Anyone else have a needy mother?!

rachellaura86

OMG, I swear it is going to drive me insane. To make a very long story short, my mother is severely depressed, has diabetes, had a minor stroke a couple years ago .She was able to recover from the stroke, but she never really got healthy again. Her mental health is REALLY bad and she is very insecure. She refuses to see therapists and essentially sits in the house all day.

I am an only child so her focus is 100000000000000% on me. She is probably the most caring mother in the world, but to the point where I feel suffocated sometimes. I really like being independent and a private person, so it has always been a struggle between us. Sometimes I feel guilty, like if we were closer she would be happier.

She expects to talk on the phone every day, ESPECIALLY now that I'm pregnant. I hate the phone and usually dont even have. I get at least 5 emails a day about decorating ideas. I keep telling her how tired I have been and how I dont like the phone. But my dad was telling me how happy I made her the other day by having a very long chat with her about my pregnancy and he keeps pushes me to talk to her every day. He says it really helps her.

I know she thinks about me and my pregnancy 24/7. She is sitting in the house making lists and coming up with ideas all day. Meanwhile, I am SOOOOOOOOOOO busy and tired. I work full time, and starting my own small business on the side, so essentially I am working 2 full time jobs while pregnant. I am fatigued and also trying to save energy for my hubby too. It just grates me that my mom needs to talk to me every day... why cant she focus on herself instead of me? She said I'll understand when I have my daughter, and I'm sure I will to some extent. I just feel like why does her happiness depend on ME every single day? 

I feel like it will be even worse when the baby arrives!! Ahhhh!

love4999

I am also an only child.  My mother is a widow, so I have to help her make all of her decisions (even though she never wants to listen to me!).  I told my husband that more than one child was a must because it is hard to "take care" of a parent on your own.  I wish I had siblings to help bare some of the weight.

There is no easy way to tell a mother not to call so often!  Maybe "miss" a call and only call back when you have a lot to talk about.  I often do that and blame it on a mess that the dog made, or that my daughter was having a melt down.  Not nice to lie, I know, but it may be the easiest way to reach a comfortable amount of communication.

Good luck to you!

klv

I could have written almost this exact thing about my MIL.  Diabetic, doesnt take care of her self, depressed, in denial, DH is an only child, widow, must contact DH every day.

Drives us crazy.  No idea what you can do about it, but I know how you feel.

rachellaura86

Thanks guys. I know there is really no solution to this problem, but wanted to hear from people who could relate. It is so frustrating. I personally think its ridiculous that my mother needs to talk to me every day in order to feel secure. There are some days where I just dont want to talk to anyone! She takes everything so personally. Sometimes I do "miss" her calls and often cut our convos short.

My dad is really pushing the issue though, in telling me how I can improve her mood so much just with a call. Its a lot of pressure, feeling like I have the power to make her happy or unhappy in how much I communicate with her.  I personally feel like I shouldnt enable her and give in to her need to talk constantly. But then I feel guilty.

It really stinks. I just feel like I have enough going on in my life and my mother has so many things in her life she should be focusing on, like her health. Its just very suffocating.

mcwhittaker

First off, she needs to see a counselor. She has classic Dependant personality disorder from the sound of it.

Second, you need to set boundaries for your own sanity, and your father needs to support YOU not her. It is NOT your job to entertain your mother or be her sole source of happiness.

My Mom is like this and has been since my father passed 6 years ago. Previous to this, my Father was a buffer between her and my sister and I.

This has nothing to do with being an only child, this has to do with your Mother never having her own life. Only after my sister stopped talking to her with methods of communication beyond texts, and I set up some boundaries did my Mom finally join a Widow and Widower's meet up group and start making friends her own age and start doing things for herself.

She has gotten better but has started to relapse since I got pregnant. When it gets to the point where I feel like she's starting to smother me again, we have the talk again, and she gets it back together.

Good luck, and I hope for your sake you work things out... it will only get worse once your baby arrives. 

 

cookierlr1

Thank goodness I am not the only one! I love my mom more than anything, but she is so overwhelming! She was recently widowed and is going through a lot, I understand that, I lost my dad, I am too. She goes to therapy, she takes meds for her depression, and honestly it's not much better as far as the dependency issues. My brother took off to the Antarctic waters to save the whales, which means she freaks out about him ALL THE TIME, and guess who she calls with every freak out! That on top of the fact that she is so excited about this baby. Some days I feel like it is the only thing keeping her going. She wants to quit her job and move closer to me so she can "sit in the livingroom and hold the baby all day long" (her exact words). Dear God help me if she ever tries to do that.

I don't want to sounds ungreatful (sp?) because I am so thankful that she cares so much about me and the baby, and she is a great mom, but it is hard that she is so dependent on this baby for her everyday happiness. Her mood lightened so much when she found out I was expecting, and I was praying for something to help her out of the deep grieving she was doing. God answered my prayers with this baby so I guess I got what I asked for! Now I just have to stay sane.

Thanks for giving me an opportunity to vent! Trust me you are not the only one dealing with mom : )

rachellaura86

Wow, it is sooooo comforting to know I am not alone. I feel like no one really understands! I wish my mom would go to therapy or take meds but she is so stubborn and so set in her ways. She has probably been depressed for about 20 years, and it has probably been severe depression for the last 10.

I TOTALLY know what you mean about the pregnancy being the only thing keeping her going. She was this way with my wedding too, and it drove me up the wall. I wanted her involved, but it became her life 24/7 and she was obsessive. I just wish she has something in her OWN life to keep her going. I understand that most first time grandparents will be over the moon about a new baby, but she takes it all to a ridiculous level.

ALSO about you feeling ungrateful..... Wow, I feel like this ALL THE TIME! My mom really does care. So I feel like when I "push her away" I am a horrible, ungrateful daughter. And my mom is so super sensitive, the littlest thing will hurt her feelings. But I just need my space sometimes. I often feel like the more mature adult between the 2 of us...

emily1414

Parents and Step Parents can be so overwhelming when you're pregnant! My father wants to talk everyday, I have no problem with this, except if the conversation is less than 20 minutes he gets annoyed and mopy. I get that he is dealing with remission, being layed off and not being able to find a job. There is a ton of uncertainty in his life and I'm the one he wants to vent to because his fiance won't listen to him (that's a whole other issue we don't need to get into).

But I understant what you're going through, the stress and neediness can really get to you, especially when you're pregnant. Hang in there and try and be patient.

JessandIgli

With a few changes, you could have described my mom. She is bipolar, diabetic, overweight, with RLS and some other ailments. Luckily, I'm not an only child and she does take meds. She doesn't leave the house much, and is always complaining about her ailments. I'm sure some of the time she is in pain, but she does exaggerate, often saying she needs to go to the hospital she is in so much pain and 5 minutes later she is fine. Do what you can for her, but don't feel bad about taking time for yourself as well. I get what you mean about feeling the guilt.

AMANDAEKIRBY

I am totally there with all of you.  I am an only child as well.  My mother is driving both of us crazy. I thought it was bad before the pregnancy but WOW I was wrong.  The only real difference is between mine and the other stories is that mine isn't depressed (or never been diagnosed) nor does she have any health issues. But she is very negative most of the time.  Not about me or the baby - just really about how life isn't great.  She can't find a man or she has no friends.  (Which is total BS- she has more friends than I do) and as for a man - they don't show up on your door step (well..... unless you ordered them)

She always wants me around.  I moved out almost 8 years ago and you'd think I was still 12 from the way she acts and talks about me.  It's really bad.

Although I feel the same guilt that most of you put on here.  She would help me in any way she could.  And I know that our child will never have to want for anything.  But I don't know if I can handle it.   She just shows up and walks on in whenever she wants.  AND OMG no - it's not just me that lives there.  It's me and DH.  AAAAAHHHHHHHHhh

When I try to back off the twice a day hr phone calls (yes that is not a mis-type - 2 times a day about 1 hr long EACH) (and we live in the same town) she puts this guilt trip on me - saying stuff like she tried to be a good mother and blah blah blah.... but it doesn't work as a guilt trip anymore - now it just angers me.  

Oh what to do what to do.

I don't think she was the best mother in the world - but I guess she tried.  But one thing I can say - She has let me see what NOT to do with my child.

ashleah83

I think being an only child or the only one around is a huge deal. Aging parents need support from their families, and the more family there is the less this is a burden on one person. Even if your Mom had her own life right now, stuff happens as you get older - as your Mom has experienced with death of a spouse, depression and as other mentioned health issues like diabetes, etc. For me, my Mom isn't even dealing with that stuff yet but just doesn't have  "her own life" in general and it is hard.

I empathize with your situation and that of others on this board. I went to therapy for a year to learn how to cope with my feelings about my Mom because I felt guilty and bad about myself for not being willing to let her be dependent on me and also angry about her choices and how they impacted me (both growing up and then as an adult). These situations just suck, and being pregnant makes it harder. Hopefully with some time therapy helps her (kudos to her for going), and you know if it starts to affect you too much, you can always go to therapy too to help you cope with her dependency issues. It helped me tons. Or you can continue to vent here! We'll always listen.

And don't worry you don't sound ungrateful - you can appreciate the good  about your Mom's love and simultaneously be frustrated about the negative - that doesn't make you a bad person.

 

yeahimamom

I'm not in the exact same boat as you, but I can relate a little. Maybe if she doesn't want to see a counselor you could encourage her to try and get a little bit healthier before the baby comes so that she can be the best grandma she can be. Do you get to visit her much? My mom and I get along a little better than she and my sister so I feel a lot of pressure to hang out with her and do things. She's single and most of her friends don't live near her so Ii definitely feel like she just gets lonely. The best thing you can do is to be honest with her. 

vigurl

Wow you mean I am not the only one!  I feel so much better reading this!  I am also an only child and have a mother exactly like you ladies describe.  The only thing is that I let her move into my home but she is driving me crazy an contributes nothing but negativity to the home and acts like its her home and she can do whatever whenever no matter who it has an effect on. 

Hbowers16

Needy mother, No. Needy MIL, YES!!!

 

And that is bad enough, sorry for you! 

vsjroberts

I understand where you are coming from but just look for the good things about your mother.. One day she will not be here to drive you nuts.. I am an only child and my father recently died and I realized how much my mom really needs me.. She has overcome cancer and a heart attack so she has a love for life... Be patient...When the baby comes you will be so grateful for her.. she can sit in the living room and rock baby while you take a well needed nap!!!!

Mayra26

Oh!  I feel for you!  Personally, my mom is the polar opposite.  I love her for that.  It's my husband's mom that sounds just like your mom!  He's the only son (she'll acknowledge) and is the most OVERBEARING, INTRUSIVE, NEEDY, PRESUMPTUOUS woman I have ever met!  Meeting her made me thank the stars my mom wasn't like that.  She's been a challenge in my life since day 1 and I've been on and off with my man for 10yrs. 

Since it's your own mom I suggest therapy.  She really needs to understand SOON that you need your SPACE or you'll be the one going bonkers not her!  As for your dad, he's just happy when you entertain her so that he doesn't have to.  My MIL has stolen so much time from me as far as hanging out with my own daughter!  My man makes me feel guilty by saying things like, "she just wants to help... your mom is always with her (my mom is the sitter so that doesn't even compare)... my mom needs to be with Amaya so that she doesn't go gambling..."  Yeah, she has so many issues hanging out with my daughter more than me is supposed to keep her out of trouble!  I just can't stand her and the more she throws herself at me and offers her services the more I want to run and hide from her.  I wish I could ship my MIL to another country.  Even my 8year old is annoyed with her!  I'm ready to snap and tell her I need space from her and taking my daughter out once a month should be more than enough to satisfy her "Gramminess". 

The more you accomodate them the more they PERSIST... I know this type well!  My friend feels how you feel about your mom and she moved to a different state.  Good for her.  Wish the MIL would disappear, but I'm stuck. 

lora96

Yup. I'm there.

I want to flush my phone.

taniya411

I had a needy mother. I'm an only child and she would make me feel so guilty for getting grown and doing things on my own. She wanted me to be her "baby" forever. Sadly, my mother passed away February 13, 2010 and I swear I would give anything for her to be here now (especially since I'm pregnant). But she can't because God chose to take her home. I definitely know the feeling. All of my friends knew how crazy my mom was, and we laugh about it even to this day. I know your mom gets on your nerves but cherish the time you have. I'm speaking from experience.