DA 'less than' IA - Ever experienced this?

katiej23

So my husband and I are in the domestic adoption (DA) process, working with a national agency to adopt a newborn.  Something that we have ran into quite a bit that I was NOT expecting is the attitude that adopting here in the states and especially adopting a newborn is 'less than' adopting internationally.  As soon as we mention that we are adopting, the first question has always been "Where from?!?" and then as soon as I say that we are adopting from the good ol' U S of A, the faces fall a bit.  Then, when I say that we will be adopting a newborn, it tends to turn to a look of nearly what I would call distaste.

 

I don't know if this is because we have a (young) bio daughter and could presumably have more, so people think we shouldn't adopt a newborn?  Or that newborns don't 'need' homes as much as children in other countries?  No matter the reasoning, it's getting a bit disheartening.  We are certainly NOT adopting to get anyone's approval of course, but it sure gets old having to 'explain' ourselves. 

 

Has anyone else noticed this attitude?

 

(For the record, I think IA is awesome and we do hope to pursue it later in life, but we think that for our family keeping birth order is important so at this time it wouldn't work out.)

Dr.Loretta

As with any decision regarding parenting children, this one is going to get judgment from people no matter what you decide to do. If you go DA, people wonder why you're not "saving" a child from an impoverished country, or "rescuing" a child from foster care. If you go international, they'll wonder why you couldn't just stay within your own country when so many foster kids need homes. If you go foster/adopt, they'll wonder how "broken" your child will be and why you didn't "just buy a baby from China". You can't win, so you have to be the one to take the high road.

FWIW, we've never gotten comments about how we should have adopted. We have had several people (mostly those who haven't met DD) whose first question is where she's from. They always look strange when I say, "Pennsylvania". They also assume her birthmom is 16.

katiej23

fredalina:

We adopted our foster daughter and got a few "those kids have problems, you should just adopt from China"s and a whole lot of "where are you adopting from?"  My nephew looked at Charlotte and asked if she was Chinese lmao. 

 

 

Ha!  You never can 'win'.  

MrsKolasa

Dr.Loretta:

As with any decision regarding parenting children, this one is going to get judgment from people no matter what you decide to do. If you go DA, people wonder why you're not "saving" a child from an impoverished country, or "rescuing" a child from foster care. If you go international, they'll wonder why you couldn't just stay within your own country when so many foster kids need homes. If you go foster/adopt, they'll wonder how "broken" your child will be and why you didn't "just buy a baby from China". You can't win, so you have to be the one to take the high road.

This.

katiej23

MrsKolasa:

Dr.Loretta:

As with any decision regarding parenting children, this one is going to get judgment from people no matter what you decide to do. If you go DA, people wonder why you're not "saving" a child from an impoverished country, or "rescuing" a child from foster care. If you go international, they'll wonder why you couldn't just stay within your own country when so many foster kids need homes. If you go foster/adopt, they'll wonder how "broken" your child will be and why you didn't "just buy a baby from China". You can't win, so you have to be the one to take the high road.

This.

 I must say though, just like people acting like they know better than you do at other parenting decisions, it's frustrating.   At least for people pleasers like myself.  I'm oddly glad it's not just us experiencing it!

hway24

It definately is frustrating! Everyone has an opinion. I've actually gotten more people say that it's good were adopting domestically "because there's so many kids in our country that need help" and stuff along those lines. Which, of course doesn't really have anything to do with our decision, and kinda bugs me. People are usually surprised when I say we'll be adopting a newborn. I guess they automatically assume it has to be an older child if you adopt domestically.

farmweddinggirl

Almost every single person, upon learning we were adopting, asked "Where from?!"  I always felt a bit sheepish or indignant responding "Oh, just America."

My guess is that once W. is a bit older, people will ask us where's from and may be disappointed or surprised to hear that he's "just" from California.

I think people are more familiar with since IAs since that tends to be more common among celebrities, and IA adoptions get more press.

The other thing people always say is "How wonderful of you to be adopting/have adopted!" which always makes me laugh a bit inside since DH and I are the lucky ones in this scenario. We feel so blessed to have W.

 

JulieFe

My principal was my work reference, so I went to him with the happy news about our upcoming adoption. He adopted internationally, and when I told him that we were going to adopt an older child from our county agency, he immediately asked, "Why aren't you going to adopt from overseas?"

I was taken aback, and it made me not want to discuss it with him anymore.  I felt like I had to justify why I wasn't going the international adoption route.   His comment didn't make any sense back in October---and still doesn't!

I actually have heard the opposite viewpoint---"kids need homes in the U.S., so I judge those who go overseas."  Both attitudes are irritating. 

CarFar

I have noticed that a lot of people ASSUME we'll be adopting internationally when we tell them we're adopting, but I've never felt judgement when we tell them that we are doing domestic adoption.

I'm sorry that you've been faced with that. Really why can't people just be happy for you to add to your family and leave the HOW up to you ? == sigh ==

JanieJones

The receptionist at my Doctor's office didn't even know you could do domestic adoptions!  She immigrated to Canada not long ago, and when I said we'd be probably getting a local child she was so confused, she thought you could only do adoptions from Russia, China, etc. 

I have to say though, once i explained it she wouldn't let me leave he office she was so  interested.  It was like 140 questions all about adoption.