Major Step-Daughter Vent
I may get some flames for this but I just have to vent. My DH had a three year old daughter when we met and I had a three year old son. Her birth mom was not in the picture and neither was my son's birth father. They are both 5 years old now. From the beginning, SD had some behavior problems but they have gotten so severe. It's starting to effect my marriage. She's violent, very aggressive towards my son (who has always been very quiet and passive), and is disrespectful to everyone. She has gotten in trouble in preschool for hitting her teachers, throwing toys at kids, not following directions and basically doing whatever she pleases. At home she is so destructive. She writes on the walls, breaks things on purpose, urinated in trash can even though the toilet was RIGHT there. She lies about me to DH all the time. I have done nothing but love her and try to be a good mom to her so I don't know what her problem is. She will tell my husband that I'm mean to her, that I hit her, call her names,etc and none of which is true. She also lies about my son hitting her and later admits that she doesn't know why she lies. Even little things like sticking her tongue out at me, making mean faces, etc...when I tell her to stop doing that she'll say to DH "Mommy's lying, I'm not doing anything!" This is where the flames may come in but I just have to vent...
I'm getting to the point where I can't stand being around her. The couple hours that I have at home in the morning while she is at school are like heaven. Driving to go pick her up instantly puts me in a bad mood because I know what's ahead. It's making me depressed and taking my two other children's happy mommy away and it's not fair to them. I'm miserable every day with her. I feel trapped. I can't even leave my house because I can't take her out in public without her throwing a tantrum or having a meltdown. I know she's a child and I shouldn't have these feelings towards her but as soon as I try to think positively about the situation, she goes and scribbles in my wedding album or puts my keys in the toilet. It's a never-ending battle with her. I love my DH with all of my heart but my step-daughter makes me long for my old life before I met them. She's already had one mom walk out on her so I can't make it two but I don't know what to do. I have no point to this except to get it off my chest and maybe ask for advice if any of you have been in a similar situation. We already have her in counseling but it's not helping. If you read through all of this you deserve a cookie.
Re: Major Step-Daughter Vent
The hardest thing that I've lived through is trying to put myself in my SD's shoes. What's making her tick? There are things that I don't understand, but I have to ask myself what's causing the issue.
I don't have the behavior with SD like I do with my own DS. He is outspoken (not in a bad way), hyperactive, and constantly wanting to entertain people. We ran some tests and found out that he has propriosensory issues where he doesn't fully understand the sensations from his muscles.
It's okay to feel overwhelmed! I do on a very regular basis because I know that the report from school is not always going to be great.
Where is H in all of this? Does he discipline? Does he believe the girl about you hitting her? If so, then you guys need to have a talk and handle your issues then get after her TOGETHER. If he's not disciplining her, then I can fully understand your frustration. You have to be united or she will continue to divide.
What has been done to help this little girl? Is she in counseling?
What is the routine in the household? Is there consistency between the way you and your H handle her? How the two of you treat her vs how the other two are treated? This are really tough questions to answer honestly, but this little girl is screaming for attention, and there is a reason for that.
ETA-I missed where you said you have her in counseling. If it's not working, find a new counselor. Sometimes it takes some trail and error to find one that works. Good luck.
Most of the problems lie with my husband and the way he disciplines. He is very easy on her and lets her get away with a lot. He feels sorry for her when she is disciplined. He definitely doesn't believe her when she says that I hit her because he's seen situations where she thought he wasn't looking and accused me but he saw that I wasn't anywhere near her. He's spoken to her about this and she admits to lying, but it still continues. I feel like the bad guy in the situation because I feel like the only way to fix this is being consistent in disciplining her for her actions but DH is very inconsistent. Sometimes he'll back me up when I put her in time out and other times he'll tell her she doesn't have to be in time out when I put her in it. It's really frustrating.
I completely agree that she is screaming for attention. We do everything we can to show them all equal attention but for some reason it's like she craves the negative attention.
Just lurking here...are you sure your SD does not have some sort of developmental delay? Hitting her teachers and urinating in the trash are not normal behaviors.
I have a daughter with autism and I have seen these sort of behaviors from her classmates with other disbailities....most of them have no clue it is unacceptable when they are doing it. I would try and have her evaluated by a pediatric neuroligist ASAP. Good luck.
All of this. Being a parent isn't always about being nicey friends with your children, which it sounds like you understand but that your H doesn't. The longer he tolerates her behavior by being easy on her, the worse she is going to get. She needs a new counselor and your H needs to work with the counselor to come up with goals/parenting plans/discipline techniques that will work for her. He also needs someone, other than you apparently, to explain to him what a terrible situation he is creating for his daughter. No one wants to be around the unruly out of control child, and she shouldn't have to suffer in the long run bc he refuses to step up and be a parent.
You may need to disengage and force him to acknowledge and deal with his child's behavior. You may want to ask him how he would be if the situations were reversed and you didn't effectively parent.
Agree with a new counselor OR you and your H having a real honest no sugarcoating session alone with the current counselor.
I am personally dealing with my own DD in intensive counseling for abandonment issues. My DD is 14. I wrote a post about it maybe a month ago if you want to look it up. To summarize my DD was self hurting but she was also craving so much attention it didn't matter if it's negative or positive. You can PM me if you want.
I looked this up and she does have a lot of the symptoms. I'll talk to her counselor about it, thanks.
You're welcome.
I am in the EXACT same situation, except that SD is now 11 (I came into the picture when she was 8).
We have found that since what she is looking for is negative attention, don't give her any attention whatsoever when she is negative. Over praise her when she is positive. If she's making faces at you, ignore her. If she's talking back to you, stop talking to her. If she is writing on the walls, take away anything she can use to write with. When you do punish her, make it as casual as possible. Tell her what it is, make her do it, and then drop it. I guess what I mean by that is use as little emotion and words as possible. She wants to get to you, don't let her see that she does get to you.
Another thing we found helpful was taking her to a counselor that would be blunt with her. Playing the "baby" game with her was just feeding into her desire for attention. When we specifically asked the therapist to be very blunt with SD, it did wonders. SD seemed to think that I was the only person who felt she was being bad, and that she could manipulate everyone else into thinking she's an angel. We had the therapist tell her basically, "Your behavior is not okay and I see straight though you". I think SD was so shocked that another adult didn't buy her manipulation game that she backed off the game a little.
As far as DH, he has got to come around and parent with you. When she goes to him and lies about you he needs to let her know that he is not stupid and knows that it is a lie. He also needs to not give her negative attention when she's bad. Just positive attention when she is good.
I hope this helps!
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I'm just lurking, too, but I have to second this. The behaviors you describe sound very extreme. I would reccomend mentioning your concerns to your SD's pediatrician and going from there. Depending upon the type of counselor she is currently seeing, they may not be qualified to do a full evaluation and/or treat certain disorders appropriately. The sooner you can figure out if there is something more going on, the easier it will be for everyone.
I think you need to get her into some kind of counseling. Good luck, and I hope you can work this out.
If you've read any of my posts yet - I too have a SD who is out of control (she is 8) and a DH (or soon to be we are getting married on May 21) - who is too nice. He has the same exact problem!
I suggest this book - I started reading it and it shows that being too aggressive is bad and being too nice is just as bad if not worse! https://www.keepkidshealthy.com/reviews/parenting_books/setting_limits.html
I'm only about 3 chapters into this book - but already it is changing my thought process towards my SD - because I too felt like I was in hell at my own house!
Good luck and if you want to vent I would love to listen - it's always great to hear someone say what I'm feeling
Thank you for the book recommendation, i'll definitely check that out! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has gone through this.