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Banana44
member
Advice needed for 7 yo SS - Long
Banana44
member
My SS is 7. He's pretty much a normal little guy with minor issues here and there. I've been around since he was 3 - so he really doesn't remember a time without me. In January his Mom broke up with her boyfriend of 1 1/2 years. Mom had been a little whacky abou this boyfriend. He had 2 kids and she started telling SS they are his "new family" call them Brother and sister. Started Tuesday night family night when they all had a big dinner and party - and fought us for 3 months to switch weekends so the kids could be together all the time.
Well, SS has not seen the boyfriend or kids since Christmas morning. Mom tells him they are taking a break, but no other info. SS is obviously really upset - he talks to us about it all the time - but he is afraid to talk to his Mom (this is normal). Also, we are pretty sure this is not a break but a permanent thing (we have good reason).
So starting about 3 weeks ago he is showing severe signs of seperation anxiety. Will not be on a level of the house that a parent is not on. He is crying at swim lessons because he is afraid to go to the boy's locker room - he keeps asking to go to family room (which I don't allow. Family room is for under 5 and special needs and he is too old to be in there at almost 8) He has been going to the boys locker room this whole year and has never had a problem.
He snowboards with DH - went 6 times this year. Last time was 2 weekends ago - he cried almost the whole time. Claiming he was afraid that DH would get seperated from him. It was crazy. People are noticing the behaviors also - swim director asked what was wrong with him and family has been asking, so its not just that we are sensitive to it.
Counseling is not an option - Mom says no and legally both parents have to agree. We have talked to his school counselor, but I don't know how much that will help.
We don't know what to do. We keep telling him we love him and that we will never leave him, but a huge part of me is unwilling to coddle too much. I think if we let him regress it will just get worse. We have tried to talk (e-mail) Mom but she refuses to believe his fear is anything outside the normal and her break-up with boyfriend has nothing to do with it. (also there was a boyfriend of 2 years prior to this one who also disappeared without a trace - BM is not good with processing these things with SS).
Any advice on what we can do. How can we help him? Abandonment issues can follow him throughout life and I would hate to see that happen.
Thanks for reading - I know this got long.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Advice needed for 7 yo SS - Long
Keep talking to SS!!! Let him get his feelings out. Let him know that it's ok to miss the BF (sounds like you guys weren't really big fans of him, which I'm sure SS knows.) and that you want to hear how he's feeling. Reassure him that it's okay to be sad and that it is a sad thing that BF is gone.
I don't think what SS is going through is abnormal given the circumstances. He might get past it with yours and DH's help. However, keep talking with the school counselor. Have SS meet with the counselor alone to talk over the next couple weeks. Get the counselor to write up a summary of what he/she sees in SS. If SS's behavior has changed so drastically at school, the counselor will want to talk with the parents. Hopefully if SS needs some outside help, the counselor can convince BM to look into it.
I don't know how his writing skills are since he's only 7, but he could write down his fears and put them in a box.. I know people give out those 'worry dolls' for when a kid is scared.
Have him talk about any of his fears vs. crying over them--like being afraid to go to the xyz room. Once he's gone to the room and returned, talk to him about how he was fine and safe and you all were there afterwards. He needs to realize his fears don't become reality.
And per pp, the school counselor, too, or the teacher if they see any changes in him.
Maybe give him some 'tasks' to do that are his responsibility? I don't nec know what, but just tossing out some things.
GL!
Yes - I meant to address this and forgot.
Another BFboard member (thanks Lucky!) recommended the book "The Boy Who was Raised as a Dog" and it is excellent. One example is of a foster mom who was bringing children around 180 after they had been through extremely traumatic events. The dr. studied to see what she did and she basically just responded to each child as they needed. She reasoned if they were looking for extra coddling or attention or babying, it was because they needed it. She met them wherever they were developmentally and helped them at the stage they were, and they grew and developed more normally than children who didn't get the extra "babying."
Just wanted to add that my DS always got a little anxious but it has been worse since he got in an elevator and had the doors shut and I was not in it yet (horrible story but it involved me pushing my Mom in a wheelchair and hitting her leg into the doorway only a week after knee replacement surgery and DS went ahead of us but luckily the door opened right back up so he was only in there for 2 seconds) and he gets very scared if he does not see me now or if I walk out of a room and he does not know where I am even though sometimes I just told him here I was going. I am at an advantage b/c I understand where his underlying fear is coming from. But I talked to my BFF about it and she told me that when she was a kid she had panic attacks and even as an adult but less often and the worst feeling ever was/is being dismissed when you are panicking, the best thing she said is for the person with you to just be there for you until it passes.
Thanks for the advice.
We did have swimming last night and he went through the boys locker room. It started with crying in the car saying he would not go swimming, but we went through the process over and over again and then he did go through the locker room.
We have talked many times about why is afraid all of a sudden and he has no reason. This session of swimming has been 8 weeks and he was perfectly fine for 5 of them. He insists nothing happened at the pool or in the locker room - he just does not want to go in the locker room anymore. Same with skiing. He has no logical reason why he is scared to ski anymore. Nothing happened while skiing, he never fell...nothing. As a matter of fact the last time he went skiing (befor ehe became scared) he came home bragging that he did a new trick in the terrain park.
When I said I didn't want to coddle this - I meant that I am not going to allow him to avoid all of these new fears. I feel like if I let him avoid being seperated from me or DH it could snowball and get worse, but I am dishing out a lot of support. After swimming we re-processed what happened - and why he was so scared and he still could not say why he was scared - but I can already tell that next week he is going to cry all over again. So nect week we;ll talk about each step - why it isn't scary - and do it again. When he accomplishes the task we let him know we are proud and that we love him.
I could be wrong that this is associated with his BM's boyfriend and kids disappearing, but I can't think of anything else that has happened. DH is talking to the school counselor again today so we'll see if he has any insight.
Thanks for your help, I'll just keep loving him and hope that this goes away.
Of course, it has to do with his other family splitting and abandoning him. He was raised and pressured to feel attached to these people and now they're no longer part of his life. There's a huge chasm in his life and while he's trying to learn how to deal with it, he's afraid that he'll lose another important part of his life.
The best/only thing you can do is love him and assure him you'll always be there for him.