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AYKM? Husband vent. (edit - long! sorry!)
I'm not sure whether to scream or cry. Actually, here come the tears. Stupid pregnancy hormones. 
Some of you have heard me talk about how Brian is pretty much the hardest worker I know, and puts 110% into everything he does. Great - fantastic - amazing quality to have. I really admire that about him.
But he's teaching a class this semester and it takes up all of his time. I knew it would - obviously we talked about it - but it was "just this semester" so there has always been light at the end of the tunnel.
He has now signed up to teach the same class next year (winter semester - Jan through April), but has also started talks with the department to teach a fall class!
Um, hello? I'm gone for 6-8 weeks each fall. This fall we'll have a newborn. The childcare "burden" has already fallen on me this semester, and I'm home every night. What will happen when I'm NOT home, or there are two babies to care for?
Does this man only think of himself? Sometimes I wonder. I seriously wonder. OMG I could kill him.
Sorry - I know I should be more supportive, but this is getting ridiculous.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: AYKM? Husband vent. (edit - long! sorry!)
I'd be annoyed too if I were in your position. Has he committed to the fall class yet?? If so, can he back out?
I wouldn't say you should be MORE supportive. I think you are being supportive. But him committing affects you too!
And this is where I'm probably overreacting.
No, he hasn't committed yet. And we haven't actually *talked* about this - he mentioned it over gchat.
The problem is, I don't want him to resent me if I discourage him from doing it. This is a part of his job he really really loves, and it would be (slightly) more income (very slightly). I guess I should just tell him that, huh?
I think you have every right to expect that your husband is going to balance his desire to teach with the fact that he will soon have 2 children and a working wife that will require some of his time. Its wonderful he has such a passion for learning and teaching, but he also has to have that same passion for his role in your family.
I'll kick Brian in the man parts for you, if you'd like
On the other hand does he feel like this would bring in additional income that your family would benefit from with adding another child? Perhaps if that is the case, you can let him know you are willing to sacrifice financially to have him home more.
I would tell him what you said! You want to be supportive, but you need his help at home too and that you're worried it's going to be too much, and not offset by a small increase in salary.
I don't think he'll resent you at all for being honest. I know Ryan would be upset if I went along with it without bringing up the concern, and then later being stressed out because of that commitment.
He shouldn't have made that decision without discussing with you, you know that. So he really likes teaching, and while you should support that, he also has a commitment to you and to the family. It has to work for everyone.
Hopefully you can talk through the decision and if you decide it's not the best thing for the family, hopefully he can back out. But, if he really wants to teach, then something has to give.
We have these conversations alot at my house. Matt has to travel and I have to pick up the slack. On the weekends he gives me time to do stuff for me, plus I have Fridays off for my sanity. I support that Matt really likes his job so I kind of think of my paycut/day off as make up for that.
So, if he really wants to teach, can you guys find a way to make it easier for? Have someone help you during the week or maybe adjust work schedules to take the pressure off a little?
With 2 kids, even with Matt home, I still can't really go out yet. We need to go to bed early so that we can take shifts getting up with the baby. You may want to remind him that you don't get sleep in when you have a toddler and new baby. it's tough! I feel like I need to save all my energy for the kids right now.
Also, if he wants to pursue teaching, he is young...maybe next year when things are more stable??
sorry if this is too direct. I'm on pain meds :-(
I understand the not wanting the resentment. I'm in a similar predicament.
DH just asked me this morning if he could join a VB league through work, which would take him away every Sunday night for 4-5 hours for the next 7 weeks. Oh yeah, I'm due with a baby in 7 weeks.
I really don't want him to do it, but at the same time, I know he's feeling like he's going to be 'limited' once the baby is here. (which I think he's making it out to be a much bigger deal than it is, but that's a whole other ball of wax). I didn't say 'no' outright like I wanted to...I hope he has further information when I get home tonight so that we can discuss it further.
I'm almost thinking I might suggest that if he wants to do it, he takes SS with him. I think it will be good for them to do together and give me some down/alone time that I don't get very often. Also, SS can hold on to DH's phone in case of an emergency and answer it right away.
Anyway, sorry to post-jack. I just totally understand all of it...Down to the hormones. LOL
ETA: I realize that first sentence sounds like I make DH ask for permission...That's soooo... not the case. LOL
LOL, Andrea - not too direct!
Thanks for letting me vent. I think he's forgetting what it's really like to have a new baby. I think even I am painting a rosier picture of what it's like than what my experience with Ella actually was. I think I would absolutely die if I had to do all of it again without his full commitment and attention.
The pay is about $1800, before taxes. Given how much work he puts into his teaching & preparing each week, it comes out to be (in my estimate) about $3-4/hour. Not worth it. I'd rather pay $3-4/hour to have more time with my husband.
You're totally right. That would be bad.
You're obviously going to talk to him about it and discuss it together, but I would definitely be upset too in your shoes! My DH has a tendency to do similar things. He is always talking about doing more, either professionally or personally (like hunting). Working at two fire departments is more than enough and he doesn't need anymore on his plate as it is!
As far as taking care of two kids by yourself, it's not ideal, but it is doable! I'm basically a single parent most of the time since Logan is gone two evenings out of three. There are times I want to pull my hair out, but when I get to read to both of my girls and tuck them into bed (and then have the evening to myself), it's so worth it.
I'll admit that there are some underlying issues at hand here, mostly having to with me feeling like I'm 2nd to his career. I know that that's not really true, but here's an example (warning: this is stupid).
He does his best thinking in the shower. Every single day, he comes out with all kinds of amazing ideas about how he's going to restructure his class, or do a different project at work, or whatever. But it's always work related.
He has never once in the 9 years I've known him come out of the shower with an idea that has to do with me, our house, Ella, or anything else. So I feel like he puts all of his energy and free time into thinking about himself and his work.
This is my own personal issue and I need to talk to him about it, but have yet to find a way to do it without him getting defensive (do you blame him?).
In the meantime, y'all are my sounding boards!
Thanks!
aw I can see where you are coming from!
Hugs!!!!!