the slippery edge of hope

BzeetyD

I have days when I feel so hopeful and optimistic and like all "Hell yeah! We're gonna be the babymakingest couple in the world" and then days where I'm wallowing in the muck of jealousy, impatience and suckitude, feeling miserable because I can't make even my reptile brain muster the wee-est glimmer of positivity.

We were really bummed that Clomid didn't work last cycle (and by work, I don't mean medically, I mean I'm not PG). Now we've got Clomid and Progesterone on board.

I think it's actually worse the more help we get from doctors, as if more intervention makes me more and more hopeful each cycle. At the same time, I'm having a harder and harder time getting psyched up each round and feeling more pessimistic. Does that even make sense?

Ugh. Is the fall further each time?

Does/Has anyone else feel/felt this way? 

GuppyAmy

I think this week has been a testament to how sucktastic this whole process is. Personally, I got so excited our first couple of medicated cycles then our first iui and then our first IVF attempt only to be let down miserably. So currently I am working on improving myself and not worrying about the whole trying to have a baby thing. My road to self improvement includes starting south beach again and working working out, I was able to run again today and did 3 miles, very slowly but did 3 miles. I've given up charting for now and even using my CBEFM. We're rediscovering our sex lives and right now I'm enjoying it. So far down 7 pounds and feeling great and our relationship is better than ever.

Pixiestx

I hope you don't mind me replying with a ticker in my siggy. 

I do agree with you that once I started to get "help" (and I use that term loosely since I feel it set me back more than anything) my expectations were higher even though I knew the reality. I think my first iui not working was as, if not more, disappointing than my chemical pg.  It's like I expected my body to fail, but I wanted to believe that medical intervention wouldn't. 

((hugs)) It's hard when you want to be hopeful but you also want to protect yourself from feeling so hurt. 

EntropicEpona

I think that sounds pretty normal. You seem early into it, so it's hard not to let hope grab hold and run away with you. Keep up that hope!

As for the pessimism, I think that goes with the territory, too. Infertilty is fun times, man. Fun times.

BzeetyD

I am early in the process and I appreciate you all responding. I don't have any friends IRL who have gone through this so sharing my feelings and hearing all of yours really helps me out. Despite my lack of posts, I've been lurking for a long time and have seen your stories play out. I'm sorry it's been so frustrating for so long for so many of us.

Guppy Amy - That sounds very healthy and positive, for you and your relationship, Even better you'll get something to show for it and you already do. Very cool. I keep trying to focus on other things too. My bestie and I bought a vintage travel trailer that we're trying to turn into a roving crafty store. Now that it's almost spring, we're getting into it more so that helps me keep busy mentally.

PixieiStix - I don't mind tickers, personally, they give me hope! Thanks for stopping and sharing. I think you said it right about bodies vs medicine, my expectations are higher or better or something, despite my continuing doubt and frustration.

EntropicEpona - thanks for the words of encouragement, I don't stop hoping it's just harder and harder to let myself feel it. It's been a hell week on this board and I don't take being new-ish lightly. Thanks for being cool.

hugs to all.

ColindaP

Hmm. How to answer, how to answer.

It's weird. Yes, the edge of hope slips further and further away with each medical intervention (to be fair, I have only done one medical intervention, but it was THE medical intervention, IVF), and it slips further and further away with each miscarriage. Because, shitt, I can get pg on my own but not carry to term, and then when I turn to science I can't even get pg. So that's really not very hopeful at all.

But by the same token, each successive nail in the coffin brings me closer to acceptance. Not that I'm all, "Ok, darn, well this isn't gonna happen, that's fine," but I'm slowly and steadily working my way towards the realization that this very probably will never happen. And that's a loss of hope, but it's also a loss of expectation, and I guess getting rid of the expectation makes it a little less painful to give up the hope.

If that made ANY sense whatsoever, which I'm afeared it didn't... 

ColleenS629

Hmm, I guess for me, the first time I try a new intervention my hopes get higher and each time it fails, they do fall farther. My first IUI I was really hopeful that it would work. It didn't and I was crushed. My second IUI, I kind of figured it wouldn't work. Now that I'l doing IVF, I'm really hopeful. I pray that my hopes don't come crashing down this time. Hopefully adding the progesterone will do the trick for you.

BzeetyD

ColindaP -That totally makes sense and I think I'm understanding about hope vs expectation and how they kind of go together. I had coffee with an older friend (60+) who was infertile her whole life and she sort of jumped to "maybe it's not meant to be" - which is fair, and possibly true, but I'm just not ready to think that just yet. I think I still have too many hopes and expectations that need exhausting. The thought has crossed my mind more than once though and you're right about nails in the coffin. Each trial is another finality. I'm sorry you've been through the ringer lately. Thanks for responding.

ColleenS629 - That's exactly how I feel about my 2nd round of Clomid. I felt so blas? about it and shruggy and mopey like an ol' Eeyore. I realized though that I had to muster up some kind of hope because it didn't seem fair to ask my husband to try his hardest when I was feeling so detatched. Now, after O, I'm holding out hope but trying not to fly too high this time. Thanks for sharing your feelings. I hope your IVF cycle brings you a take home baby.

 

 

 

Court1

Hmm, I could repeat a bit of what most of these girls have already said.  It's eay to get hopes up wit new medical interventions (I SWORE Clomid would be our magic pill.... 3 months later I was a little dumbfounded).  Hang on to the hope & take things a day at a time.  That's all any of us can d.

triple_sevens

On the one hand, I do know what you mean: the emotional fall after our first IUI ended in a chemical was pretty dire. I felt very hopeless about the entire clomid/IUI course of action after that (even though it wound up "working" for us--working so far, I mean, there are no guarantees).

BUT-- I spent what felt like an eternity struggling and crying on my own before we even turned to medical help. There had been 18 months of beating myself up before we stepped foot in the RE's office. And she was so smart, so competent, and so positive she was going to get us pregnant, that I felt a little (just a little) of that confidence, too.

For me, nothing was as bad as last summer in the three or four months we were waiting to go to our RE appointments. I wanted SO SO much to get that miracle Right-Before-ART BFP, and when it didn't happen I was angry, bitter, distraught, jealous, and a huge freaking mess. Everything that came after, as much as it sometimes sucked, was an improvement on that, because I at least didn't feel alone anymore.