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Preemies
cara-n-steve
member
I'm a mess...
cara-n-steve
member
in Preemies
I get discharged from the hospital tomorrow and I just can't pull myself together. It kills me to leave my babies here while I have to go home. I know I can come visit them whenever I want, but I'm just so sad to be leaving them. I'm happy they're in the best place they can be right now and the NICU nurses and Dr.'s here are wonderful, I just don't know how I'm going to leave them here.
Greyson is doing pretty good today. Leland is still on the ventilator. Anytime they try to lower it he has trouble breathing. The Dr. said he's not progressing the way he should be. They just took another chest xray so I'm waiting to see what the Dr. says. I just wish I could hold him!!
How do you keep yourself together?
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Re: I'm a mess...
I will be completely honest with you...the day/night before discharge and the day of...I didn't keep myself together...I cried every other minute. Have you gotten to hold Greyson yet? I actually got to hold Blake before I went home (this was the doctor's way of trying to sooth me). It did help but I was very nervous because he is on a vent and still has that belly button line in.
It really is hard....I ended up going home, showering, pumping and grabbing a quick bite to eat. I was right back up at the hospital after that.
The only thing I keep telling myself is that they are in the best hands right now and in their current state I really can't take care of them. That helps me get through but only a little. Last night I called everytime I got up to pump and today I called a million times before I got back up there.
Just remember your babies are strong in large part because their Mommy and Daddy are strong.
I did get to hold Greyson, which was wonderful! He's actually been eating from the bottle!! The Dr. said not to be surprised if he stops, he said often they will eat from the bottle and then lose interest in it for a little while.
The x-ray they just took of Leland didn't really show much improvement. He has another one tomorrow at 6am. My mom got here today, which has helped a little but I'm just a blubbering mess. I feel bad for DH, he's been so strong but he just had a little melt down. I think that's the second time I've ever seen him cry.
I just keep telling myself they will be OK. :-/
I'm glad you got to hold Blake! How are they doing? I was thinking about you today! I check for updates on you and your babies.
Yes, this exactly. I have a few horrible memories, but one in particular was taking a shower the night before I was set to leave. The shower was cold, I was sore all over, and I was just in so much emotional pain thinking about leaving DD. I already told DH I won't be showering at all while we're in the hospital with number 2. Just awful.
Anyway, the only thing that made it better for me was thinking about how I wasn't capable of caring for her the way she needed to be cared for at home. That and I called in before shift changes and before and after sleeping when I was at home, and spent probably 6-10 hours per day at the NICU.
(((HUGS))))
Does your hospital have rooms available for NICU parents. Ours had several rooms available on the NICU floor where parents could stay for the first week or so - free of charge. When I was released I could not go home and they offered us one of the rooms that was available.
In all honesty, I didnt keep myself together. I cried all day the entire day before and the morning I was discharged. I couldn't fathom not being right down the hall from my babies. It's ok that you can't keep yourself together, you dont need to be strong at this moment in time. The whole NICU is such a rollercoaster experience, one day you are flying high as a kite and the world is awesome, and the next you are crying in your car. It can even be hour to hour. It is very difficult not to hold your babies. I'm really hoping they allow you to hold him soon.
Please just know we've all been there and are here if you need us. ((hugs))
I just tried to remember that I needed to be strong for my baby. I felt like I needed to stay positive for him so that he would get better. I felt like he could sense if I was positive and it would rub off on him (that may sound stupid but I think it really worked)! It was so hard to walk in my house and into his room and not be pregnant anymore and still not have him home but I knew that he was in a good place. I just prayed and tried to stay focused. If he was strong enough to endure what he was going through, I needed to be strong too - he was my inspiration.
Good Luck, Sweetie!
PS - I just reread my post - let me add that I was a mess half the time! I would have a break down now and then - usually when I was by myself or just with DH. I think I was somewhat in denial (which probably helped), it was almost like an out of body experience for me.
Sending T&P your way!
Oh Honey, things WILL get easier. I promise!
The hardest thing for me was to have an emergency c-section and see her for 2 minutes, 5 hours after she was born, and then have her life-flighted to a larger hospital 2.5 hours away. That was a Sunday night. Not only did my daughter leave me, but my DH left to be with her. My closest family was 1400 miles across the country. I wasn't discharged from the hospital until Wednesday morning and a good friend of mine sat through my discharge, picked me up, took me home to pack, picked up my prescription, and drove me the 2.5 hours to see my little lady and DH.
I didn't keep myself together. I won't lie. My eyes were dried and cracked and almost bleeding by the time I got to see her and hold her for the first time. I cried everyday that we were apart, multiple times. I cried when I was with her. I cried when other babies got to go home and she didn't get to go home.
The only thing that kept me sane during our 28 day stay in the NICU were the nurses, OT's, the social workers and my wonderful DH. The hospital staff have been there. They are used to parents that cry uncontrollable, get frustrated when their child takes a step back and celebrate the little things. I remember when my little lady went from a isolette to an open crib! I cried. For almost 20 minutes. It was such big step for her.
The biggest thing for me was to take each day at a time. Don't worry about yesterday or what's going to happen tomorrow. Keep yourself in the present. Talk to the nursing staff and keep yourself informed. Write a journal (I started one, but I was so over whelmed, I couldn't keep it up.) Celebrate the little things. And last but not least, smile.