feel out of place posting here... intro

Mike&Care

I have been lurking over here for awhile. My husband and I are sure that we want a third child, but over the last 12 months or so have really started to consider adoption. Our first two kids were conceived fairly easily. I feel like we aren't the right candidates for adoption because we haven't struggled with infertility. Is there anyone over here like us?

My husband told me the other day that he has been looking at the waiting children website for our state (I check it several times a week, not sure why, it just tugs at my heart) and he had this look on his face, like he was serious about this. Then he told me to get the ball rolling. I'm not even sure what to do. I have contacted a representative in our state, but that's it. We *think* we want to adopt a foster child or an older child, maybe even an international adoption. Ideally it would be a child between the age of 1 and 4.

The weird thing is we had started TTC in December (did not get pregnant), but neither of us could shake the idea that we are meant to adopt. As a bit of a background, my first daughter is only biologically related to me. My husband adopted her in Nov. 2009. I have LOVED seeing this transition from stranger (in mid 2006) to father and daddy. He adores her. Doesn't even cross her or his mind that she's not blood related. There's a huge part of me that wants to experience that as well. It is so easy to love a baby you gave birth to, but I think it takes a special person to unconditionally love and adopt a child.

I feel like the adoption process is so unknown/scary and I don't even know where to begin! 

Thanks if you got this far.

Dr.Loretta

There are plenty of people who adopt without dealing with infertility. Some even have biological kids. Please don't feel like you won't be welcome here, or that you're not the right people for adoption. If it's something you feel you're meant to do, and you're both on the same page, IMO it's worth it to get the ball rolling and see what happens.

GL and post often.

JanieJones

Welcome!

Of course you don't have to struggle with fertility to adopt.  Click through the waiting children page and see what the process is in your state.  Good luck!!

 

PS. I love the grey floral shirt in your sig-it's a beautiful print. 

CaptainSerious

Hi, and welcome to the board!

 

There are many of us here who have not struggled with IF.  In my case, I always thought about adopting since I had a grade school friend who was adopted, but I also imagined having a mixed family of biological and adopted kids.  As I grew up, I second guessed this with a lot of the typical questions of whether I could love them equally, etc.  When I met my husband, he told me he would adopt at least one child; so before deciding to marry, I had to be on board.  We discussed it a lot, and I decided my fears were just that, unfounded fears.  We both feel that we've been incredibly blessed in this life, and since we wanted a family, we wanted to use the opportunity to share all our blessings with someone who could really use it.  At the time, we still planned to have both bio and adopted kids.  When we were ready to start a family, it was in the middle of the financial crisis, and he's in capital markets.  I wasn't ready to have a kid in the next 9 months (if everything went perfectly) with him working all the time, but I figured that since adoption would take longer, we could start with that.  Since we wanted to give a loving home and family to someone who might otherwise not get that chance, we decided on ?older child? international adoption.  Little did I know at the time that our adoption would take 2 and a half years!  Now that we are planning our second child, it just feels right to us that he/she be like M, so he's not the only person of color or adopted child in our family.

 

As for where to start, I usually suggest that people considering adoption should check out an introductory book on the subject, because there are so many different kinds of adoption, each with its own process.  I think books like "Adoption for Dummies" or "The Complete Idiot's Guide To Adoption" (which I used) are a great place to get started.  They provide lots of basic information on adoption, the different types, the processes, and how to research an agency.  Another good book is "The Complete Adoption Book."  Any of these will help you decide which type of adoption best ?fits? your family.

 

In your case, one thing you?ll want to give some serious thought to is the age of the child you are looking to adopt, since you have small children in your family already.  This is important because many older children who are in foster care or are available for adoption have experienced trauma in their lives.  This could be as simple as losing caregivers through death, but more often means witnessing or being the victim of abuse, neglect, or other violent behavior.  Children who have suffered these types of trauma often act out those types of behaviors on younger children around them.  This can happen even if they are getting all the emotional and psychological help they need; it's often part of their process as they learn to cope with what happened to them/what they witnessed.  So in the minds of many adoption professionals, placing an older child, who may have had a turbulent past, in a home with young children is not ideal in most situations.

 

After doing all your research, if you then decide that domestic adoption is right for your family, you?ll need to find a good agency.  I highly recommend researching any agency you are considering to make sure it abides by ethical standards.  For domestic agencies, a great place to look them up is on the yahoo group called "AARD" (Adoption Agency Research ? Domestic).  That group is dedicated to giving honest feedback on agencies.  You can ask about the agencies you are interested in directly, and also search their archives and files.

 

If you choose international, you?ll then need to pick from which country. The US Department of State's website lists the requirements to adopt from each country (https://adoption.state.gov/).  Once you've made your country choice, you'll need to find an agency that has a program specializing in adoptions from that country.  The yahoo group "Adoption Agency Research" is a phenomenal resource for vetting agencies, and works the same way as ?AARD.?

 

Good luck!

Mike&Care

Wow thank you for all the great information. I will be looking at all those links. I had planned to swing by the library today, so I will pick up one of those books as well.

Thank you thank you!!

CaptainSerious

Anytime!  You might also want to check out the FAQs at the top of the board.  There's a lot of great information in there that will help you get started and thinking about some main points.

purplerhi

Captain S covered most everything, but just know that there are many people that have adoption on their hearts and minds that have never struggled with IF.  Good luck.

soontobeahigh

Hi there! Im new to the board as well. We have 3 biological children and haven't suffered from IF. We are in the beginning stages as well. We are trying to figure out who to use for our homestudy and that is a feat in itself lol.

jehnm

We know several people who have biological children and felt ready to adopt to continue to grow their families.  If you both are feeling pulled towards I bet there is a child out there just waiting for you to become their family!  Good luck!