Help me sort out my thoughts (long)

anna7602

I had been going along, thinking I was truly ambivalent about whether I wanted to have another child or not, when, bam!, this ridiculous thought/feeling that I really want to do this all over again hit me full-force about a month ago and won't go away. At first, I chalked it up to hormones and the fact that seemingly everyone around me is pregnant. But a month and a half later, I must admit maybe I need to stop and listen to these feelings. In all fairness, I did always think I wanted my kids to be about 3.5-4 years apart if I ever had more than one.

I know no one can make this decision for me, but here's what's at stake in the objective realm. DH's work schedule is terrible. So many times during DD's newborn days, I was awake and bleary-eyed at 2am and he wasn't even home from work yet. The idea of "date night" is still a little absurd because it's hard to get DH to commit to a night he won't need to work. We've worked around this a little better now because I make back-up plans like a yoga class or getting to a movie or restaurant I really want to check out anyway, with or without him, but when DD was very little, I was reluctant to schedule a night like this only to end up by myself pumping in the bathroom of Starbucks. 

DH interviewed for a few diff. jobs at the end of the year, but nothing has come of it and now he's thinking he can stick out his current job until bonus time at the end of the year, ten full months away. We would be okay without the year-end bonus, but, of course, if we had it, it would impact how much of a paycut he'd be willing to take for a more "lifestyle" kind of job a year from now. And, it would also help out if I did decide to have a baby and had to give up some freelance work on my end.

Which leads me to my last consideration- my freelance work. I just took on a few big projects that will be due around August/September, but could end up extended into the fall depending on which editors I work with and whether anything unexpected comes up. I don't usually have time to drum up new business while I'm in the thick of a project, so I end up with a month or two of downtime after the end of a really busy season. It would be sooo nice to have a baby during the "breather" months, but do I really want to be pregnant when I'm juggling a bunch of different projects AND a very active toddler? And what if things get extended and I end up tying up loose ends when I'm the sleep-deprived mother of a newborn (a position I have been in before and which is NOT fun)?

Clearly, I need to talk this through with DH as well, but I'm just not sure if this is a weird passing whim that I can talk myself through logically and shelve until 2012 or if I really need to focus on getting him on board to TTC within the next few months. I guess I'm just looking for people to bounce my considerations off of and for someone who doesn't know me IRL to shoot holes through my logic, be some voice of reason one way or another or even enable me.

KateLouise

Well I agree that no one can make this decision but you and DH, but reading your post I have some questions that you might want to think through.

1) Your last paragraph implies that you're trying to decide whether to TTC very soon, or put it off until 2012 or later, but your opening paragraph suggests that previously you were unsure about wanting more children at all. 

So have you now decided you want more children and are just considering timing? 

2) If you're still deciding on more children, then my question is why do you want children besides just a "feeling" eg. siblings for your first child,?

3) in terms of timing and your DHs job, irrespective of more children does your DH plan to stay at this job generally? If no, and he plans to stick it out this year and then move on, is there a real need to TTC now? Or could you TTC in 3 months or so, which would mean your DH had his bonus and had moved jobs?

4) In terms of being pregnant and your own job and juggling a toddler, I don't think that most people have children so that they can enjoy the stresses of pregnancy and their life. I think most of us have children for the long term rewards and we accept that pregnancy can be exhausting, in the same way a newborn is exhausting, toddlers are exhausting, pre-teens are exhausting and teenagers are exhausting.

Whether or not the difficulties are worth the rewards is a decision only you can make.

I'm a big believer in there never being a "right" time to have a baby.

Good luck with your decision. 

 

anna7602

Thanks for your response, KateLouise and thanks to anyone else who read this. It's helpful for me to get my thoughts written out and more helpful when I know the person I am talking to isn't just going to give me a "it's very black & white for me" response (like some of my friends IRL).

KateLouise

I just wanted to add we're having discussions about when to have more kids.

Our plan was always to space them two years apart.

Now DH is doing some studying. We could delay more kids and pay cash for his studying. Plus that would mean we won't have a newborn in the house whilst he's studying. This seems very sensible

Or we could push on with our plan, get a loan for the study, and juggle working full time, study a toddler and a newborn. Sounds a bit horrific

Then there's the fact that I'm 33, not getting younger and we want at least three kids.

Then there's the part where I think but I want a baby NOOOOWWWWWW. Actually I want a baby yesterday.

So I know what it's like to have your feelings/emotions/hormones conflict with the "sensible" thing to do. 

Lotte134

I could have written a very similar post.  You're definitely not alone.  I'll type out my thoughts and hopefully you'll find some of it helpful (or at least reassuring that you're not the only one struggling with this choice).

DH and I always said we wanted 1 child for sure, maybe 2 if things went super well with #1.  Well DS got here and I said that's it, we are done.  He wasn't an awful baby, but he was never a good sleeper and that combined with his 45-60 minute nursing sessions every 2 hours and, looking back, probably a touch of PPD made me ask why anyone would ever do this to themselves. 

Fast forward to 18-20 months and things were a ton better.  DS started to STTN here and there, he was learning and talking and just all around being a ton of fun!  I started to realize that contrary to what I thought, I'm really not a great baby mom, but I am a pretty fabulous toddler mom.  I started to think maybe I can do this again - maybe those hard early months are worth it to have another wonderful little person around. 

However things are not the greatest for us financially right now.  DH and I both have very secure jobs, but he just switched for a lower paying job to get a bit more family balance and another child would certainly make things tighter.  At the same time his new insurance covers nearly 100% of maternity and L&D costs plus he will get 2 weeks paid paternity leave (which was one of my stipulations if we have another child - last time he had to go back to work the day we came home from the hospital and that was so incredibly hard).

I realize I haven't mentioned what DH wants at all and that's because the conflict is really mine.  While he would be fine with just having 1 child he's really wanted 2 since about a minute after DS was born.  For us it's very much a now or never situation because DH is older (45 in November) plus we both know that the older and more independent DS gets the less likely we are to want to go back to having a nb.

So the pros and cons for me break down to:

Pros
I want another baby, plain and simple.  I want to cuddle a snuggly little nb and hopefully enjoy the baby stage a bit more without being as stressed as I was when DS was born.  And I know DH wants it too and I certainly don't want to deny him another child that he truly wants.
DS would LOVE a sibling.  He's such a social little guy and he would thrive having someone to play with all the time.
DH's schedule is much more flexible this time around so he will be able to enjoy another baby more.

Cons
Money - we can afford it but we won't be able to afford as many vacations, etc... at least for awhile.
My career is just starting to take off and adding another child will take a ton more balancing to make it all work.
Loss of the freedom we are starting to enjoy with DS getting older.Obviously temporary but man it is nice that he is starting to play by himself, we can easily leave him with my parents and go out, etc...

With all of that said (for anyone who has made it through this massive brain dump) I told DH last month that I wasn't going back on BCP so I guess we're TTC.  After having spent yesterday afternoon holding my cousin's 4 week old baby I'm pretty sure we're making the right decision.  

ncbelle

It sounds like you should start having the conversation with DH now - I don't think that means you are committing to TTC next month necessarily, but I think whether you decide to wait or not, it would be good to start talking about it now.  It also sounds like you need to sort out your own feelings about it - another good reason to go ahead and have the conversation.

Good luck figuring it out.  We could have made lots of arguments for "waiting" but it also seemed like there would never be an ideal time - there's always something!