uggghh, I have no patience with dd - help

ready2go

dd2 is 3.5 and is seriously exhausting.  everything is a battle.  she wants to do eveyrthing herself - if I so much as TOUCH her clothes while she's getting dressed, she literally has to start all over to do everything alone -- she'll remove all clothes and begin again.  It is MADDENING (esp. b/c she still needs help with lots of things).  Just this week, in addition to not wanting me to touch her, she now doesn't want me to LOOK at her while she gets dressed.  Picking out clothes is also exhausting - she wants to wear things like bathing suits, snow pants, rain boots, pajamas, etc.  NOT normal clothes.  I have to fight every single day to get clothes on her.  It sounds cute - and it was for about 1 day - but I have to get to work.  I cant' do this battle every.single.day. 

HELP.  how do I make this easier so we don't have to battle every day?  It's been at least a month of this extreme behavior (before that it was occasional - not every day)

femmegem

Can you put away the things she absolutely cannot wear (bathing suits, for example) and then just allow her to wear whatever else she might pick out, even though it might look silly? Honestly, DS has worn pajamas to school before. It's not that bad. IMO, as long as she's covered properly for the weather, it's not a battle worth fighting.

CherryStarburst

femmegem:

Can you put away the things she absolutely cannot wear (bathing suits, for example) and then just allow her to wear whatever else she might pick out, even though it might look silly? Honestly, DS has worn pajamas to school before. It's not that bad. IMO, as long as she's covered properly for the weather, it's not a battle worth fighting.

I agree with this, we used to let DS walk around with his pants on backwards because that's how he wanted them :P. Also maybe you could pick out outfits with her the night before instead of in the morning.

JillShari

My first thought sounds harsh, but then maybe she'd learn... I'd let her wear the inapprorpriate clothes and not fight her... pack in her bag for school appropriate clothes and tell her teacher...and let her get cold and uncomfortable...then she'd learn. 

Secondly, you could pack away anything inappropriate.

Thirdly, you can pick out the clothes she will wear the night before at bedtime with a "no change" policy.  And see what happens.

No one will think you are a bad mom if you let her dress herself inappropriately...she is trying to assert her independence and this is how she is choosing to do so.  Let her make her own mistakes... the consequences are small at this point and not worth the stress it causes you.  Try to give her some other outlets for her to express herself in and see if that helps... some say over some other aspect of her life.

Good luck... got to pick your battles.

Zenya

I read a tip yesterday to do '50/50'.  That she gets to pick one item and then you get to pick the matching item.  Have her pool of available stuff not include bathing suits, etc.

Personally I wouldn't let a kid go to school in PJ's or a bathing suit or whatever.  

ready2go

sorry - I shoud have said that she does pick out her clothes the night before.  I wish that helped.  By the morning, she either doesn't like that outfit or...more frustratingly...decides she doesn't like them once they are already ON her.  but she is definitely the one picking out the clothes.  I don't care if they look ridiculous (i.e. striped dresses, heart covered tights, rain boots that look like bees - that's a favorite look) as long as they are actual clothes and (somewhat) weather appropriate

Andrewsgal

All clothes are picked out the night before and that is it,stick to it and the morning fights will end. She is not allowed to change anything in the morning right down to socks. The only clothes she even has to pick from are weather appropriate clothing. There is no reason a swimsuit should even be around to pick from. 

Zenya

Andrewsgal:

All clothes are picked out the night before and that is it,stick to it and the morning fights will end. She is not allowed to change anything in the morning right down to socks. The only clothes she even has to pick from are weather appropriate clothing. There is no reason a swimsuit should even be around to pick from. 

In that case, I agree with this.  Sometimes too much choice makes kids freak out a bit.  If she's already choosing the night before then I'd  anticipate a few days of battles and then hopefully that'll wrap it up.  

I know DD just went through the 'I DO IT' phase where if I helped her with her shoe if we were in a hurry she'd immediately take it off and want to start from scratch.  In that case I'd take the shoes from her and she'd get in the car barefoot and we'd put them on when we got to our destination. She would lose hershit but I'd rather her lose hers than me losing mine  

EastCoastBride

ready2go:

sorry - I shoud have said that she does pick out her clothes the night before.  I wish that helped.  By the morning, she either doesn't like that outfit or...more frustratingly...decides she doesn't like them once they are already ON her.  but she is definitely the one picking out the clothes.  I don't care if they look ridiculous (i.e. striped dresses, heart covered tights, rain boots that look like bees - that's a favorite look) as long as they are actual clothes and (somewhat) weather appropriate

It's going to be a battle for a few days, but this is another one of those situations where you have to set the rule and stick to it - once the clothes are picked out, that's it.  Once they are on, that's it. 

She changes her mind because she can and because she's testing you. How far can she go?  Yes - it will suck for a few days to stand firm, but this is an example of where kids do need to learn boundaries.

ready2go

EastCoastBride:

ready2go:

sorry - I shoud have said that she does pick out her clothes the night before.  I wish that helped.  By the morning, she either doesn't like that outfit or...more frustratingly...decides she doesn't like them once they are already ON her.  but she is definitely the one picking out the clothes.  I don't care if they look ridiculous (i.e. striped dresses, heart covered tights, rain boots that look like bees - that's a favorite look) as long as they are actual clothes and (somewhat) weather appropriate

It's going to be a battle for a few days, but this is another one of those situations where you have to set the rule and stick to it - once the clothes are picked out, that's it.  Once they are on, that's it. 

She changes her mind because she can and because she's testing you. How far can she go?  Yes - it will suck for a few days to stand firm, but this is an example of where kids do need to learn boundaries.

I agree that she's testing me and changes her mind b/c I allow it.  I def like the suggestion of once clothes are picked out, that's it, but how do I enforce this?  she's obv the one taking her own clothes off - not me. 

ready2go

just wanted to say that I feel like one of those crazy posters that asks for advice and then disputes it all ;-)

I'm not trying to do that --- I just have tried most of these things OR am not sure how to enforce them (like how do I get a 3.5 yo NOT to take their clothes off).  I will just have to try again and be consistent with it!

Zenya

ready2go:

just wanted to say that I feel like one of those crazy posters that asks for advice and then disputes it all ;-)

I'm not trying to do that --- I just have tried most of these things OR am not sure how to enforce them (like how do I get a 3.5 yo NOT to take their clothes off).  I will just have to try again and be consistent with it!

I'd let her take her clothes off and put her in the car without clothes.  then get her dressed when you get there.  I mean that's what I do with DD and her shoes.  It seems a little drastic to do it with clothes but I try not to get physical when I'm frustrated with my kids (like forcing clothes back on them or whatever).   

Andrewsgal

Get her dressed and throw her in her carseat, don't give her a reason or time to get undressed.

mylove2005

I went through something similar and what I did that worked for me is we picked out 2 outfits the night before and then she could choose what ever she wanted from those outfits.  That worked well for us there were days that she looked silly but we both picked out the outfits the night before and she could mix or match them as she wanted.

august06mom

Do you do time outs? DS went through a similar phase -- I told him if he tried to change his clothes again, he would be in a timeout for not listening. We had to do it once or twice, so try to build in an extra five minutes or so in the morning at first to plan for it. (Nothing more frustrating than needing to do a timeout when you're already late!)

WhiteOrchid.

I guess I'm a hard ass because there's no way this would fly in my house. I have a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old, so I know quite a bit about battling them and the desire to do things themselves. I pick my battles. DD2 is at the point where she wants to put shoes on herself and buckle her carseat. I'll allow her to do the shoes if we have time, but she knows that if we're in a rush I'm just going to throw them on myself. I don't allow her to buckle herself in. This causes tantrums half the time, but I am not about to give in on it.

If I were in your position, I would dress her myself (flailing and screaming be damned), carry her to the car, and buckle her in. If she screams, she screams. It will eventually get easier and she'll learn that this is something she can't bargain with you about. I'm sorry you're having to battle her on this, but you just have to put your foot down and end the waivering.

Andrewsgal

WhiteOrchid.:

I guess I'm a hard ass because there's no way this would fly in my house. I have a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old, so I know quite a bit about battling them and the desire to do things themselves. I pick my battles. DD2 is at the point where she wants to put shoes on herself and buckle her carseat. I'll allow her to do the shoes if we have time, but she knows that if we're in a rush I'm just going to throw them on myself. I don't allow her to buckle herself in. This causes tantrums half the time, but I am not about to give in on it.

If I were in your position, I would dress her myself (flailing and screaming be damned), carry her to the car, and buckle her in. If she screams, she screams. It will eventually get easier and she'll learn that this is something she can't bargain with you about. I'm sorry you're having to battle her on this, but you just have to put your foot down and end the waivering.

i think you and I have the same style of parenting. I don't play these games either and I would do the same thing, heck I do the same thing. 

femmegem

I agree with Zenya. Take her out without clothes on if she takes them off. I had todo this with DS once. Only once. He learned real fast. Just throw her coat on and startout the door. She'll likely get it before you have to even get her in the car.

jlw2505

Put the off season stuff away or at least up high in the closet so she can't see it but you can get to it when needed.  Have her pick out her clothes the night before - if it doesn't match, who cares.  Wake her up early by 10 mins or whatever you feel she needs.  Once she is up, tell her to get dressed and you'll be back in 5 mins or 10 mins (again based on how much time she needs).  Tell her that if she needs help, she should call you.  Kids love to do things themself and it is a great learning thing - let her try and she will ask if she needs help.  You could also tell her that if she is not ready by the time the timer goes off, that you will help her get finished and set the timer for 5-10 mins and go get ready, have some coffee or whatever.  DOing this with my kids helps so much and they do ask for help after they try doing it themself.

debs1018

Andrewsgal:

All clothes are picked out the night before and that is it,stick to it and the morning fights will end. She is not allowed to change anything in the morning right down to socks. The only clothes she even has to pick from are weather appropriate clothing. There is no reason a swimsuit should even be around to pick from. 

 

Why not? My son has swimsuits in his drawer because he takes a swim class 1x week. I have to assume that there are other kids that also take swim classes in the winter. I do agree with the others, pick it out the night before and stick to it. Good luck!