy compromise I can think of would be to ask her if she could come over and watch them while you get __ chores done. That way you're at the house but you do get that time with two free hands to clean/laundry/garden, etc and maybe then she'll see just how tough it really is and stop offering

This!  darn bold type....it;s still on sorry)  trying to type w/a little one.  If you do this.... and say "how much you need to clean/do things around the house"....and don't hover.....in one or 2 "babysitting" times, they will almost for sure stop offering.  I have 3 nieces....  and they are 14, 17, and 19.  More than old enough to babysit, but the oldest age 19 freaks if they are both crying at the same time.  I got about 3 blocks from the house and she called me to come home.  And now.... after a few of the "babysitting" sessions...she doesn't bug me anymore.  It's great (the not bugging me to watch them). 

And I 100% agree w/you about safety.  I just spent an entire night in the ER, because DD2 took a four foot fall....and that was when DH was with her.  I would be very concerned that your elderly grandparents were there alone w/them.   So... I will be quiet now...but I think the nicest way to have them stop asking is to have them over as "mothers helpers"....and try to not help them too much so they really get a feel for how busy twins are.  I also Like the suggestion to have your Mom bbsit with them.