I left out part of my birth story

pomrom

and I would like to share it. It was pretty traumatic on dh and myself and we have talked about it quite a bit but I need to get this out.

There is a little back information that is needed.....

Dh and I got married when we were 18 and got pregnant on our honeymoon. At 14 weeks along, I had my appendix removed and long story short, the surgery went bad a few days later and I delivered our little girl at 16w2d and needless to say, she didn't make it. It was really hard on both of us but time really does help heal your wounds. Dh still doesn't mention her and it has effected him still even almost 9 years later.

Fast foward nine years and we have two kids.... Austin is 7 and Lily is 4. Xander was not due until 2/24 (which was the date that they took my appendix out and that nightmare started) and I had him 5 weeks early. My labor went slow at first and then went very quick. After he was born, he was having a little trouble breathing and he went to the NICU. We had about 10 minutes with him before they took him.

This is the part that I can't get out of my head...... Dh went to the NICU with the baby and I stayed in my room for the mandatory two hour peroid for recovery. I thought it was odd that dh never came back and as time went on, I was worried that he had not left the baby because things got worse. Then at about the 1.5 hour mark, the ped came in and said that he was fine. That he didn't do well on the oxygen so they were doing CPAP and that he would be alright. He was showing signs of puenomonia and he was started on IV antibiotics.

About 30 minutes later I was escorted to the NICU by a nurse and I was blown away by what I found. I walked in to about 10 people around my baby. There were machines I had never seen before. My awesome husband was standing against the counter crying and as soon as they noticed me there, it was like a huge gasp by the staff and I seemed to suck all the oxygen out of the room. They scrambled to find a chair and I was so confused. A doctor just came down and told me he was fine. And now I am being told that he was going to be put on a ventilator and I would have a few minutes to hold him while they set up. I am sure they explained well but I could not really "hear" them. I sat down, was handed my baby that was covered in wires, IVs, and a whole thing covering his head and face all while he was grunting and working so hard to breathe.

Next thing I know, a nurse starts flashing pictures. I am bawling over my baby that I just met and just told that he was not able to breathe on his own. She was pushing dh into the pictures and making a big fuss over us holding him as if it were the last and only pictures that would be taken of him alive with us. The only thoughts that went through my head were "NO, we have already done this once before. We already have pictures of us crying over our baby. This is not happening again. This is not my baby, the doctor just came and said he was fine. Leave us alone. Hurry up, help him he can't breathe! Dont worry about me holding him one more time, HELP HIM!!!" 

Next thing I knew, we were asked to leave so they could intubate and I could go rest. It was awful and I never want to experience that again and I really wish that I could block that 30 minutes or so out but it has stuck with me. Every Friday night, I find myself going over the time line of my labor and during the time of about 1am unitl about 5am, I can't put him down. I relive those moments over and over and pray for the day for the memories to fade.

We have both decided that we don't have any use for those pictures and neither one of us would care to ever see them again. They bring back too much for us. The NICU doctors would ask how dh was when he was not there because he had told them about our first daughter. They were worried that he saw too much with them doing the work up on Xander when he first got to the NICU.

I just wish that although I wanted to see my little guy, and be right there, I wish they would have warned me. I wish I had not seen what I did. I wish I had not had the feelings that history was repeating itself. I wish I had just stayed in my room and got some rest and had dh just tell me the basics....

Thank God, he is fine and perfect now and I can hug and cuddle him when I am feeling low but I really wish that end part of our birth experience with him was a little different than it was.

Thanks for listening. I really only posted this to help me a little... it feels a little better to get it out to someone other than just dh.

TiffanyTheMom

Oh mama, that must have been so terrifying. I just can't imagine going through anything like that. And your husband... I can't imagine the toll it's taken on you two. You do have a gorgeous little boy who's now healthy and growing and he's not going anywhere, but that won't ever erase your experience. But someday the memories will get less frequent and you'll think of it less. 

I'm so sorry to hear about your angel daughter.