Judgmental People (and Intro!)

amygoable

Hi, I'm mom to a 1-year-old boy who was born at 25 weeks weighing 1 lb. 9 oz. He had a grade IV brain bleed (grade III on the other side), but it has healed well and he didn't need a shunt. We came home from the NICU 13 weeks after his birth, and another few months later, he was off of oxygen. Now he is very healthy, if a little behind in some things.

Does anyone else here have preemies around 1 year old? Or micropreemies that are a little older?

Anyway, I'm struggling with feeling like a terrible mom, because my son's physical therapist (PT) said that his difficulties with crawling and using his arm muscles are not because of prematurity, but because I didn't put him on his tummy enough. I thought I did my best with tummy time, but now I feel like a total failure. I did it daily when he came home from the NICU, and then more often when we first met the PT 8 weeks later or so. He hates tummy time, so it's been a challenge to do, but we never gave up on it. Apparently our efforts were barely better than neglect. Has anyone else had experiences like this?

He's almost 9 months by adjusted age, and while I know he should be crawling and cruising, he is barely creeping and rolling to get around, and can stand at short tables and such with the support of just his hands, but the physical therapist says he's doing it wrong and he can't cruise or bend down.

I feel like I've gotten enough judgment for having such a tiny baby and for even normal parenting stuff, but it stings like hell to have this lady tell me I totally failed, and that's why my kid struggles. I know I have the responsibility to help him overcome his setbacks, but I'm just frustrated that according to a professional, he has no setbacks except a mom who sucks at doing enough tummy time.

Any advice from mommas in similar situations?

luvdv8

I would ask for a second opinion. DD hated tummy time and was/is always behind in gross motor, but that's not entirely on me or DH or even her. She was preterm (34w5d) and some things are harder for her to do. Also, it seems like 9 months adjusted is very early to be worry about a lot of those things- DD didn't cruise until 10 months or so and bending down was still an issue until recently. Get another PT to reassess your son and see what they have to say- it may be that in the eyes of another person your son's issues are not a)nearly as bad as original though and b)completely your fault.

Hold strong mamma- you know how hard you push for your LO!

kaylaaimee

I'm sorry, I don't have a similar situation but I would say your therapist sucks and you need a new one stat!

And he's only a year, it's totally normal for him to be a bit behind

TriciaJoy

Screw her. I'd ask for another therapist. You don't need that crap. Babies crawled & sat long before any experts told parents to do tummy time. How the hell would she know what caused the trouble?

My son had lots of delays (he was born at 26w2d and will be 3 in May) and no one can tell me what caused what. He was a micro, also born with a deformed diaphragm, had catastrophic reflux for almost 16 months, has been tube-fed most of his life, been in some combination of therapy (OT, PT, DT, Speech) since he was 2 months adjusted. He didn't roll until he was 19 moths old. Crawled at 20 and walked at 21. When he was ready to do it, he did.

Going through the things we've been through is hell. You don't need people dragging you down.

lemen99

My son was born at 26w2d and also had a grade 2 and 4 IVH that self-resolved.  We tried to give him as much tummy time as possible (he actually liked it) but he was still delayed in gross motor (and still is at 2 yrs old).

 of course more tummy time may help build strength faster, but just because your LO isn't crawling doesn't mean you didn't do it enough, and it doesn't mean if you had done it more he would be crawling yet.  

I didn't like our first ST.  i felt like she was blaming me for the fact that Andrew wouldn't eat or talk at all.  I felt like she was scrutenizing my parenting instead of doing her job.  We ended up getting a new therapist who had a totally different outlook and reason for why our son couldn't do these things.  She said the first therapist was so off-base and we were doing great. 

I would find someone new. 

Hugs!

kar5162

That's BS and you should call your therapist out with her supervisor and demand a new one who is more supportive.  If it was just a tummy time issue, you could put him on his tummy for hours a day now and see rapid progress.  DS is hypotonic and has issues stemming from birth and is very delayed in gross motor skills.  We didn't do a lot of tummy time early on because he'd scream and puke.  I want my kid to do well and get what he needs, but not at the expense of misery, you know.  Around one his reflux started getting better and what do you know, he started tolerating being on his tummy more.  He was soon rolling and then army crawling.  At 17 months he's pulling up and standing.  He's behind, but he's now making good progress.  No amount of putting him on his tummy helped before he stopped being miserable - we did try much more for about a month and it just resulted in lots of screaming and tears as well as cleaning up tons of puke.

witt0198

A therapist is not being helpful if they make you feel that way. IMO supporting the parents is a big part of their job. We were very fortunate to have therapists who focused more on what was next to work on for Evan to do, giving us tips of what to do to help him meet those milestones, and not make the focus delays or failures.

Evan didn't get any floor time at all for a long time. He vomited if he was that flat, and we had to prioritize weight gain and health over floor time. He didn't crawl till 16months/12 adjusted, and didn't walk till 20months/16 adjusted, and he was walking before he could stand in the middle of the floor - "wrong" order if you ask some people. But you know what, he's 3 now and doesn't qualify for any services anymore becuase he's average or above for everything for his actual age. His co-workers when he's an adult won't know or care when he crawled or learned to pee in a toilet.

Keep supporting your LO, fighting for him, and helping him to be the best he can be, while loving him for who he is. You don't want him to feel bad for meeting milestones when he does, you shouldn't either. 9months adjusted is still really young for a lot of those things for term babies who had an easier start. Take a deep breath, know you're not a bad mom, and just do what you can to help him reach HIS next milestone.

AviatorJJ

Sometimes as moms of preemies we take everything to heart. And sometimes therapists are not as sensative as they should be. Not a good combo. It takes a special kind of therapist to not only be good with kids but also parents. If you feel like she is not a good fit for you both you might want to find someone new. With that said I have to ask, Did she really say you are a total failure or is that just want it feels like? I have learned over the years to kind of toughen up. No one likes to hear that their child is behind but even though they are it doesn't mean you are a bad mom or a failure.

Even if he had more tummy time he still may not be crawling. My son was not a micropreemie and he did not crawl until after his 1st bday, he took his first steps at 15 months and walked at 21 months. I know in my heart that I did everything I could and still do to help him. I try and not beat myself up. God has a plan for he and I and for some reason he is exactly where he needs to be. He is now 4 and I try and look at how far he has come and not dwell on what he isn't doing.

mrstarawalsh

I would ask for another threapist. My daughter is also 9 months old adjusted and isn't doing any of those things. Hell, my full term child didn't start crawling until he was 11 months old!  If she's making you feel like that she's not being helpful.

luckycooky

TriciaJoy:

Screw her. I'd ask for another therapist. You don't need that crap. Babies crawled & sat long before any experts told parents to do tummy time. How the hell would she know what caused the trouble?

Could not have said this better myself.  And if you came home at 13 weeks, then started meeting with PT 8 weeks later (21 weeks), there have been about 4 months where your PT should have been giving you specific exercises to do with LO and she should have been doing tummy time during the therapy if it was that important.  We did very little tummy time with DD and she just started crawling/becoming mobile.  (DD is 10 mo actual/8 mo adj) It sounds like she is a crappy therapist and is trying to pass the blame.

My nephew will be 1 next week, 10 mo adj, and I don't think he is crawling yet.  Every child is different and every child responds to therapy different.  It sounds like you are doing everything you can to help him.  Keep a positive attitude and check out other therapists who will work with you to help your son.  My nephew and sister have both benefited greatly from PTs who are willing to teach my sister what they are doing and why they are doing it.