GRR!!! vent about references...

miss1180

So- we recently started the process to adopt from korea. we needed 4 non-relative references. one of the people we asked was DHs best friend from middle school... he was best man in our wedding, we see him usually twice a week or more, hes very close to both of us, so we thought he would be a good person to ask.

  WELL I was just texting with him and telling him thanks for doing this for us, and telling him we want to take him and his wife out to dinner sometime to thank them. he goes "ok, but I want to talk to (DH) first before I fill out the questionaire..."

  Now- we're not supposed to have any involvement in what the references write about us. so, i don't think he wants to talk to DH about what he should write or anything. and he specifically said DH, not me.

The only thing i can think of is that he has concerns or something about what type of parents we might be, for whatever reason. Which is ok if he feels that way, he can have his opinion. (FWIW, this guy has no kids of his own yet, and ZERO experience with kids). but its just annoying that, if i were pregnant and having a biological child, there is NO WAY  he would say to us "I don't think you're gonna be good parents". ya know?? it would be all " congratulations! good for you guys! hope the rest of the pregnancy goes well! Can't wait to meet the baby". but, now, because he has an "outlet".. he all of the sudden has concerns.

  It just bums me out, because the whole IF situation, and the whole adoption process is tough enough as it is, without this. its tough not getting 100% support from somebody you thought would give you that....

   again, i'm not 100% sure what he wants to talk about... but I can't really think what else it might be. This guy makes  A TON of money so at first in the back of my mind i thought " oh, maybe hes going to offer to loan us money or help us out somehow that way"... but then why would he say he wants to talk to only DH and not me??

Temp206787500007404

Whoa...take some deep breaths!  It could be something as innocent as him just wanting interpretation of a question or something.  I know our references all asked for some clarification about what exactly our social worker was looking for.  Maybe he's just more comfortable talking to your DH about it, so you don't think he's silly or something.  Who knows?!  It could really be any number of things and not have anything to do with him thinking you would be inadequate parents!

(((HUGS)))

Cissi64

He may be concerned about giving the "right answers".  He may be nervous that he will say something wrong and you won't be approved. He may feel more comfortable with your DH because he has known him for so long.  Don't worry until you have something real to worry about.  I know it is nerve wracking.  I was always afraid one of our references would give us a bad evaluation but every one is usually positive. Edited to correct typing mistakes.

mysticl

I agree with the deep breaths.  Have you seen the questionnaire yourself?  Maybe there are questions on there that he doesn't feel he can answer.  I used to do homestudies and someone who has zero experience with kids does not make the best reference.   There are usually questions about your parenting style and/or how you are with kids. Has he ever had the opportunity to observe you with children for any length of time?

 

miss1180

thanks everybody! :-) I know i'm jumping the gun getting upset.... and it could be any number of things. just have to wait and see what it is, once Dh gets a chance to talk to him,

Its funny because DH just said " if i've ever made any negative comments about having a kid, its only because i'm nervous about the whole adoption process, not necessarily being a parent" DH is kind of a private person. He just feels like deciding to have a kid- whether adopting or getting pregnant- is such a personal thing. so its hard for him to wrap his head aorund having to get friends involved in it and doing all of this. LOL in his words " Its like having our friends in the bedroom with us while we're trying to get pregnant' LOL

I'm also very close to this friend, too and text/ IM with him a lot... which is why i think its weird that he just wants to talk to DH. we have the kind of friendship where all 3 of us talk about anything and everything together....(this guy's wife works late, so a lot of times dh, he and I will go hang out and starbucks at night and just sit and talk.)

and i know a person without kids probably isn't the best reference... but we're one of the first of our friends to do the whole "kid thing". And the references have to be a non-relative who has known BOTH of us for more than 5 years. our friends that have kids haven't known us as long.... 

  thanks for the nice words! I'll keep ya updated once dh talks to him :-)

Dr.Loretta

I agree with the pps that it's not worth getting excited about at this point. It could be something as simple as a question that asks how often they've seen/talked to each other over the entire life of their relationship. If there was a time they didn't talk as much as they do now, he may simply want some help in "averaging out" the amount of time they talk to each other.

Or one of a gazillion other things.

GL