Help! How would you handle this (ERF) car seat situation.

KelliLynee

DD is 20 months old & still rear facing (except in the sitters car she is FF because the sitter needs to get past her seat to get to the back of the van). 

Lately DD has been throwing fits getting into her car seat. Its not every time, but when it happens its only for me. She doesn't give DH much trouble at all. The other night it literally took me 15 minutes to get her in. I put her in & she turns around to stand up and look around. I can't stop her from doing it, and I tried a million things to try to get her to sit down. I dont want to physically force her to sit when she is acting like this because I would literally need to hold her down hard. Instead, I try to convince her a million different ways- I ask her nicely, I ask if she wants to help buckle, I ask if she wants to go home & see daddy (which is where we are usually going), I offer her every book and toy I have available, offer my cell phone (which I'm not a big fan of). I've tried to take a break for a minute & let her do something to get her mind off it (walk around or whatever), but as soon as I walk back to the car she flips out. 

Nothing has been working & I have had to physically hold her down to buckle her and I am 100% not comfortable with that.  She ends up crying hysterically & it breaks my heart. 

I dont want to FF her yet, but if this is the alternative then thats what I will do. Today on the way home from the grocery store she threw one of these fits & she continued to whimper for like 10 minutes after she stopped crying. I cant handle this.  

Lucky_N_Love

DD does this sometimes and I don't know if it really has anything to do with RF vs FF or just a toddler being a stinker. I don't have too much advice I usually just try and distract her with tickling or singing a goofy song to get her to sit still long enough for me to buckle her in. Good Luck I assume this too shall pass.

erbear

fredalina:

Honestly? i think trying to "convince" a toddler for 15 minutes to sit down and then forcing her is probably worse than just gently but firmly placing her in the seat and holding her down enough to buckle her in matter-of-factly in the beginning, explaining gently what you're doing and why as you're doing it or right before.

I agree. AP or not, you're the mom and she has to sit in her car seat. No negotiations. I've found that once she's in her seat, if she hasn't gotten worked up ahead of time, she stops crying pretty quickly.

KelliLynee

fredalina:

Honestly? i think trying to "convince" a toddler for 15 minutes to sit down and then forcing her is probably worse than just gently but firmly placing her in the seat and holding her down enough to buckle her in matter-of-factly in the beginning, explaining gently what you're doing and why as you're doing it or right before.

Thats not what I did. I guess I didn't explain it clearly. I talk to her firmly & matter of factly from the beginning. I AM trying to "convince her", because thats what she needs is convincing, but I do it sternly & in a tone/language she can understand.  

 

KelliLynee

erbear:

fredalina:

Honestly? i think trying to "convince" a toddler for 15 minutes to sit down and then forcing her is probably worse than just gently but firmly placing her in the seat and holding her down enough to buckle her in matter-of-factly in the beginning, explaining gently what you're doing and why as you're doing it or right before.

I agree. AP or not, you're the mom and she has to sit in her car seat. No negotiations. I've found that once she's in her seat, if she hasn't gotten worked up ahead of time, she stops crying pretty quickly.

Thats the thing, I dont negotiate. The toys/books/distractions are last ditch efforts. I say "Lilah, you need to sit down and be safe. We can't go home if you are standing." 

Its not that common of a thing that Im not sure its a car seat issue or just a toddler issue as the previous poster said, but I just down know what else to do. I feel like an idiot trying to get her in her carseat when this happens, but I literally feel like I try every possible option to get her in. 

jen5-03

She only does it for you, not your DH... it's not a RFing thing, it's a toddler testing her mama thing.

Do the explaining thing first, on your way to the car. Tell her where you're going, what you expect her to do when she gets in the car, and all the stuff you've been doing. But when you get to the car, you just do it.

This is the method I've come up with to get a protesting child in their seat. Hold her so she's folded in half (like cradled in your arms, so she's already in a seated position basically and you can plop her in from the side - as opposed to holding her under her arms and expecting her to bend to get in her seat). Plop her in the seat and immediately get one of the catches into the center buckle. It is not impossible to wiggle out of that, but it takes longer, and if you move fast and get the other leg done, you can then get her arms in the straps and finish the job.

 

KelliLynee

fredalina:

KelliLynee:

DD is 20 months old & still rear facing (except in the sitters car she is FF because the sitter needs to get past her seat to get to the back of the van). 

Lately DD has been throwing fits getting into her car seat. Its not every time, but when it happens its only for me. She doesn't give DH much trouble at all. The other night it literally took me 15 minutes to get her in. I put her in & she turns around to stand up and look around. I can't stop her from doing it, and I tried a million things to try to get her to sit down. I dont want to physically force her to sit when she is acting like this because I would literally need to hold her down hard. Instead, I try to convince her a million different ways- I ask her nicely, I ask if she wants to help buckle, I ask if she wants to go home & see daddy (which is where we are usually going), I offer her every book and toy I have available, offer my cell phone (which I'm not a big fan of). I've tried to take a break for a minute & let her do something to get her mind off it (walk around or whatever), but as soon as I walk back to the car she flips out. 

Nothing has been working & I have had to physically hold her down to buckle her and I am 100% not comfortable with that.  She ends up crying hysterically & it breaks my heart. 

I dont want to FF her yet, but if this is the alternative then thats what I will do. Today on the way home from the grocery store she threw one of these fits & she continued to whimper for like 10 minutes after she stopped crying. I cant handle this.  

OK, sorry then, i was just going by your words.

My opinion?  Tell her in advance what you're going to do, then when you get there, give her 2 choices: "You can help mommy buckle you in, or mommy can do it myself.  You decide."  If she stands, say, "i see you have decided mommy will buckle you in.  I need you to sit down now.  Can you sit down by yourself or do you want mommy to do it? You decide."  Then if she doesn't sit, do it firmly and buckle her in and tell her that you know she doesn't like it but it keeps her safe.  She may cry but i bet next time you offer her the same thing, she's more cooperative.

You've respected her feelings, you've given her the chance to succeed, you've given her choices, and you've gotten the job done all in less than 2 minutes.  Seems more effective than 15 minutes of asking her to do something she doesn't want to do and then forcing her to do it in the end anyway.  JMO, though.

The thing about telling her ahead, is that she doesn't throw a fit often enough, and I'm nervous that giving her a heads up about it will just make it a bigger deal than it is. I can try it though. 

And the thing is, I do put her in the way you described above. Again, its just the choice of words in how I explained it. But when I give her a choice, she chooses to make mommy force her, and then I dont like to actually hold her down because she is so forcefully going against it that I think I am going to hurt her. If all it took was for me to put her in firmly I wouldn't need to be posting, but I need to hold her too strongly against her will, and I'm not comfortable with that.  

cstyles

She maybe too young, but this totally just an idea...

have you tried sticker charts with her?  Make a chart that you put on a key ring and keep in the car.  If she gets in her seat with minimal (a little protest is normal for her age), she gets a sticker.  After 2-3 stickers she gets ice cream before dinner, or to stay up 15 minutes late, or 1 extra book, or something that she would LOVE.  Then make it after 3-4 stickers for a reward, and keep lenthening out the reward until she no longer needs it.

Another tip i would have is to try not to stress, at this point, you are probablly anticipating the argument with her (I know I would).  Also maybe try making it a game "I bet I can buckle faster than you, hurry, hurry"...

Sorry your having a tough time...I have a 5 month old that arches his back and screams at the sight of a carseat...so I'm sure I'm going to be in your position soon enough

jennterrell

prepare her in advance with a run down of the events about to happen such as... In 5 minutes we are going to go potty, then we will put on our shoes and coat, and go out to the car. We are going to get in our seat and put on our seatbelt, and then Mommy is going to drive us to the library.

i found that once i started narrating activities and giving a 10 min, 5 min, then 1 min warning, DS seemed to roll with things easier. Toddlers like knowing what to expect, and don't like sudden transitions.

I give DS a minute or two, but not long - if he doesn't sit still, i firmly put a hand on his chest while I buckle him in. He knows this now, after a few power struggles, he seemed to accept it and it got easier.

goodheartedmommy

DD2 likes to fight me, too, and it CAN be hard, but ultimately I'm stronger. She's not old enough to decide what's safe for her, so she can cry all she wants. And FWIW, it's much harder to force a FF child into their seat, so if she fights you then you're out of luck. I have a friend who tries to convince her son to get in the seat and it's ridiculous. Quit trying to reason with her about it and make her sit down. I'm not hurting her, but carseat safety is the #1 priority here. You're letting her think she's in control of the situation, so of course she'll keep fighting.

erinkate23

I have a car screamer.  HATES the car.  We'd planned to FF him once he hit 12 months, because we thought it might help.

I saw this video, and it changed my mind.  I'll never get it out of my head.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8gU9zzCGA8

I'd rather hear him scream in annoyance/dislike than in pain.  I'd rather him be angry at me for being in his carseat than have a broken neck.  Every time I'm ready to do something dumb in the car, every time I think about flipping him, I watch this.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time with DD.  I hope it gets better soon.  This is one of those things where you have to do what's right, even if she doesn't understand.

mrs.a.butler

goodheartedmommy:

DD2 likes to fight me, too, and it CAN be hard, but ultimately I'm stronger. She's not old enough to decide what's safe for her, so she can cry all she wants. And FWIW, it's much harder to force a FF child into their seat, so if she fights you then you're out of luck. I have a friend who tries to convince her son to get in the seat and it's ridiculous.Quit trying to reason with her about it and make her sit down. I'm not hurting her, but carseat safety is the #1 priority here. You're letting her think she's in control of the situation, so of course she'll keep fighting.

 

this.  

You may be uncomfortable doing so, but the trying to reason with her seems to be getting nowhere, and forcing her to sit in her seat and get buckled in is the priority.  

And when you just keep asking her and she isn't listening, then you walk around for a while because she isn't listening, she is going to continue because she is controlling the situation and knows that if she doesn't sit down she won't get buckled in. 

As long as she is the one fighting you, she will not get hurt because she will not hurt herself like that.  she will stop twisting/turning/etc if something starts hurting) 

FWIW, DS#1 went through something similar.  Every now and then he would just throw a fit and not want to get in his seat.  I would tell him that he needed to sit down and if he didn't I would sit him down.  And when he wouldn't, I would hold him down and buckle the bottom side as quick as possible to hold him in to do the rest.  I would only give him one chance.  It lasted maybe a month of him doing it pretty infrequently and he finally realized that he had to sit to leave. 

DandelionMom

Gracie was terrible about the carseat at that age.  Have you tried tickling?  Or making goofy faces?  Or making up a silly song about buckling up to be safe safe safe?  All that helped some until the phase passed.  GL!

wifeandmama

Just firmly place the kid in the seat and hold her down.  You won't hurt her.  Car seats are non-negotiable.  I don't waste 15 minutes trying to convince a toddler to do anything, let alone something that is a safety issue...  just put her in the darn seat!

KelliLynee

Thank you ladies for all of the great ideas. Luckily this doesn't happen that often, but when it does I just get so flustered that nothing seems to be working. I need to just remind myself that like everything, this is just a phase. I will take more time praising her when she gets in easily, and I will try a few different things when she doesn't want to get in.