Family Drama and Showers

DramaMama06

my SIL is due 2 days after i am (late june). i approached my mother about what her plans were for a shower a few months back, just to see if she was planning a family shower, or including my friends and inlaws. i was quickly told that she could handle it and it was none of my business. i politely reminded her to inform my MIL either way so that she could plan accordingly. My mother does not play well with others and my bridalshower was a nightmare thanks to her. she had mentioned that she wasn't very interested in inviting my inlaws at all (which made DH feel all warm and fuzzy)

My MIL just asked me if my mother was planning anything b.c she hasn't heard from her and is planning a big shower for my SIL and her inlaws and didn't want to overlap too much so that guests on her side didn't feel as if they were strapped with two gifts in a short period of time.

i've also had a friend of mine offer to organize a shower for friends (my husband and i are involved in a community theater and have a large "2nd family" who are eager to celebrate our first child)

The problem i'm running into is that my mother REFUSES to share dates or even a possible guest list with us, making it impossible to plan our already hectic schedules or for my MIL to plan her showers! if my mother is not going to include my friends i would like to have a get together just to celebrate (not even a shower per say) what should i do?  

EastCoastBride

Tell your friends to plan a shower (and thank them profusely) and also tell them to "spread the word" that your mom might invite them to another shower, but that they aren't expected to attend both...

W/ your MIL, just be honest and tell her you have no idea and to go ahead and plan SIL's as if no one is being invited.

If your mom does invite all these people and no one comes, y ou canjsut tell her "As you wouldnt' tell me, I had them go ahead and make their own plans....".

Ms.Jade

Delete the part about her not playing well with others, and email this to her. If she sees it in print maybe she'll see what stress she's putting you through and come off it.

kgunz11

I would tell your MIL and friends to proceed with their plans and put something on your calendar.  Then if/when your mom makes up her mind and the date doesn't work for you, you can just tell her to pick another date.  She needs to quit being so secretive and finalize some stuff rather than being difficult.

rhubarb123

Do you think your Mom is waiting to see what date your MIL picks so she can pick the same date?  Is this why she is being secretive?  Are "surprise" showers the norm for your family?  I would tell MIL to choose whatever date works with her and your SIL and tell your firend to pick one that works with her and you.  If and when your Mom decides to act mature and picks a date...if it doesn't work for you then just let her know.  She'll either have to pick another date, host the shower without you being there or not host one at all (her choice).  If your Mom decides not to host a shower just add your family members to your friends' shower if your hostess is OK with it.

kristennd

I would encourage everyone to plan on doing their own thing shower-wise and to not count on your mother. Otherwise people will definitely be left out. There is no reason to assume this will go better than your bridal shower did.

dana1318a

I think I would just tell MIL to go ahead and pick a date for SILs shower, and if your friend has offered to throw you a shower, tell her to go ahead and pick a date too.  Then just tell your mother that X1 and X2 dates don't work for you because X1 is the day of your SILs shower, and X2 is the date your friend has chosen to host a shower with your theater friends. 

I can understand her not wanting to tell you the exact date, because in my circle showers are typically surprises.  But refusing to communicate with your MIL is very annoying and I'm sure frustrating.  Good luck!

DramaMama06

Thanks Ladies! Showers have typically been a suprise (although i am the first in my generation to cross both the wedding and baby bridge and tend to be very non traditional). i can understand her wanting to keep the date a surprise but it is annoying that she isn't sharing with my MIL. i should add that if my mother isn't going to include my inlaws they are talking about having a second shower (on top of my SIL's shower) for me which is really generous of them but makes me feel terrible!

i've told my mother that my MIL is waiting to hear from her, my MIL told me that if she doesn't hear from her soon she'll just do her own thing. i guess that's all i can do. 

cozylittlecave

EastCoastBride:

Tell your friends to plan a shower (and thank them profusely) and also tell them to "spread the word" that your mom might invite them to another shower, but that they aren't expected to attend both...

W/ your MIL, just be honest and tell her you have no idea and to go ahead and plan SIL's as if no one is being invited.

If your mom does invite all these people and no one comes, y ou canjsut tell her "As you wouldnt' tell me, I had them go ahead and make their own plans....".

This. I'd also let your mother know that friends & your MIL have spoken to you, and you've given them a full green light since she gave you no details. If she still wants to be secretive, that's fine, but you're not going to hold up or inconvenience others because of it. 

caseybb358@yahoo.com

I feel your pain and Im so sorry your mother is putting you through that!  My particular problem is that my mother hates my step-mother and doesnt want to share her spotlight as grandmother..... and refuses to communicate with her about my shower.  I am going to end up being involved in the planning of my own shower in order to mediate the family members.... its unfortunate that people cant just get along to spare our pregnant emotions