Communication issues.....a vent and need advice
I wanted to know do your DH or FH talk to their childrens mothers about things other than the baby? And what other things do they talk about?
I am asking because I have issues with him talking to her about anything other than the kids, and her new boyfriend just left her, and she has been calling him to consult in. He says its because he is thinking about her doing something stupid in front of his daughter, or in the plcae his daughter stays, but I just do not like it. Is this one of those time where I need to be patient? or what can I do other than tell him how uncomfortable it makes me? because I have told him that time and time again, and he thinks talking to her in front of me is suppose to me it better. I even offered to drive down there to get is daughter until she gets herself back together, but that wasnt an option neither.
Re: Communication issues.....a vent and need advice
My DH talks to his ex...not a lot and most of it starts out kid related, but sometimes they get into side conversations about family or friends or whatever. It doesn't bug me. The way I feel is if he still wanted to be with her...he would be. He's with me. That's the only security and reassurance I need.
I feel like they need to have a relationship, and be friendly/nice to each other at least on the surface because it's good for the kids.
Now, as far as him feeling like his ex might be a danger to the daughter, that's a whole other issue. He needs to step in, maybe get the courts involved, and protect his child.
I can see where you are coming from. BM is getting divorced and has been quite chatty lately. It's all harmless and DH gives me the run down on what was discussed. I have had a couple freakout attacks over it thinking 'omg what if she SEDUCES him!?'. And then I snap back to reality. lol. If your H loves you, you have to trust in that. If you don't have trust then what do you have? It's like that in any relationship. I always tell myself, there is no way they would be communicating if it werent' for SS, so stop stressing. If you start dictating to him what he can and cannot talk about with his ex wife he is going to start getting pissed at you for not trusting him.
If your H is concerned about his daughters safety, that's an entirely different issue. He needs to get the right parties involved. Is there a background reason as to why he would be afraid for his child? If I were scared for my child my only course of action would not be to be 'nice' to my ex to keep them from tetering over the edge.
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I don't ever talk to my XH about anything unrelated to DS. Ever. But we aren't friends, we don't really get along, XH has the social skills of a pencil, and I don't feel like making an effort to overcome that.
You should feel like you can tell your H that it makes you uncomfortable, and he should be able to give you some reassurance. If his answers don't comfort you, then I think you need to try and figure out where your insecurity is coming from...
And to be totally honest, I would have real problems with my DH if I ever said to him "it makes me really uncomfortable when you do X," and he blew me off and kept doing it. That's just not what you do if you care about someone--provided that person's concerns are reasonable (which I think yours are).
He is more worried about his daughter being in front of her while she is upset. And he doesnt want to her drink and have guys over while his daughter is there. That is the biggest thing he is worried about.
Have issues, because about a year ago when he and I first started dating. She went through this same type of thing, she ran to him for comfort, and he ended up leaving me for her. They got back together for 2 months, and sparated again. He keeps telling me it was the past, and it was, but I cant help but feel de ja vu.
I can honestly trust him in any other area but when it comes to her, because he has done this to me before. I am not sure if I should consider calling off the wedding or what? Because he is dead set on him doing the right thing when it comes to her. I even sent her a text and offered her my sympathy and ear, and she called him and told him about it, to try to start ***.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
I think based on the above, then, yes I can totally understand why this is upsetting to you. In a nomral blended family, I think it is fairly normal for divorced couples to chat about other things, on a friendly level.
I wouldn't call off your wedding based on this, unless he has betrayed you since you've been back together. Maybe pre-martial counseling would help, just to help your fiance understand what kind of boundaries he should set with his ex and keep, in order to have a solid relationship with you. GL!
Based on that, I would not be with this man. If he cheated with her once, what makes you think he won't do it again?
Personally, yes, I would call off the wedding and be out the door.
He's dismissing your concerns about a woman with whom he has a history of cheating on you. If, by some miracle, he changed or whatever, there should be 100% transparency and he should be giving you ZERO reason for concern. He should be going out of his way and moving mountains so that you don't worry about what's going on. And that's not happening.
Did he cheat? Or did they break up for a bit?
I know for me, BM and DH had been separated for about 2 years when we met but the divorce was not final (waiting for a forensic evaluation of value of his business.) DH had a lot of fears about what divorce would do to his son because of things that happened to him after his own parents' divorce. BM asked him to consider trying to work things out again at some point. Though we were dating seriously, it was around the time where SS was having trouble transitioning for the first time and DH really freaked out. He felt he needed to give it one last shot. He told me. We broke up. They went to counseling. It didn't work. We do.
I'm not saying this is the same as OP. But if they broke up and got back together it is different from cheat. THAT much said I would have HUGE problem if DH was being a sympathetic shoulder for her to cry on about her love life AND he wasn't considering how it made me feel. OP I think you need to seriously hash out with DH what his concerns about future SD are and what he can do to help her without inappropiately communication with BM. If he can't see what is wrong with the current situation, then I agree might be time to put on your walking shoes.
I dont think that they should be talking about anything else but your SK. I agree to be friendly and have good communication but there are boundaries.
If he has cheated on you with her before he should KNOW that he shouldnt even be having this kind of relationship with her. He should not be her shoulder to cry on.
I don't thiknk you should call of the wedding or run because he has cheated on you before. In these cases I think both women and men try and go back to their babys mom/dad to make it work for the kids even if there are no feelings there.
I would definately tell him that you don't feel comfortable with him having this kind of relationship with her. Tell him you understand that they need to have communication for SK but that's it. Good luck.
No he didnt cheat on either one of us. Ok here is a little more history of us. Me and him started dating about 2 months after he spearted from her. We had been friends for years, we met through a college roommate. When we were about 6 months in, and she found out he was dating me she tried like hell to get him back. calling me, sending facebook and text messages and so forth so on.
They had 2 children during their marriage. A little girl, who is his, and a little boy whom he found out at 4 mths wasnt his ( hence the separtation). At this time when she was trying to break us up, she tells him he will no longer get to see the little boy (whom he continued taking care of like his own), which oviously hurt him. I mean he went through the whole pregancy, delivery, and 4 months thinking this little boy was his, as far as he is concerned he was. (sorry if this paragraph is a little confusing and jerry spring like lol)
So here is the break up. He was going to take one of his friends to see his gf who lives at the beach. He decided he was going to take the opportunity to take his daughter to the beach, since his son was just taken from him. I had to work so I said have fun see you next week (also at this time, she would not let him have his kids around me, because she hates my face). One night during that week, I get a phoen call from him, and it ended up being her telling me all this crazy *** about how he was going to leave me, and he wanted her, and blah blah. I kicked him out. He comes back, starts moving his stuff back in, after she did this she than thought it was acceptable that the kids come up to our place so they come back with him. He goes to take them back, and he calls me and says he wants to try to make it work for the kids, he like the way his daughter is around him and her mother. And not at our place, where she has never been before I think I would also add.
A week after he went back and got his stuff out of my place. They were both calling me starting ***. Him telling me how big of a mistake he made. And her telling me how aweful i was, because he did nothing but sulk over me while he was there ( mind you I am not talking to either one of them). That lasted a month. He went to a party, got shot, and moved back here, asked me to be his wife in a nutshell.
They are supposed to be divorced in the next month. They are finally finishing the CO. We go to court the week after next. And than this happens.....I am freaked.
Do you have kids with him? Your engaged to him?
If you don't have any kids then I would definately break up with him. Sorry to say if you marry him, you will most likely have drama all your life. BM sounds like an evil witch. Trust me someone like her will make it her goal to make your lives hell. Yes she'll have distractions with BF and might even get married BUT ppl like her will never be happy enough to leave you alone and let you be happy. I would definately leave him and find someone else that doesn't have all this drama going on. It might be hard in the beginning but it will be so much better for you. If you marry him you're going to end up regretting it. Especially once you bring your own child into this crazy situation. It will make you feel really bad. Once you break up with him, find someone else, get married and have children with them you're going to look back and say THANK GOD I got out of that crazy situation.
I think I am acting very mature. I actually got him to ask her if she wanted us to take her, well both of them so she could go out or do whatever it was that she needed to do to pull herself together. I know how it feels to be hurt, but she should not be crying and sobbing in front of their child like she has been doing, getting their daughter upset.
I did not have a problem with him talking to her the first time. But the rest of the night and the next day, I do have a problem with. She needs to talk to her gf or someone else about it. If i am immature by feeling she should not be running to him for comfort, than so be it. But there is telling him whats going on, and than there is crying on the phone for hours with him, and him feeling guilty about getting off.
and btw, last week when she was suppose to be moving in with this new guy, my FH was the biggest *** there was and her bf was going to be a better father to their daughter than he was. And he is an amazing father, I may be biased, but I cant wait to have kids with him.
No we do not have any kids, and we are getting married in May. I think about the drama all the time. and I think a lot about whether I want to bring kids into. Because he and i are a interacial couple, and his daughter has come a lot to both of us and said my mommy or my grandma says that black people are suppose to be with black people and white people are suppose to be with white people. I think a lot about.
However he is talking about trying to get custody of thier daughter too. If that happens, I would be very happy about it. Because at least she will be in a more stable situation. Her BM is a very good mother, but I agree with him, that me and him ar more stable than she is right now.
I have made up my mind about him. I can't wait to be his wife. I was asking about what is was apporiate for him and BM to talk about on the phone. I basically wanted to see if I was being dramatic to be mad over this. I am new to all of this, so sometimes it is nice to see what other do, to see if it is really appropriate or not. And sometimes it is nice to vent.
Why are you still with this douchenugget? Call of the wedding, cut your losses and move on.
Sounds like I misunderstood where you were coming from and probably read it too fast, I apologize!
I can honestly trust him in any other area but when it comes to her, because he has done this to me before. I am not sure if I should consider calling off the wedding or what? Because he is dead set on him doing the right thing when it comes to her.
Um, sorry, but to me, this looks like the complete opposite of what you just said. You ARE asking if you should marry this douche canoe. People gave you their opinions. If you have your mind made up then don't ask if you should or shouldn't marry him. Just sayin'.
FWIW, I think it sounds like a big soap opera, and I wouldn't want any part of it. But, as you said, you've made up your mind. Clearly.
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"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."