handling arguments btwn you and dh

PolarBerry

How do you all handle disagreements that come up between you and your DH?  DH and I are both extremely stubborn,and our arguments always escalate and just go in circles while we each repeat our side over and over again.  Usually it takes a little time/distance, and we come back to it with a level head and discuss it later without emotions and come to a resolution.  However, I want to find a better way for us to handle disagreements in the moment.  Especially now that we have kids, I never want to get into a heated argument in front of them!!!  What do you and your DH do to stay calm?  What strategies do you have to make sure each other feels they are heard?  How do you stop the argument when you feel it escalating out of control?  Any suggestions would be helpful!

KittahMama

I am interested in hearing this.  I admit I am the worst!  I usually feel like DH is attacking me then I get defensive then I get mean.  I tell him to walk away and give me time, but he doesn't which leads to me saying things that are below the belt and then he gets mad and I slam a door or leave the house until I cool down.  About four hours later after a nap I feel better and we have to discuss it cooly.  He doesn't attack me then, but doesn't get angry at how mean I was earlier. 

I have told him outside of fights that when I say go away he really needs to give me time to cool down, but he insists we need to talk it our right then.  I don't work that way.  I need to digest and then come back.

So- if anyone has advice pass it my way too!

mag2point0

I think we both just ask/remind ourselves how important is whatever we're arguing over and whether there are other factors at play. Usually, I'm extra grouchy if I'm overtired (all.the.time) or stressed about work. I try to take a deep breath and not take it out on DH, but sometimes I just have to tell him if something he did annoyed the crap out of me, even if it was really stupid. He doesn't take it personally and all of this is true for him too. I find that most of the stuff we do get upset about is not important in the long run. So, we just try not to sweat it.

Ttimes3

We never disagree.    Kidding...

I'm a HUGE proponent of proactive marriage counseling.  IMO, it is synonymous to having a PCP for routine physical exams and other well-care visits for your (and your family's) physical health. 

DH and I sought out a counselor, after Pre-Cana, when we realized that communication (specifically, the ways in which we each prefer to communicate) was most likely going to be our biggest hurdle.  We attend sessions fairly regularly, scheduling more frequently if/when we encounter major life stressors (a few months after the wedding, IL issues (holidays, "equal" time concerns, etc.), after DS1 was born, navigating work changes, etc.).  To be honest, we haven't gone much in the last year; but that is probably due to the fact that we really don't need it as much as we did in the beginning.  We [both] now have so many strategies to utilize, we are far more effective communicators, and, perhaps most importantly, we understand how to disagree without offending/attacking. 

I know it isn't for everyone, but I think it is a shame that therapy/counseling has such a negative connotation/stigma in our society.  IMHO, most couples wait much too long (for whatever reason) to seek professional intervention, which doesn't help the divorce rate in this country.  Just a thought.

allobosc

I used to be a yeller and a door slammer, but DH would shut down with that type of communication.  Luckily, I've really tried to learn how to talk to him in a rational manner over the past 10 yrs.  I was carrying on how arguments were handled in my house growing up which was a no-no and I knew that had to change.

It is difficult now when we really get into it b/c I choose my words very carefully, but DH always does this stupid thing where he turns it around on himself like I am attacking him.  He seems to always have a "script" that he says, where I am trying to be genuine.  Once I break through his script, we seem to make headway.  

I am always shocked how he is like "oh that bothers you?" Um, DUH!  I swear I read like an open book and he is blind when he can't see I'm upset about something.  He did this quiet a few times when I was PG and I was livid. He gets so uncompassionate at times and that sets me off more when we argue.

We don't fight about the kids much, thankfully.  I think that is b/c we had numerous discussions pre-children and even casually now about how we want to raise them and we mostly see eye-to-eye about that stuff.

I probably didn't help your OP much, sorry to babble.