Explaining lying vs. pretending?

CD+AL

DS (3yrs) is at the point where we have to do something about lying vs. pretending.  I want him to have an active imagination, but he's using "pretend" to get out of doing things he's supposed to do. 

Ex. Just now I asked him if he washed his hands after going potty, and he said that Daddy helped him.  Daddy isn't even home, so I know without a doubt that he didn't help him.  After just a little more investigation, I'm totally positive that he didn't wash at all.  He just doesn't like to wash his hands.

This isn't the only incident, so it's not isolated.  We need  to do something, but I'm not sure how to put it in terms that he can understand.  I don't want him to be afraid to pretend or make up stories in a creative sense, but I cannot tolerate lying either...even if it's not malicious yet.

JillAly

I'm going through exactly the same thing.  DS told me he brushed his teeth last night with daddy and my dh (who was sleeping) yelled out "no he didn't".  This morning, ds told his daycare teacher he helped me make the corn muffin he brought for breakfast and he broke the eggs and stirred the mix.   Um- they were store bought!

So I'm interested in seeing what others say.  I have no idea if what my son says to me is the truth or not.  I guess it's just a good preview of the teenage years to come.

AgrippaRidesAgain

I'm pretty sure that at 3, they still don't understand the concept of lying.  I know that DS lies to me and it's more like he wishes that it were true.  He's a bit younger than your DS, but when I say, "Are you sure that Daddy helped you wash your hands?  He is at work." he'll usually reply with, "No, Daddy didn't wash my hands" or something to that effect.  Sometimes he continues with the story, so I tell him, "No, Daddy didn't help you wash your hands because he isn't home.  Why don't we wash them together right now?"

He'll probably throw a fit at that point, but we'll eventually get those hands clean. 

 Here's something I found from babycenter:

https://www.babycenter.com/0_lying-why-it-happens-and-what-to-do-about-it_65462.bc

brightning

This is definitely happening to us right now (DD is 3.75). I like to call it "wishful thinking" rather than lying, because I don't think DD is trying to be malicious or anything.

When I have reason to doubt what she's said, such as washing her hands after using the bathroom, I say, "I know you *wish* you had washed your hands, but now you need to go do it for real." I often have to reassure her that I won't do anything fun while she's gone.

She'll also occasionally say, "How do you know I didn't wash my hands?" and I'll say that her hands are dry, I didn't hear the sink, etc. Lately, she's been coming out of the bathroom asking me to check her hands so I know they're wet.  

AndLyn

brightning:

This is definitely happening to us right now (DD is 3.75). I like to call it "wishful thinking" rather than lying, because I don't think DD is trying to be malicious or anything.

I like the idea of calling it wishful thinking. We've been saying "fibbing," since I thought that sounded a little less intentional, but I think your term captures what she's doing better.

I know DD knows the difference between real pretend, but she often doesn't differentiate when she's telling stories (like that her 14-month-old brother has been talking to her, or her doll took all her pants, LOL). We've just been trying to emphasize the importance of telling the truth. This morning I asked her to put some clothes away in her drawers, and she told me she did (suspiciously quickly), and when I asked her if she was sure that was true, she said, "I'm putting them in now, Mommy, I threw them on my floor."  

We also do a lot of purposeful pretending, making up ridiculous stories together so that she can practise the idea of pretending vs. reality.