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Parenting
writing out of concern
Hello,
I'm writing out of concern for my best friend. She has a little boy of 17 months. And there are things that she's telling me that makes me worry for him.
I've only seen him the day after he was born and at the age of 3 months. She constantly refuses nowadays to meet up with me or to bring him along. I've seen her a total of 2 times without him as for the rest she constantly claims to have no time. Not in the week, not in the weekend, not when she has time off.
I mail her regularly, but in 85% of the mails I receive she is always telling me that her son is sick or has been sick. Either a cold, either a chestinfection, either this either that. She also tells me she constantly has to take him to the ER or that he has to stay in hospital. I've never been told any more. It's just a casual mention in her mails.
Now, a few days ago I asked if it was possible to see her again. She is also pregnant with her 2nd child and is due in April (I haven't seen her since she was pregnant). She said maybe perhaps next week but it will definitely be without my son. I asked her why? She said well he HAS to be in his bed by 6.30pm every night as he doesn't sleep during daycare. She also said "I don't know if you realise but children that age HAVE to sleep 12 hours every day". He gets up at 7am gets taken to daycare where he remains all day, then when she picks him up she barely spends one hour with him on a daily basis. And she also adds that in the weekend he MUST catch on to his lost sleep from during the week. I can't help but find all of this a touch odd.
I am 32 myself and don't yet have children, however we have a very large family with many babies and toddlers and quite a few family members find this a peculiar story the fact that she refuses for me to see him. The fact that he's constantly in hospital or ER and that he has to sleep that many hours.
We've been friends for 16 years and it's the first time she acts that strangely.
What are your thoughts on this? I am really curious to find out what your opinion is. I'm not trying to be meddlesome but if there's something up....
Thank you all so much!!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: writing out of concern
I think she's not that into you.
ok seriously though it sounds like she's just drifted apart from you. The sleep thing I can understand. The constant ER trips etc.. well maybe he has some health concerns that she is keeping private. If I were you I'd invest your energy in someone who gives more in return.
I dunno. She's your BFF and you've only seen her 4x in a year and a half?!? That is odd in itself. Do you live close to her?
That said, what do you think is going on? Abuse? problems in her marriage? Maybe her H/SO doesn't like you? (not saying that's true, or there's any reason for him not to, but does he?) Sure it seems strange, but maybe you're just not as close as you think you are....maybe she feels like you don't have anything in common and the friendship has run its course (on her end, at least).
I really don't know what I'd think if that were my friend....but I guess you can't really assume anything since you rarely see her/him. Maybe something is going on health-wise or developmentally and she wants to keep it private. Maybe meet with her and have a heart-to-heart....ask her why and see what she says.
Zenya could be right - she may not feel close to you and it purposely pulling away.
Or she's just truly really busy (kids take up time!). It sounds like she is pretty strict about his schedule. I am too. There are times of day that I don't plan doing things because DS needs to nap or go to bed. For all the times you want to get together- are you aware of what her son's schedule is? Maybe it's simply a bad time.
Also, there are times that I WANT to go out w/o my son. Love the kid more than anything, but when he's w/ me, my attention is on HIM. I can't spend as much attention on the people around me.
And back to his sleep- on the days DS goes to daycare, I know he doesn't sleep for as long or as well as he does at home and on those days, I absolutely have to put him to bed a little earlier than normal.
A lot of what you've said doesn't really raise any redflags for me, to be honest.
His being constantly sick - that might be another reason she doesn't have much time for you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It isn't uncommon for new moms to drift away from their friends. Especially if her son has been having health issues. And kids do get sick a lot, especially if he's in daycare or any activities. My first daughter came down with RSV when she was an infant and that caused some pretty rough illnesses. Even now that she's 10 she is still extra sensitive to URIs and ends up with pneumonia almost every time she gets a cold.
I also don't think early bedtimes and 12 hours of sleep are uncommon. It is the reality for many with small kids.
It does sound like she's not making your friendship a priority. Maybe it is because she's relying on your long relationship to be able to weather a this transition or maybe it is just that you've grown too far apart.
I doubt something is up.
I have a group of girlfriends that I see often. I haven't seen some of their kids in over a year. Many moms like to get out without their kids. It is certainly not worth missing a bedtime just to meet-up with a friend. What exactly are you concerned about?
Are you worried that there is abuse with her son and that's why she doesn't want you to see him?
My kids don't get sick often, but a lot of kids who are in daycare do get sick a lot.
We don't have that sort of relationship where she would act like that. We used to meet up a lot beforehand. I've done nothing but be supportive to her. She knows that she can count on me whenever needed and has done so in the past. I don't live that close maybe half an hour from where she's at.
Her husband is rarely there as he is in the military, so it can't be relating to that. her marriage is fine as far as I know.
She still mails me regularly but just does not wish to meet up. I really care for her son and for her and would have loved to be able to see him a bit more often. I would love to have a good chat with her but it's just not happening. And as that's not of her normal behaviour that's why I worry. I'm not saying abuse no, but one does ask oneself the question.
And I know if she felt that our friendship after 16 years has come to an end, she would tell me and I would accept that. I'm just concerned because it's not her usual way of doing things.
I hope her baby's fine and has no health or development issues. But again if that were the case I would accept her to want to keep it private. I'm just trying to be a good friend who is concerned about something I perceive as a touch off.
Thank you for your replies,they are most appreciated.
I think, like others said it could be any number of things going on. She could be stressed and busy now that she is a mom. This would espcially be true if she is working and has a child in childcare. That takes a lot out of you and takes up a lot of your time.
As far as him being sick all the time...he could have something wrong and she doesn't want to discuss it. Or he could just be the kind of child, like my ds is, that gets sick a lot. My ds was a preemie and we have been to the doctor and the ER so many times that I lost count. I couldn't tell you how many times in the first year we were in the ER. I missed one of my best friends wedding because I was in the ER with a sick child. Or it could be that she is a paranoid mother who thinks her son is constantly sick and needs a ton of sleep. Without talking to her about it, you just don't know.
As far as you not seeing the child, there could be a few reasons. Maybe she looks at her time out with a friend as "me" time and would rather not have her child there. Maybe she thinks you would rather not have her bring her child out. Maybe he doesn't behave very good out in public...who knows the reason.
I think if you are really concerned and she is a good friend then you should ask her. Otherwise, you are just going to be guessing any number of reasons as to what is going on.
1. For a best friend, you certainly don't see or communicate that much.
2. A 17 month old child does need 12 hours of sleep, IMO, every night.
3. If there is a health issue going on, it is completely plausible that she doesn't want to hash it out.
Docmay, sorry to hear that your ds gets sick often. I hope and pray he'll be well and strong soon!!
Oh of course I would understand it if she wanted to meet up with me and without her ds and that's logic but it's a bit upsetting to me that I have no idea what he looks like and that I haven't seen him in over a year. I can also understand that she's super busy but as I am unemployed at this moment in time I could meet up whenever it would suit her and her ds shedule. I wouldn't want to upset that of course. She does know how much I'd love to see him as well, I've asked her numerous times but again.. no can do.
The only time I know I'll see her is when she had her second baby in April and I hope her ds will be there too, would be lovely to see him.
Well I guess I rather feel a touch overprotective and prefer to check with others.
Thank you all again!
We mail each other quite often, weekly. It's not my fault about the meeting up part. I want to but she declines. So there isn't much I can do about that.
We don't have that sort of relationship where she would act like that.
I'm just concerned because it's not her usual way of doing things.
But kids absolutely change the dynamics of relationships! She is a mom now - she doesn't have the same time or flexibililty that she once had she simply can't have the "same sort" of relationship w/ you as she used to.
ESPECIALLY if her DH is hardly there. I have to plan on being a single mom for 2 out of every 3 weeks. It absolutely limits me in what I can do.
Have you offered to go to her house and just hang out there w/ her? Recently, in trying to make plans w/ 2 different friends, they each did this - they just said "Hey, I'll come to your house! That will be easier for you.". And it was, and we had a great time. Maybe you do do this, but you keep talking about wanting to "meet up" which makes it sound like you want to go out somewhere w/ her.
Taking a child out and about (much less one who is prone to getting sick) isn't always all that easy or fun. Especially if she's worried about his sleep. By my friends coming to me, I can still put him down to bed and we can stay up and talk!
Honestly, you seem to not really "get" how having a child changes a persons life and this might be a direct reason why she doesn't seem that eager to make things work to see you. SHE might be frustrated that you're always asking her to "meet up" and she's thinking "I just told her DS was sick and now she wants me to go out and meet her?!".
I could be entirely off base - just putting out there for you to think about in case there is some truth to it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I would definitely offer to go to her place and help her out, she's basically a single mom! I would not expect her to bring her kid out to meet up with you somewhere, nor leave her kid with a sitter.
If she turns down your help, I'd flat out ask her if there was some issue. Then I'd just let the friendship go until she's ready to make an effort.
I've constantly offered to meet up at her house, when it is convenient for her. Of course not when her son is sick. I have offered to come around and help but she refuses saying she's just fine. When I say "meet up" I don't mean that it has to be somewhere out of her house, I'm more than pleased to go visit her or help her if she needs me.
Ginger, I think that might be the easiest thing to do, ask her if there is an issue.
And no, I don't really understand how it is to have a child. I do admit to that.
My H travels. I didn't do much during the first 6 months of LO's life, either. My house was a mess, I was a no-makeup leaky bf-ing catnapping mess.
I'd ask her what she would like to do, if you really want to see her. You do seem kind of clueless as to the time consuming nature of having a baby. I'd suggest lunch near her work, as she might be able to see you then.