DH feeling rejected

carladillon

Over the weekend as DH had settled down for bed, we were talking about how amazing D is (we're not the only ones that do this, right?).  DH is very sentimental and sensitive, and he started to get emotional.  Then he said how he could tell D was closer to me.  He was upset that she preferred me and how she cries when I leave the room - even if DH is right there.  He feels rejected sometimes and then the conversation snowballed into how he hoped she didn't resent him when she got older. 

DH is a wonderful father - he loves her soooo much and he plays with her, showers her with kisses, feeds her, changes her, etc.  BUT - I have done the majority of her care.  I BF for 13 months as well.  I noticed how he would offer to help with some of her things and I would automatically say "No-that's okay, I've got it".  Now, I have included him more - he gets her ready for bed now and rocks her, he feeds her more and plays on the floor with her more.  That was one big thing I told him - he will engage with her from the couch, but I told him he needed to get ON THE FLOOR, as she will randomly crawl into your lap, pull up on you, give loves, etc.  I think it's getting a little better.  I explained to him that I was her sole food source for so long, and babies generally have a stronger bond with the mama.  But his time is coming!

Have your DH's had any issues with this?

livvielo

Yes, totally, we're going through this right now. H is a wonderful dad and loves M so, so, so much. He's the bedtime story reader and always does bath duty, and they both have a blast, and on Wednesdays he's her sole caregiver (he's off work so she doesn't go to daycare). That said, M also cries when I leave the room even when he's there?if I'm getting ready for work in the bathroom, she'll come bang on the door crying. And when I leave on Wednesdays, she usually cries a lot then, too.

But he also does the parenting from the couch thing, and I think he sometimes wants M to do what *he* wants, which with a toddler, you can't always make happen, as we know. If he wants to hold her and she wants to be running around, she's going to cry when he insists on holding her. So he feels rejected and upset in those situations. He's said more than once "Do you think Mallory doesn't like me?" I feel really bad that he's feeling rejected.

We have talked at length about it, and I think he is finally feeling better about M being a little more mom-centric right now (like you, I've said that soon, there'll be a switch and she'll just want Daddy all the time!). And he also is making a big effort to let M do what she wants (unless it's a dangerous situation or in some other way isn't good for her, of course). I think he's feeling better overall about it and just learning to go with her flow a little bit more.

YaraC

My DH is the same way. He has been through this before and knows that there will come a time when she is Daddy's girl but he still feels hurt that that isn't the case right now. Caroline is Mama's girl and if I'm available, no one else will do. I have told him many times that sitting on the couch with your computer while she plays on the floor isn't going to help change things. He is getting better and this morning when she fell, she ran to him to be picked up even though I was in the room. I could tell, he was just so thrilled.

dkays

My DH has never really had issue with this. He is a big kid most of the time and gets down on T's level to play.  She is a total Momma's girl though.

We always joke that I will raise them to 13 then he can have them.  In a way, this is how it worked in our house.  From what I have seen and experienced, baby girls need their Daddy's way more when they are teenagers because somehow Mom loses some of her luster by then.  There is something very special about that Father-Daughter relationship during the teenage years.

Tell your DH to hang in there because he will become the center of her universe. 

fiazo

Sienna is such a daddy's girl! It is the opposite here. If he's around I am chopped liver. I don't mind because I have her all day & when she gets hin it gives me a breather. I am telling you we were out the other day, came home & she ran right past me into her daddys arms. He is tall & she loves for him to carry her around & lift her to all the high places. He also does get down on the floor to play.

However when it comes to bedtime, she way prefers me than DH for some reason. I guess she is used to our routine. Usually when he attempts it takes forever & he gets frustrated.

daisydana

We haven't had that talk yet, but it's probably coming. Sydney cries when I walk upstairs now - even just for a second. Even when her Daddy and her Grammy are feeding her dinner. I can't catch a break for two minutes alone. Most of the time he tells me (at the end of the day) that he's sorry. That it's probably just a phase and she'll grow out of it. For now, if he is upset about her always wanting me, he isn't telling me. I think he just sees how exhausting it is for me.

superaunt

oh yes. we've had this talk more than once. "she loves you so much," he'll say, "look at the way she looks at you." it brings me to my knees. it does. i love her so much i can't even describe it- and i know he feels the same way... but he's just not home enough. his job is very busy and he gets home maybe three times in a month before she goes to bed, so he sees her for 5 minutes a day during the week! it's pretty sad/bad. and on the weekends, he would still sleep in!! i finally had to put an end to that about a month ago and i basically nag him up and make him spend the day with her. they're great together. he loves her and she loves him SO much. there's no doubting that... but when push come to shove, she comes to me. always. but that's what she knows so until we win the lottery or something, that's the way it is.

(and yes, down on their level play is THE BOMB.)

Daisiesinmygarden

I think DH sometimes gets a little hurt by this also, even though he does play with her. I tell him his time is coming. I never met a three year old that didn't think their daddy wasn't 10 feet tall and a hero.

ScoobyM

We had this issue too - Ellie is very attached to me and like everyone else, I think it's because I am the primary caregiver in the house - even though I work full time like DH, I work at home so she sees me each day, and I get that extra 1.5 - 2 hours with her after work while DH finishes up and commutes home.  Anyway, at times I would ask him to try and spend time with her to give me a break, especially when I was pregnant with Noah, and she would want me instead and it really bothered him.  And he had a very hard time when she was a lot younger and he could not comfort her, but all I had to do was hold her and she was happy. 

I have to say, after Noah was born, she really started becoming more of Daddy's girl.  They have their special things they do together and she will run to him for comfort if she gets hurt (or if I am scolding her for something, LOL).  And she is thrilled to pieces when he gets home from work each day.  I don't know if it's because I was less available after Noah came along or if it was just her age (2.5) but he is pretty happy now.

stever

Awww... I'm sorry for your DH.

ateytelb

Jason actually prefers his dad over me, but I am fine with it most of the time

EastCoastBride

Your DH needs to understand that this is a developmentally normal thing. My DH gets a lot of time w/ DS and right now he's off work for a week (1 out of every 3 weeks is like this).  DS gets a LOT of time w/ DH and even so, if I leave (like this morning), DS really gets upset.

This is what happens w/ toddlers.  We've gone through small phases where all he wants is daddy. 

Your DD isn't going to resent your DH as she grows up.  He needs to stop assigning adult feelings and rationale to her.  This isnt' her fault.

carladillon

EastCoastBride:

Your DD isn't going to resent your DH as she grows up.  He needs to stop assigning adult feelings and rationale to her.  This isnt' her fault.

Yikes! 

What he was referring to was down the road that he hopes he doesn't make any parenting mistakes that would damage their relationship (like how he resents his father sometimes).  The resentment part wasn't so much about her preferring me right now - the conversation just started to evolve into their relationship in general.  He was in no way indicating anything was her fault.  Quite the opposite  -he was concerned about his actions and what affect they may have.  In the sense that we all probably hope that we don't make any major mistakes.